This is hilarious--- Baby Boomers Battle Hymn
Daily Laugh
- Thread starter Sea Wolf
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Jeff Brigner
New member
Subject: A trip to Hawaii
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Hawaii tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Hawaii , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he would bring her sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.
"He brings me food and I get a free trip to Hawaii. Plus he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Catalina express Ferry"....
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Hawaii tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Hawaii , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he would bring her sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.
"He brings me food and I get a free trip to Hawaii. Plus he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Catalina express Ferry"....
Only a Canadian can truly appreciate this!
_*
*A woman from Vancouver, who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland near Lake Cowichan, Vancouver Island. There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered an endangered spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground. *
*The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away in Duncan . She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help. The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
*
*He smiled and said, 'Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada , BC Forest Service and Worksafe BC before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
OH CANADA *
_*
*A woman from Vancouver, who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland near Lake Cowichan, Vancouver Island. There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered an endangered spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground. *
*The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away in Duncan . She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help. The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
*
*He smiled and said, 'Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada , BC Forest Service and Worksafe BC before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
OH CANADA *
Captains Cat
New member
What to do on a plane if the passenger next to you is irritating:
1- Remove your lap top from its bag
2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully
3- Turn on
4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching
5- Turn on the Internet
6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer
7- Take a deep breath and open this site http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
8- Observe the facial expression of your neighboring passenger
9- Be ready to be charged with something or other.... :roll:
1- Remove your lap top from its bag
2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully
3- Turn on
4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching
5- Turn on the Internet
6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer
7- Take a deep breath and open this site http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
8- Observe the facial expression of your neighboring passenger
9- Be ready to be charged with something or other.... :roll:
starcrafttom
Active member
Why do Canadians say Ah all the time.? They learn it in school when they are little.
Teacher: How do we spell Canada class?
Class: C ah n ah d ah!!
Teacher: How do we spell Canada class?
Class: C ah n ah d ah!!
I had a flat tire on the interstate, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.
To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.
He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
'What's going on here?'
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
'Well, what the are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'
I couldn't believe that he didn't know.. So I told him,
'Helloooooo, those are my Emergency Flashers.'
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.
To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.
He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
'What's going on here?'
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
'Well, what the are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'
I couldn't believe that he didn't know.. So I told him,
'Helloooooo, those are my Emergency Flashers.'
You must be an up tight skipper to run this ship....
http://engrishfunny.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/engrish-funny-titan-uranus.jpg?w=480&h=320
http://engrishfunny.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/engrish-funny-titan-uranus.jpg?w=480&h=320
Captains Cat
New member
If you read Pat's post about the folks whose boat sank and kept reading the Blog from Snowqualimiejoe, you found this...
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
‘Happy Birthday!’,
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
‘ Happy Birthday.’
I thought….
Well, that’s marriage for you,
but the kids…
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn’t say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
‘Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! ‘
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, ‘You know,
It’s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..’
I said, ‘Thanks, Jane,
that’s the greatest thing
I’ve heard all day.
Let’s go !’
We went to lunch.
But we didn’t go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, ‘You know,
It’s such a beautiful day…
We don’t need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?’
I responded,
‘I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?’
She said,
‘Let’s drop by my apartment,
it’s just around the corner.’
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
‘ Boss, if you don’t mind,
I’m going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I’ll be right back.’
‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake …
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.
And I just sat there….
On the couch…
Keep reading.....
down....
Naked.
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
‘Happy Birthday!’,
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
‘ Happy Birthday.’
I thought….
Well, that’s marriage for you,
but the kids…
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn’t say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
‘Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! ‘
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, ‘You know,
It’s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..’
I said, ‘Thanks, Jane,
that’s the greatest thing
I’ve heard all day.
Let’s go !’
We went to lunch.
But we didn’t go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, ‘You know,
It’s such a beautiful day…
We don’t need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?’
I responded,
‘I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?’
She said,
‘Let’s drop by my apartment,
it’s just around the corner.’
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
‘ Boss, if you don’t mind,
I’m going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I’ll be right back.’
‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake …
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.
And I just sat there….
On the couch…
Keep reading.....
down....
Naked.
Some time this year, we taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting new program. I will explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1. spending it at yard sales, or
2. going to ball games, or
3. spending it on prostitutes, or beer or
4. buying a new C-dory or
5. Ruger firearms.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US.)
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1. spending it at yard sales, or
2. going to ball games, or
3. spending it on prostitutes, or beer or
4. buying a new C-dory or
5. Ruger firearms.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US.)
Subject: Old German Shepherd
One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!'
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on
the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one
delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the
leopard, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him
heading after the leopard with grea t speed, and figures that something
must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes
a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on
his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German
Shepherd says...
'Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
leopard!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth
and treachery! Brilliance only comes with age and experience.
Old Guys Rule! :lol:
Note: I may have entered this story before, but I don't remember, and that's one more thing that doesn't work quite as well as it used to, but what the hell...!
(I've also heard the saying as "Age and treachery will always overcome youth and exhuberance", so take your pick!)
Joe. :teeth :thup
One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!'
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on
the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one
delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the
leopard, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him
heading after the leopard with grea t speed, and figures that something
must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes
a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on
his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German
Shepherd says...
'Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
leopard!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth
and treachery! Brilliance only comes with age and experience.
Old Guys Rule! :lol:
Note: I may have entered this story before, but I don't remember, and that's one more thing that doesn't work quite as well as it used to, but what the hell...!
(I've also heard the saying as "Age and treachery will always overcome youth and exhuberance", so take your pick!)
Joe. :teeth :thup
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine! :lol:
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine! :lol:
Anita Marie
New member
Why men should not write advice columns:
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work
leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled
and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had
to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbor's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is
19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted
him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having
an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling
and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can
you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be
caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by
checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it
is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake
manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of
these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the
fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure
to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work
leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled
and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had
to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbor's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is
19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted
him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having
an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling
and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can
you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be
caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by
checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it
is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake
manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of
these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the
fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure
to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John
RE: 'Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns"
.... at least the guy wasn't an Engineer! (could be an inside joke!)
AND BY THE WAY: (Not to be political, but good humor, anyway!)
So what have we learned in 2 millennia?
"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public
debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and
controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest
Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on
public assistance."
Cicero - 55 BC
Evidently nothing.
.... at least the guy wasn't an Engineer! (could be an inside joke!)
AND BY THE WAY: (Not to be political, but good humor, anyway!)
So what have we learned in 2 millennia?
"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public
debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and
controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest
Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on
public assistance."
Cicero - 55 BC
Evidently nothing.
Subject: Apple Does It Again!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered
a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at
their breasts and not listening to them.
Joe. :roll:
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered
a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at
their breasts and not listening to them.
Joe. :roll:
Wandering Sagebrush
Free Range Human
Sea Wolf":35x3a0fw said:
Joe, either you are a very brave man, or you have taken leave of your senses. Holy Catfish! Duck! Incoming!!!!!!
- Status