Daily Laugh 2

A Scottish couple were sitting at their kitchen table in front of the fireplace on a cold winter evening. The wife asks: “If was to die would you be a taking a new lass for your wife?”

The husband ponders for a while, scratches his chin, and eventually replies; “I’m still a viral man, and I need the company of a good woman, I supposed I would be a taking a new wife.”

She then asks; “Would you and your new wife be a living in this here house?”

He thinks for a few moments, takes a sip of his tea, and says; “It’s a fine house, a sturdy house, I guess we’d be a living in this here house.”

The wife, obviously annoyed then asks; “Would you and your new wife, a living in this here house, be a using this here kitchen table?”

The husband ponders again for a while, looks at the table, strokes his beard in contemplation, then eventually replies; “It’s a fine table, a sturdy table, I guess we’d be a using this here table.”

(and to make it CBrat relatable) Wife now somewhat irritated then asks; “Would you and your new lass, a living in this here house, a using this here table, be also a using our boat?”

Husband again ponders for a few moments, deep in thought, takes another long sip of his tea, then says; “It’s a fine boat, it’s a sturdy boat, it’s a C-Dory boat, so I would say yes, me and my new wife would be a using our boat.”

So now the wife, very annoyed and snapping back at her husband; “Would you and your new wife, a living in this here house, a using this here table, a using our boat, would she also be a using me golf clubs???”

Husband quickly replies; “No, she’s left-handed.”
 
Um... the way I heard it (instead of golf clubs): "Would you be giving her my clothes?"

"No, she's a size 6." (and that's when the fight started)
 
Some Laughs and A Whole Lot of Nostalgia and Happy Memories


Some Interesting Facts About Some of Us Older C-Brats:

Born in the 1930 s to the mid-40 s, we exist as a very special age group.

We are the smallest group of children born since the early 1900 s.

We are the last generation, climbing out of the depression, who can remember the winds of war and the impact of a world at war which rattled the structure of our daily lives for years.

We are the last to remember ration books for everything from gas to sugar to shoes to stoves.

We saved tin foil and poured fat into tin cans.

We saw cars up on blocks because tires weren't available.

We can remember milk being delivered to our house early in the morning and placed in the “milk box” on the porch.

We are the last to see the gold stars in the front windows of our grieving neighbours whose sons died in the War.

We saw the 'boys' home from the war, build their little houses.

We are the last generation who spent childhood without television; instead, we imagined what we heard on the radio.

As we all like to brag, with no TV, we spent our childhood "playing outside”.

There was no little league.

There was no city playground for kids.

The lack of television in our early years meant, for most of us, that we had little real understanding of what the world was like.

On Saturday afternoons, the movies gave us newsreels sandwiched in between westerns and cartoons.

Telephones were one to a house, often shared (party lines) and hung on the wall in the kitchen (no cares about privacy).

Computers were called calculators, they were hand cranked; typewriters were driven by pounding fingers, throwing the carriage, and changing the ribbon.

The 'INTERNET’ and ‘GOOGLE’ were words that did not exist.

Newspapers and magazines were written for adults and the news was broadcast on our radio in the evening by Gabriel Heater and later Paul Harvey.

As we grew up, the country was exploding with growth.

The G.I. Bill gave returning veterans the means to get an education and spurred colleges to grow.

VA loans fanned a housing boom.

Pent up demand coupled with new installment payment plans opened many factories for work.

New highways would bring jobs and mobility.

The veterans joined civic clubs and became active in politics.

The radio network expanded from 3 stations to thousands

Our parents were suddenly free from the confines of the depression and the war, and they threw themselves into exploring opportunities they had never imagined.

We weren't neglected, but we weren't today's all-consuming family focus.

They were glad we played by ourselves until the street lights came on.

They were busy discovering the post war world.

We entered a world of overflowing plenty and opportunity; a world where we were welcomed, enjoyed ourselves and felt secure in our future though depression poverty was deeply remembered.

Polio was still a crippler.

We came of age in the 50s and 60s.

The Korean War was a dark passage in the early 50s and by mid-decade school children were ducking under desks for Air-Raid training.

Russia built the “Iron Curtain” and China became Red China .

Eisenhower sent the first 'Army Advisers' to Vietnam.

Castro took over in Cuba and Khrushchev came to power.

We are the last generation to experience an interlude when there were no threats to our homeland. The war was over and the cold war, terrorism, “global warming”, and perpetual economic insecurity had yet to haunt life with unease.

Only our generation can remember both a time of great war, and a time when our world was secure and full of bright promise and plenty. We lived through both.

We grew up at the best possible time, a time when the world was getting better....

We are "The Last Ones". More than 99 % of us are either retired or deceased, and we feel privileged to have “lived in the best of times"!
 
Let me throw in a few more. Black outs. Block wardens, who would reprimand you if any beam of light was visible out side. We had one single 1 watt orange neon light in the bathroom.

Our parents had to drive with blue very low beam lights.

Gas ration stamps were saved up for the entire year, and several families pooled so we could drive 50 miles for the annual "Vacation".

S & H Green Stamps.

Victory Gardens--where all of the neighbors co-operated in raising vegetables, and in our case, chickens, rabbits and goats.

Milk had a narrow neck where you could laddel off the cream

Ice boxes, where the iceman put ice in the box daily from the outside of the house.

Oleo where we had white lard type material, which we broke a red dye capsule into the middle and stirred until the entire mixture was the color of butter.

Our dads (If lucky) worked for the same company for 40 plus years and got a real pension....that is if they were not killed during WWII

Duck and cover--nuclear attack practice.

McCarthyism--black listed if suspect a member of Communist party!

Newspapers which had news! Toilet paper = tear off a page of the Sears and Roebuck catalog! No shortage there...

If you wanted to look up something, go to the public Library, and find the source periodicals!

Encyclopedia Brittanica: I was jealous of neighbor's children whose families could afford to buy the set.
 
starcrafttom":p2wlohya said:
We are the last to see the gold stars in the front windows of our grieving neighbours whose sons died in the War.


No you were not
Click to expand...

Yup, we still see those.

But We are the last ones to have see an "Iron Lung" working.

Harvey
SleepyC :moon

SSC_CPR_and_Patient_322.thumb.jpg
 
Subject: IRISH COP vs, London Lawyer: Who's the smartest?

> A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop
>
> He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from
> LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Mick
> cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
> Irish cops expense!!
>
> Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."
>
> London Lawyer says, "What for?"
>
> Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
>
> London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
>
> Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and
> registration, please"
>
> London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
>
> Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop,
> that's the law. License and registration, please!"
>
> London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between
> slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you
> give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
> ticket."
>
> Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
>
> The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
>
> The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit
> out of the lawyer
>
> and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
 
THIS IS THE MOST HEART-WARMING STORY YOU MAY EVER READ.

HEART WARMING LAWYER STORY

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men

along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop

and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"

the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.

They are over there eating grass under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated,

"You may come with us, also."

The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said,

"But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task,

even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,

"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on . . .

did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?

Look at Congress -- over 300 Lawyers!!!
 
There's this guy, and he's visiting another city for the first time.
So he goes to the zoo.
He's walking all through the zoo and the only animal he sees is a dog.
It turns out it's a Shih Tzu.
 
Ralph and Edna... Depends how you look at things.



Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.



Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.



He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.



Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.



When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.



The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.



The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.





Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.



How soon can I go home?
 
A guy rolls through a residential intersection not stopping at a STOP sign.

He gets pulled over by a cop about a block later and explains to the officer
"I slowed way down. I partially stopped".

The officer said "You did not come to a complete stop and so you broke the law."

The guy says "No harm done. Nobody was around. I looked before proceeding.
Nobody comes to a complete stop at STOP signs. What's the big deal."

The officer explains "There is a big difference between coming to a partial stop
and a full stop. Shall I show you the difference so you understand?"

The guy says "Sure."

So the officer begins sternly rapping the guys arm with his night stick as the guy
yells "Hey, that hurts. Stop!"

The officer says "Would you like me to partly stop or completely stop?"

Aye.
 
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own. A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?" "Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, um, she got fired, too."
 
This one for today. I still take it seriously. Look where we are now.
I realize things change, but geeezzeee...

"I pledge allegiance
to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the Republic
for which it stands,
one Nation, under God,
indivisible, with liberty
and Justice for all."

Aye.
 
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