Daily Laugh

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At the finals of the National Poetry Competition the two finalist were an
unlikely pair. Finalist number one was a Harvard educated professor of
literature and the winner of several previous competitions. Finalist number two
was a young Marine Lcpl. from the hills of West Virginia who needed help filling out the entry form.

The final round consisted of each competitor being given the same word and
having thirty seconds to complete a verse, using the word.

The Professor went first. The Judge said, " The final word this year is
' Timbuktu' " The Prof. started thinking. Ten seconds went by. Twenty seconds.
The crowd became nervous. After twenty eight seconds the Prof. began,

" Across the hot Sahara sand,
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination- Timbuktu."

The crowd went wild, there was no way that the Hillbilly Marine would ever top
that.

The Lcpl. was brought on stage. The judge gave the word, " Timbuktu.
The young Lcpl. looked to the sky, he thought for 1 0 - 1 5 seconds, stepped up to the microphone, cleared his throat, and began,

" Tim ' en me, a-hunting went,
Met three girls in a pop-up-tent,
They was three and we was two,
So, I bucked one and Tim Buck Two!"
 
Something to consider if your out tonight. You should read the entire post!!!! Happy New Year!!!!

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family & friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ... I took a cab home!
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!!!
 
A blonde walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I'm horribly sick!"

The doctor looks at her and asks, "Flu?"

"No, I drove here."
 
The Bank Job...

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.

The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.

Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up.

Click Here for more Jokes >>

The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving.

The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!"

The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"
 
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City , New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles , California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside . Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in Asheville, North Carolina reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Leicester, Bubba,a hell of an engineer and, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, North Carolina had already gone wireless".
Just makes a person proud to be from the South .
 
(I think I saw this quite a few years ago, but it's still both funny and valid!)

WELL KNOWN LAWS

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to
the least accessible place in the universe.

3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy
signal; someone always answers.

5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were
in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone
rings.

7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know
INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen
with.

8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't
work, IT WILL!!!

9.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to the reach.

10.Law of the Theater & Sporting Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will
leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who
leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks
in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big
bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also
are very surly folk.

11.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.

13.Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are
directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you
are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16.Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that
you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the
doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an
appointment and you'll stay sick.
 
The guys I play golf with asked me which beautiful actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.

I'm old, tired and I pee a lot.
 
PUN0GRAPHY (OK, you can groan on the funky ones!)


· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words ..

· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

· This dyslexic man walks into a bra .

· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..

· I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.
Police say they have nothing to go on.

· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Velcro - what a rip off!

· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
 
I did not know this...


When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.


When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart

problems.

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.


Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends.
 
For the Bagpipers among us, and you know who you are.

I found this anonymous article deeply moving--- I hope you do, too.




As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a


funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless


man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a


pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar


with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,


I didn't stop for directions.


I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently


gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the


diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.


I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the


side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in


place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.


The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.


I played


out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.


I played like


I've never played before for this homeless man.


And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,


I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes


and started for my car.


Though my head hung low, my heart was full.


As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,


"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in


septic tanks for twenty years."


Apparently, I'm still lost... It's a man thing.



--





 
A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke
the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.
"Good", she replied . "Get your own fxxxxxg blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End.......
 
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
 
After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

The wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured....

Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.
 
When We Grow Up...

Teacher asks the kids in her class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest girl, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on the beach, a jet to travel all over Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card and have sex with her three times a day."

He sat down with a big self-satisfied smile.

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson, and asks: "How about you, Sarah?"

"I thought I wanted to be a nurse. But I want to be Johnny's girlfriend."
 
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
 
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