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Will I Live to see 80?


Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two
visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
(I just turned 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist
asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all
red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, play rock and roll, or have a
lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.


He looked at me and said...
'Then, why do you even give a sh**?
 
Jim,

That reminds me of the guy who was told he only had one year to live. He went to the doctor and asked "Is there anyway I can live longer?" . The doc replied, "Well you could become an accountant". Confused the guy asked the doc "That will make me live longer?". The doc said "No, but it will SEEM longer".
 
Tools. Don'tcha love 'em?


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing said clothes.

**SOB TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b----' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.*
 
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female

teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill

Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry

(Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.



When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided

that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the

other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room

when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could

reach the urinal.



Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,

and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their

'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes . As she lifted one,

she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.



Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be

in the 5th grade.'



'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race,

but I appreciate your help.'
 
Importance of Walking

1. Walking just 20 minutes each day can add to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

2. When he was 60, my grandpa started walking five miles a day. Now he's 97, and we haven't a clue where he is.

3. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

4. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

5. I prefer to walk early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

6. I spent about 400 bucks and joined a health club last year, and I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

7. Every time I hear the dirty word “exercise” I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is so that, when you die, folks will say, "Well, he looks good, doesn't he."

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I got a lot of exercise the last few years; just getting over the hill was plenty.

11. We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our skulls. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

12. Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and, by the time I leave, I look just fine.


 
New Stock Market Terms

CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing a n investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET – a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.

STANDARD & POOR – Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.


# # # # #


If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines

one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.


If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG

one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.


If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers

one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.


But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer

one year ago, drank all the beer,

then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund,

you will have received $214.00.


Based on the above, the best current investment plan

is to drink heavily & recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg.
 
One question we always seem to get around here:

"Can I tow a <insert big boat> with a <insert small vehicle>?"

Well...good news. It appears this guy has really thought things through. Yes, now you, can tow your TomCat with your mini SUV.

At first, I was thinking there's no way that tailgate would hold - but the last pic, shows the ingenious solution.

tow_01.sized.jpg

tow_02.sized.jpg

tow_03.sized.jpg
 
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the total number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Give her the finger? I don't think so.
 
Regarding that car hitched to the fifth wheel, some places require a trailer parked in the street to be hitched. For example, redondo beach is one such city, as we found out to our sorrow. The police don't go looking for it, but neighbors do. It was $70/day.

So that's one explanation. That car will never move the trailer, but it's legally hitched and the neighbors can't do anything about it.


Boris
 
They now have the sequel to "Dances With Wolves"-- it is "Swims With Polar Bears" with a recent showing in Berlin.
 
An oldie but still funny to 50% of us:

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you
will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and
wife.'
 
Now that's funny, James. Thought I better give you the email "The Blonde" sent me re: how she puts up with you. So appropriate on Mother's Day:

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
 
Ah, Sneaks, methinks your eyes are turning brown... the Blonde is a great cook and don't think I don't appreciate that. As far as the way my dear ol' Mother used to cook... do they still make Swanson's TV Dinners? :lol: No comment on the ending to your poem. :wink:
 
The times are changing...


While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the
usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc .

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell,
and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old M/Sgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,

'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'


'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,

'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'

'It's The Box Office.'
 



The wife From Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir. '

The driver says, ' Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ' Now don't be silly dear, you know
this car doesn't have cruise control ! '

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ' Can't you
please keep your m outh shut for once ?? '

The wife smiles demurely and says, ' You should be thankful your radar detector went
off when it did. '

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ' DAMN it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut ?!!!!! '

The officer frowns and says, ' And I notice that you're not w earing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. ' The driver says, ' Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '

The wife says, ' Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving. '

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ' WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP ?!!!!! '

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ' Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am ? '



' Only when he's been drinking.
 
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