Daily Laugh
- Thread starter Sea Wolf
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Joe, it's obvious that you have an excess of time best expended ogling girls at the lake like you usually do. As a former educator, you can appreciate the effort made by this educator as he explains the revolutionary new Chrysler transmission destined for all vehicle and marine applications.
As an aside, old buddy, with your scientific background will you please give us all a layman version of that explanation? 'Preciate it.
Don
As an aside, old buddy, with your scientific background will you please give us all a layman version of that explanation? 'Preciate it.
Don
starcrafttom
Active member
I know.. if you push the gas it goes fast!!!
Wandering Sagebrush
Free Range Human
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
It's so bad that I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the
counter asked, "Can you afford French fries with that?"
The economy is so bad that CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad that if the bank returns your check marked
"Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you
or them.
The economy is so bad that Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading
higher than GM.
The economy is so bad that McDonald's is selling a new 1/4 ouncer.
The economy is so bad that parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies
and are learning their children's names.
The economy is so bad that a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking
into Mexico.
The economy is so bad that Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
The economy is so bad that Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad that the Mafia is laying off judges.
The economy is so bad that Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
And finally, Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff
scandal. Oh Great! The guy that made $50 billion disappear is being
investigated by the people that made $1.5 trillion disappear!
It's so bad that I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the
counter asked, "Can you afford French fries with that?"
The economy is so bad that CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad that if the bank returns your check marked
"Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you
or them.
The economy is so bad that Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading
higher than GM.
The economy is so bad that McDonald's is selling a new 1/4 ouncer.
The economy is so bad that parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies
and are learning their children's names.
The economy is so bad that a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking
into Mexico.
The economy is so bad that Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
The economy is so bad that Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad that the Mafia is laying off judges.
The economy is so bad that Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
And finally, Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff
scandal. Oh Great! The guy that made $50 billion disappear is being
investigated by the people that made $1.5 trillion disappear!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2WJbXpdBo8
Haven't seen this in years...some things never go out of style. :lol:
Haven't seen this in years...some things never go out of style. :lol:
A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP....
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP....
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
The coffin stops.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP....
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP....
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
The coffin stops.
Traffic Camera
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding....
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..
You can't fix stupid.
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding....
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..
You can't fix stupid.
I was confused when I heard the word 'service ' used in these contexts.
Internal Revenue 'Service '
U.S.. Postal 'Service '
Telephone 'Service '
Cable TV 'Service '
Civil 'Service '
State, City, County & Public 'Service '
Customer 'Service '
These were not the connotations of 'Service ' I thought of .
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service ' a few cows.
BANG!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are up to.
Internal Revenue 'Service '
U.S.. Postal 'Service '
Telephone 'Service '
Cable TV 'Service '
Civil 'Service '
State, City, County & Public 'Service '
Customer 'Service '
These were not the connotations of 'Service ' I thought of .
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service ' a few cows.
BANG!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are up to.
Wandering Sagebrush
Free Range Human
Discovery":4yuea3mz said:
OH MY GOODNESS! That is classic!!! ROTFLMAO!!!!
Wandering Sagebrush
Free Range Human
From yesterday's email...
The Darwin Awards 2009
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4 After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,
knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
The Darwin Awards 2009
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4 After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,
knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
#10 would be a LOT funnier if it were a boat instead of a motorhome... similar deck plates... stupid, but possible. Whereas a motorhome uses a dump valve for the sewer: pull the lever and gravity takes over. It doesn't look anything like a fuel tank cap.
Not saying I've seen every sewer attachment on every motorhome... but with all that I have seen, the only way even an incredibly stupid person could get to it is to lay under the sewer outlet and open the valve... no hose necessary - it's all comin' at ya, and with a pretty good velocity.
I smell something here... um, not sewer... perhaps bovine excrement? :wink:
Of course, one should never underestimate the limits of stupid.
Just saying.
Not saying I've seen every sewer attachment on every motorhome... but with all that I have seen, the only way even an incredibly stupid person could get to it is to lay under the sewer outlet and open the valve... no hose necessary - it's all comin' at ya, and with a pretty good velocity.
I smell something here... um, not sewer... perhaps bovine excrement? :wink:
Of course, one should never underestimate the limits of stupid.
Just saying.
Wandering Sagebrush
Free Range Human
Jim, just for curiosity, I went out to Snopes to see if they had any references to the syphon story. Yup, it's been around since about 1989. There is no proof that it is true, but....
In fact, most of the stories in the Official 2009 Darwin Awards are recycled from years gone by.
Oh well, they're fun to laugh at...
In fact, most of the stories in the Official 2009 Darwin Awards are recycled from years gone by.
Oh well, they're fun to laugh at...
MEDICAL ALERT!
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately inform your friends of this medical alert. If you do not have any friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately inform your friends of this medical alert. If you do not have any friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Wandering Sagebrush
Free Range Human
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Sclumberg is such a very inspiring person.
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'? Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'? Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.
- Status