Daily Laugh

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Funny, practical, and for your consideration:


Gunfight Rules...

In a gunfight, the most important rule is ..... HAVE A GUN!!!

Shooting advice from various Concealed Carry Instructors:

If you own a gun, you will appreciate these rules...

If not, you should get one and learn how to use it and learn the rules:


RULES:

A: Guns have only two enemies: rust and politicians.

B: It’s always better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

C: Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you.

D: Never let someone or something that threatens you get inside an arm’s Length of you...

E: Never say "I've got a gun." If you need to use deadly force, the First sound they hear should be the safety clicking off.

F: The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes;
The response time of a .357 magnum is 1400 feet per second.

G: The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win - there is no such thing as a fair fight; cheat if necessary.

H: Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets ...
You may get killed with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with it,‘cause it will be empty.

I: If you're in a gun fight:
If you're not shooting, you should be loading.
If you're not loading, you should be moving.
If you're not moving, you're dead.

J: In a life and death situation, do something ... It may be wrong, but do Something!

K: If you carry a gun, people call you paranoid. Nonsense!
If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?

L: You can say 'stop' or any other word, but a large bore muzzle
Pointed at someone's head is pretty much a universal language.

M: Never leave an enemy behind. If you have to shoot, shoot to kill. In court, yours will be the only testimony.

N: You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself And your family.

(Whether you agree or not, these can be both funny and thought-provoking. Joe.)
 
Husband Down in Aisle 5


A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

That's him in Aisle 5.
 
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men ?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one ?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

(I always wondered how this trend got started)
 
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.


"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
 
The Computer is Gender Confused

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.


'"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."'

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher thought it would be a good exercise to have the students decide what they thought the gender should be.

So she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you constantly find yourself spending more money on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.


2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model!
 
Learning New Words...

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

"My bike."
 
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!


1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.


Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

:lol:
 
Joke: Just the Same...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
 
The prison officer tells the warden, “Sir, I have to report that ten prisoners have broken out.”


The alarmed warden says, “Blow the whistles, sound the alarms, alert the police.


With a surprised look the officer says, “Shouldn’t we call the doctor first – it looks as if it might be measles.
 
Minnesota Humor, you Betcha


FAMOUS INVENTIONS
The toilet seat was invented in Minnesota, but twenty years later a North Dakotan invented the hole in it. UFF DA!!

OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS
When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, 'I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents.'

THAT'S HER!
A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, 'Yep, dat's her!

VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE
Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. 'The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400' said the first Norwegian.

'Vell,' said the other one, 'At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch
any more.'

THE RELATIONS
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. 'Lena , vat ever happened tew our sex relations?' He asked.

'Vell, Ole, I yust don't know,' replied Lena . 'I don't tink ve even got a
card from dem last Christmas.'

MUSIC SOLUTION
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet.' 'How come?'
asked Lars.

'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet, she can't sing.

THE PRANK CALL
The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. 'Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles from here' he says and hangs up.

'Who vas dat?' asks Lena .

'I donno, some fool wanting to know if da coast vas clear.’


On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee.

Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to.

So Ole drove to Duluteh


Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Alexandria, Minnesota. The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's said, 'Ole...What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked.'

'Yah, I know,' said Ole. 'You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about ten of us. Der vas boys and girls.'

'Is that right?', his policeman friend asked.

'Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom! 'So vee all go into the bedroom....where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' 'Vel, vee all got undressed.

Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!'

I guess I'm the first one here!*
 
· I tried to catch some fog. I mist. ·
When chemists die, they barium · Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. · A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. · I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.· This dyslexic man walks into a bra .
· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..
· I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
· Broken pencils are pointless.
· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
· Velcro - what a rip off!
· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
 
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.


I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.


A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.


Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.


Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.


My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.


My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen.


As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.


His theory was right.


The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location,


confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.


Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."


There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.


"Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!


Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."


He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."


Yep, it's the golden years................
 
Being Green

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment f or
future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were truely recycled.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.
But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
 
THIS MAY BE HARDER THAN YOU MAY THINK. THE ANSWERS WILL BE ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE, BUT YOU JUST CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER THE CORRECT ANSWER. DON'T LOOK BELOW FOR THE ANSWERS UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED IT OUT. The answers are printed below, (after the questions) But don't cheat! Answer them first..... 01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________. 02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on... The ____ ___________ Show. 03. 'Get your kicks, __ _________ _______.' 04. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ___________________.' 05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.' 06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____________.' 07. Nestle's makes the very best . ' _______________.' 08. Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this Great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________. 09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________. 10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was Named __________________ And Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________ ________... ' 11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so b y burning their______________. 12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ &_______________. 13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to ___________________. 14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________. 15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the __________ ______________. 16. Remember LS/MFT _____ _____ /_____ _____ _____? 17. Hey Kids! What time is it? It's _____ ______ _____! 18. Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? The _____ Knows! 19. There was a song that came out in the 60's that was "a grave yard smash". It's name was the ______ ______! 20. Alka Seltzer used a "boy with a tablet on his head" as it's Logo/Representative. What was the boy's name? ________









ANSWERS: 01.The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet. 02. The Ed Sullivan Show 03. On Route 66 04.To protect the innocent. 05.The Lion Sleeps Tonight 06. The limbo 07. Chocolate 08. Louis Armstrong 09. The Timex watch 10. Freddy, The Freeloader and... 'Good Night and God Bless.' 11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed) 12. Beetle or Bug 13. Buddy Holly 14. Sputnik 15. Hoola-hoop 16. Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco 17. Howdy Doody Time 18. Shadow 19.Monster Mash 20. Speedy
 
Got 100%, Brent. I am in that narrow window of being old enough to know all those answers AND having just enough brain cells left to call them up. :wink:
 
Sex After Death…

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was
no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his
word, he made the first contact: "Marion, Marion."

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then
have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots
of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex
the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and
then the next day it starts all over again".

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No... I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."
 
Temptation is Hard...

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
 
Recently, while I was washing my boat in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.
During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up.

She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, Democratic Party members were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!" I told her.

"What do you mean?" she replied.

So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50.
Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.
 
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