Introducing the Liveaboard Sleep Center!!!

J

JamesTXSD

Active member
I was going to put this on DoryLvr's thread about living onboard his 16 for the summer, but didn't want to hijack the thread. For all those who have lived aboard, or dreamed about living aboard, I am excited to announce this innovative new sleep system...

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OK, it took a while, but my new design is ready, I just need some financial backing to bring it to market... introducing the Liveaboard Sleep Center! Designed for those moving from a boat to a land-based dwelling, or those who have always wanted to experience the romance of living on a boat.

The Liveaboard Sleep Center features the following:
* An irregular shaped bed! Designs available in V-shape, parallelogram, short (for those who like their feet to hang off the end of the berth), and extra narrow (for those who feel the need to grip the mattress in their sleep). Cushion foam is available in: thin, extra thin, firm, way too firm, saggy, feel-the-seams! (Memory foam in the exact sizes is not available, but can be purchased at Sam's Club or Costco and cut to nearly fit.)
* Custom designed sound soother! Features: clanging halyards, squeeky fenders, rolling dock carts, barking dogs, drunk partiers (including thumping bass music, "Everybody say 'Yeaaaaaaa-aaaaa!' ", and shouting obscenities), bilge pump sounds, fan motor, and dock neighbor practicing harmonica.
* Movement! Enjoy being "rocked" to sleep. Special hydraulic motors simulate movement at the dock (from no movement to sharp pulling of lines and rebounding off the fenders) to hanging on the hook (no movement adjustable to 6 foot chop simulation - yeehawwww!).
* Your Turn At Watch feature! Every two hours, lights will come on, a voice will say, "Damn, it's ugly out there! Get Up - it's your watch!" and spray you with a shot of cold water to simulate the shaking off of foulies. Fun and stimulating!
* Condensation! Each LSC comes with a plastic rain-fly type enclosure to hold in the condensation. Imagine the thrill of waking up to drips on your head!!

Order yours today! Operators are standing by!
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* Leecloths, ill-fitting sheets, and exhaust smells (diesel or gasoline) are extra cost options. Price does not include shipping and handling. To further simulate marina living, there will be a recurring monthly fee and you will be required to host at least one potluck meal each month.

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From the makers of Liveaboard Sleep Centers, we also proudly present: The MATE! Anatomically correct, non-moving "mate" to share your berth. The male MATE comes with razor stubble on the face and emits gas during the night. The female MATE comes with razor stubble on the legs and steals covers during the night. Both models snore and talk in their sleep. "The Change" female MATE can be programmed to raise temperature to 140º and simulate night sweats. "The Never Change" male MATE can be ordered with a hairy back and sharp toenails. Order yours today! The perfect companion to go with the Liveaboard Sleep Center!

:mrgreen:

Send financial offers to:

Jim B. Liveaboard Fund
 
Well, everything sounds right, but the bilge pump going off will really catch your attention.

I will also add one advantage of the C-dory: you can't take foulies off in the V-berth. And your feet don't hang off, they jam up against the anchor locker, whilst your head is playing with the bulkhead.


Boris
 
journey on":3fbak3or said:
Well, everything sounds right, but the bilge pump going off will really catch your attention.

I will also add one advantage of the C-dory: you can't take foulies off in the V-berth. And your feet don't hang off, they jam up against the anchor locker, whilst your head is playing with the bulkhead.


Boris
Click to expand...

We all adore our C-Dorys, Boris, but I am going for a broader market. While many of these items will apply to our boats, imagine the potential market for all the different boats out there!

Since we at Liveaboard Sleep Centers® DO listen to our potential buyers, I am pleased to announce the Custom Bulkhead Option, to easily convert any berth to: just too short! Now, you, too, can enjoy the fun of sleeping only in the fetal position or trying to sleep on your back with your knees bending backwards! Fun for the whole family! Available in white or special contact paper woodtone. Screws and non-stainless steel attaching brackets are additional. 8)
 
Jim,

Can you put the "head" under the V berth so that you both have to get up in the night?

and does it come with twins or singles?

:twisted: M
 
journey on":9jrahuq3 said:
I will also add one advantage of the C-dory: you can't take foulies off in the V-berth. And your feet don't hang off, they jam up against the anchor locker, whilst your head is playing with the bulkhead.


Boris
Click to expand...

In MY C-Dory, we have a big Queen Sized berth and we can sleep either fore and aft or 'thwartships. Just as long as we both do the same. :roll:

The rest of it sounds right on Jim, my investment check is in the mail.

Charlie
 
Grumpy":2nmxc6k8 said:
Jim,

Can you put the "head" under the V berth so that you both have to get up in the night?

and does it come with twins or singles?

:twisted: M
Click to expand...

Absolutely, Merv! We are currently working on the Sleep Above Your Poop model - complete with special smell option. Following Apple Computer's model, it is our intent to offer a new, improved model each quarter. If we put everything into the first generation model, it lessens the anticipation of "what's next?"

These things are selling so fast that we have added new designers to the project. Instead of "twins or singles", we have come up with the exciting new SWINGLE model!! We will be marketing it to the couple who used to be able to ... um... well, experience that joy of the "special hug" from their newlywed days. I expect it to be a big seller with the "Come on, Honey, let's give it a try," crowd. I also expect this model to be traded or upgraded within a week!!! To quote the philosopher Charlie Sheen: WINNING!

:mrgreen:

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Special note: this is humor. While it is all in good fun, please feel free to continue to send in the financial offers. If you enjoy reading this kind of stuff for FREE, note the link below to my book, Cat On A Leash... more fun reading and you get to pay for it! And for this week ONLY, you can buy the book for 50% off through Smashwords, in celebration of "Read An E-Book Week". Of course, if you don't like this shameless self promotion of a struggling author, feel free to swear at me in a PM. :twisted:

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/27714
 
Due to popular demand, we are now offering a special model of "The MATE"...

"The Goddess" option comes with two female MATE models, specially "enhanced" and available in outfits that you wouldn't allow your daughter to wear. They don't really do anything, but special handling charges are going to be WAY more expensive. This model is designed to disappear when your income stream goes away.

Call now, supplies are limited. Offer void where prohibited by law or good taste.
 
Jim,

Sounds like a money maker! If you need an endorsement for the 'learning to play harmonica' neighbor, my wife might be able to help. Especially if your product provides versions of "O' Suzanne" and "On Top of Old Smokey" played poorly time after time for hours on end.

I recently started playing the harmonica, or I should say trying to play.

Steve
 
Thanks for the input, folks. Please note that the "Goddess" MATES are sold out. Seems some guy named Carlos Esteves in Hollywood, CA, bought out the entire run.

The anchor alarm is a very worthwhile feature and will certainly be incorporated into v2.0. Also, the harmonica input on the sound soother can easily be changed to "bad karaoke", both with and without inebriation. Buy now, and we will include a certificate for one future upgrade feature at no additional cost to you, other than shipping and handling.

Please note - the sound soother item "Whiny Teenager" did NOT go over as expected and has been deleted from the catalog. Hey, they aren't all gems. :disgust :wink:
 
Is Cat On A Leash available as print-on-demand for someone who does not own a computer or e-reader? (these people do actually still exist...)

I read the first few dozen pages of "Molly" and think it would be a good gift, but not if computers or electronics are involved (think: Amish...)
 
Karl":87igleba said:
Is Cat On A Leash available as print-on-demand for someone who does not own a computer or e-reader? (these people do actually still exist...)

I read the first few dozen pages of "Molly" and think it would be a good gift, but not if computers or electronics are involved (think: Amish...)
Click to expand...

Hi Karl,

Thanks for the inquiry. At this time, the book is only available via the eBook version. I do understand your gifting situation (I have a 90 year old Mother who has read the book on my iPad, but still has no idea how it got it there. :wink: ). If I format it for POD, I will post it here.

Best wishes,
Jim B.
 
C-Otter":2f9r8pzy said:
Jim you have way to much time on your hands :wink C-0tter
Click to expand...

Hey, I'll have you know that I had a full day today: soaked in the jacuzzi tub, replaced a daylight running light in the GMC, took my wife to lunch and the beach, and still managed to get some time on the boat. I try to write something every day... this was a fun diversion. Between the laptop, the iPad, and the Droid, it's easy to jot something down in between other activities. Enjoying sundowners as I write this. Multitasking. 8)

Hope you enjoyed this bit of silliness. In spite of the "LSC", we keep going back to the boat because it's fun. What's that old saying: there's a fine line between hobby and mental illness. :wink:

Best wishes,
Jim
 
JamesTXSD":22396gj5 said:
Due to popular demand, we are now offering a special model of "The MATE"...

"The Goddess" option comes with two female MATE models, specially "enhanced" and available in outfits that you wouldn't allow your daughter to wear. They don't really do anything, but special handling charges are going to be WAY more expensive. This model is designed to disappear when your income stream goes away.

Call now, supplies are limited. Offer void where prohibited by law or good taste.
Click to expand...

Hahahahha! :) It's funny how that hard to find option goes away as the income stream does :)
 
Jim,

I have always enjoyed good marketing, great strategy, and originality. On that vein I would like to let you know I would be available for consultation on sleep quality for those who have purchased your "Liveaboard Sleep Center" as there may be a need for sleep therapy, to include improved sleep hygiene, sleep induction and sleep maintenance. We may be able to make a special package to include my service with the original purchase or add a special contract at a reduced price for activation within the first 30 days of see*trial.

Feel free to contact my office at 1800 BETTER SLEEP for further details.

And have a great night always,

the Sleep Guy
Harvey
SleepyC :moon

Friends_Cal_09_10_Oct.thumb.jpg
 
Hi Harvey,

You are the expert; maybe you can explain why some of us sleep better on a bed that moves? I am, however, (buy my book) surprised at your self-promotion here (buy my book), even though I know your offer is well-intentioned. (Click on the link in my signature to buy my book)

Best wishes,
Jim (big sale in celebration of "Read an E-Book Week") B.

PS Your services can improve peoples' health and well-being; I'm here for a few chuckles. But, I'd bet that my book (the one everyone should buy) will put some people to sleep. :lol:
 
Jim,
Sounds as though you might have struck paydirt again. I think you can go ahead and cut Harvey out by selling CPAP machines with inverters and battery back up sleep machines along with related masks and accessories. The sleep study option is a money maker. Also another area that could be a profit center would be rodent control. I mean those plastic pie plates over your lines to prevent furry visitors from becoming permanent residents on your floating portable ghetto. Good money to be made here also selling rat poison which can also be prescribed for folks dealing with a-fib for blood thinners. Rodents are more than pests and disease carriers they are a fantastic business opportunity. How about rent a cat? I stay away from the sell a cat as the could present legal issues. Things could spin out of control into Jim's Critter Control. I assume you have nough hair left to grow a proper mullet? I certainly hope your preparing yourself typing fingers for April 1st. Dried fish helm wheel hubs caps. Man you are so much more than a narcissist, some folks have you all wrong. Sleep Good be Happy. Anchor out, dinghy In
D.D.
 
Good Morning, Jim. This is another great thread. You have proven again that you are the man. Keep it up. I can hardly wait for what you come up with next.

Have a great Southern Tip of Texas, Go Out And Take Pix of the FDD's kind of day.
 
hardee":1droj8ae said:
Feel free to contact my office at 1800 BETTER SLEEP for further details.
the Sleep Guy
Harvey
SleepyC :moon

Friends_Cal_09_10_Oct.thumb.jpg
Click to expand...

Harvey, does your "1800 Better Sleep" include .... "for a really great night's sleep, avoid riding the elevator and casually stroll up the staircase of the Columbia Tower to the top floor".... :mrgreen: .....if it doesn't, add it in and change it to "1801 Better Sleep"..... :lol:
 
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