Daily Laugh 2

A Different Kind of Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome.

However, at the Italian Hell a long line of people are waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Italian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Italian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.
 
An elderly Floridian called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into.
He is hysterical as he explains his situation to the dispatcher
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" he cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm... An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in "Disregard." he says
"He got in the back-seat by mistake."

______________________________ ______________________________


Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see'
She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters,
she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood...'
She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door'

______________________________ ______________________________


Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

______________________________ ______________________________

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex'
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair...
Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex...'
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

______________________________ ___________________________

Two elderly gentlemen had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards..
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .....
I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is....
His friend stared at him for at least three minutes -- he just stared and stared at him.
Finally, he said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

______________________________ ______________________________


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
 
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.

Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
 
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back
with normal
results.

The doctor says, "Larry, everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with
God?"

Larry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I
have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the
night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes
on.

When I'm done, poof! The light goes
off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor
says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls
Larry's wife. "Bonnie," he says, "Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up
during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's
done, poof, the light goes off?"

"Oh sweet Jesus", exclaims Bonnie. "He's peeing
in the refrigerator again!"
 
Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why Hooters?”
“They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs.”
“You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf again.
“Where you wanna go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Again? Why?”
“They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games.”
“OK.”

At age 52 they meet and play again. “So where you wanna go for lunch?”
“Hooters.
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there’s plenty of parking.”
“OK.”

At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, “Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price and the food isn’t too spicy.”
“Good choice”

At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, “Where shall we go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts.”
“Great choice.”

At age 82 they meet and play again. “Where should we go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Because we’ve never been there before.”
“Okay.”
 
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards, they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible! "You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
 
A couple decide that they need a guard dog.

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment.”

The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a Chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a Chihuahua can’t do that.”

“But this is no regular Chihuahua. It’s an attack Chihuahua!” the employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack Chihuahua, chair.”

The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the Chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.

“Wow” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog.”

“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again. Attack Chihuahua, table!”

She pointed to a table, and, again, the Chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.

The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.”

When he brought it home, his wife was very angry.

“Why did you buy a Chihuahua?!” She yelled.

“Because” he responded, “this is no ordinary Chihuahua, this is an attack Chihuahua!”

“Attack Chihuahua, my ass!” she responded.
 
The Bathtub Test

Some have counseled me to go to a long-term care home.

I was not sure about this. So I decided to ask my long time doctor. So, I awaited my next visit and I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Long-Term Care Home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug."

"Do you want a bed near the window?"

Any other C-Brats out there ready to join me?
 
Tourist is making arrangements for a sight seeing tour with old salty skipper the night before and is worried about getting sea sick.

Old salty skipper says; "Just eat bananas for breakfast in the morning."

Tourist asks; "Will bananas stop me from getting sea sick?"

"No" the old salty skipper replied; "It'll just taste the same going out as it did going in".
 
Rude Jokes for the 70 and over crowd:

When you're over seventy...........who cares?

**********

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but,

When you're over seventy.............who cares?

**********

I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?";

I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

When you're over seventy.............who cares?

***********

I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.";

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.";

Cost me a fat lip, but...

When you're over seventy.............who cares?

**********

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...

When you're over seventy..............who cares?

*********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you're over seventy.............who cares?

**********

I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

When you're over seventy.............who cares?

**********
 
Everyone Interprets Questions Differently...

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks: "What does two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies: "Four."

The interviewer asks: "Four, exactly?"

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says: "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question.

"What does two plus two equal?"

The accountant says: "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question.

"What does two plus two equal?"

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, leans close to the interviewer and whispers: "What do you want it to equal?
 
WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA?
A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.
Oh and
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!
 
Women are much better at financial planning than men.

Dan was a single guy, living at home with his sick and elderly father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his father died, he decided he needed a wife to share it with.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
He breathlessly approached her, and said:

"I may look like just an ordinary man,' but in just a few years, my father will die, and I will inherit $65 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
 
The Urinal Is Too High!

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the
girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began
hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their little 'wee-wees' to
direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
"You must be in the 5th grade."

"No ma'am he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race,
but I appreciate your help."
 
The Strange Case of the Bananas


A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric chair.

When they flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, such an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After a while, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Dang! What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Too bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"It's not the bananas." Sighed the prisoner. "I'm a very bad conductor."
 
Who Gets the Parachute?

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when the pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away.

As the plane plummets its passengers to death, the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: "I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support families in need of assistance."

The Social Worker grabs the nearest bag and plummets out of the aircraft.

Lawyer: "I deserve to live because I advocate for my clients through my sharp wit and massive knowledge."

The lawyer grabs the second bag and plummets out of the aircraft.

Doctor: "I deserve to live because I help diagnose ill people with my specialized training."

The doctor grabs the third bag and plummets out of the aircraft.

This leaves only the schoolboy and the old man in the plane with it descending toward the ground.

Old man: "Go ahead boy. Take the last parachute. You have many years ahead of you while I am just an old man who doesn't have as many years left."

Schoolboy: "Don't worry, we can both take a parachute. Look, there are still two left."

The old man’s just stares in shock. "Wha...what... but those three..."

Schoolboy: "Remember the lawyer with the sharp wit and the massive knowledge? He took my school backpack."
 
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags are not good for the environment.

The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
The older lady said that she was right our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day. The older lady went on to explain:
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day. Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then. We walked upstairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days.

Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.
In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power.
We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing."

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off... Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.
 
My first time flying alone I was 18 and I thought I was going to get arrested or detained. I was in line for security when the TSA agents went walking back through the line asking people to take their shoes off in advance to help expedite the process. There was a family in front of me and they had young children. The TSA agent then stops and asks the man, "how old is your daughter?" He replies, "12". The TSA agent then lets him know that she doesn't need to take her shoes off since she is under the cutoff age, 13. He then immediately turns around to me and says, "oh so if I ever need to sneak a bomb onto a place I'll just put it in my daughters shoe before she turns 13". I thought the TSA agent would detain us both.
 
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