Daily Laugh 2

DA posted this on Facebook;


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Wal-Mart;

Dear Mrs.Friess:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Friess , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.



5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'


EMTs were called.


9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

Harvey
SleepyC:moon

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OK Harvey, my wife and I got so "tickled" that we could not talk...But if you told any one of the episodes in a public College or school today, you probably would be expelled! :)
 
At a motivational seminar 3 men are asked to come up to the stage.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."

The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"

To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

Harvey
SleepyC :moon
 
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. Then I attempted to be a deli worker. But any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

Then I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. My latest job is working at a coffee shop. It's kind of boring; every day is the same old grind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm looking for a new job. I started as a watchmaker, which was great because I made my own hours. Unfortunately, I didn't have the hands for it.

Then I tried being a grocer. But it only offered a meager celery and I came home every evening beet.

I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I thought about joining the army. But my name is William and everyone kept yelling "Fire at Will!" Plus, they're only looking for recruits of high caliber.

Then I was offered a job as a cartoonist. But the entire industry seems a little sketchy.

For now, I'm working as a magician. But getting the tricks right is so frustrating; I'm pulling my hare out!

Think I will stick with being re Tired. Seems to be working out for now.

Harvey
SleepyC :moon
 
What to Make of the Strange Noises in the Graveyard?


When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said: "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."


He listened a while longer, and said: "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery: "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
 
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his shock collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
 
Silly Joke: The Cannibals and the Missionaries

Two cannibals meet one day. After talking about their days, they start, as we all do, to discuss their problems.

The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."

"What kind of Missionary do you use?" The second cannibal asks,

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ah!" the second cannibal replies.

"No wonder... those are friars!"
 
Joke: A Different Kind of Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome.

However, at the Italian Hell a long line of people are waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Italian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Italian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
 
Business for Pleasure

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba...
 
A Scottish couple had been married 25 years when the wife suddenly died. As the pallbearers carried her casket into the church, the casket bumped a corner of the church and jostled the casket. There was a rustling sound and then a voice from inside the casket. It was immediately opened and the woman jumped out of the casket alive with glee. It was a miracle and she lived a normal life for another 20 years.

When she passed away, there was a funeral at the same church. Again the pallbearers carried her casket to the church doors. As they once again approached the church corner, her husband said: “Careful of that corner.”
 
Two hunters were walking in the woods. Suddenly one yelled: “Stop”. The other hunter was about to fall into hole. It was a perfectly round hole about 6 feet across and was a smooth cylinder down to a black abyss. They couldn’t see the bottom.

Puzzled by this strange hole they wondered how deep it was. So, one hunter decided to throw something down the hole to hear if it hit bottom. He searched the area for something heavy and found an old rusty anvil. With great effort he carried it to the hole and tipped it in. It disappeared and there was no sound of it hitting bottom.

Suddenly a goat came running and jumped into the hole. Again there was no sound that it hit bottom. Shocked by this weird experience the hunters walked out of the woods toward their truck.

As they neared a field they heard a farmer yelling: “Becky, Becky.” The farmer asked them if they’d seen a goat. They replied that yes they saw a goat run into a hole in the woods. The farmer replied: “That can’t be Becky, she’s chained to an anvil.”
 
The Old Snake and the Doctor

A old snake goes to see his doctor and says, "I need something for my eyes, I can't very well these days."

The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks.

The snake comes back in two weeks and tells the doctor that he's very depressed.

"What's the problem?" asks the doctor. "Didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine, doc." Answers the snake dejectedly. "Thing is, I just discovered I've been living with a garden hose the past 2 years."
 
I don't remember this one being posted in the "Daily Laugh before":

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."
 
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you... don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note... After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone... yeah I know, about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you... can't wait to see you... we'll do all the things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote..."I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."

Harvey
SleepyC :moon
 
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