Daily Laugh

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Bailout According To Maxine

BAIL 'EM OUT?

Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada
for tax evasion and, as required by law tried to run it. They failed, and it closed.
Now we are trusting the economy of our country and the banking system
to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!
 
*COUGH REMEDY*

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk: "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"
The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a Laxative!"
The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can!
Look at him, he's afraid to cough."
 
An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, "Where were you on the night of October to April?"
 
* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on
it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* What's the definition of a will? (Common... It's a dead giveaway!)

* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A -flat
miner.

* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

* A calendar's days are numbered.

* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* Those that get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

* When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
 
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Ethan, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Ethan clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that?  In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned.  'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:       I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.
 
Wandering Sagebrush":3n0lfnfb said:
Roger,

Two other horrible problems we see with computers with are:

I/O error (idiot operator), and a

Loose Nut at keyboard

Steve
Click to expand...

And most of them fit me :!: :shock: :oops: :roll:
 
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3 Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.

The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '

8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'
 
C130 vs F16:

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F- 16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this', and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!

We old Brats understand this one, and I think it could easily be changed to a comparison between a C-22 and the typical jetski jock in a heartbeat.

Don
 
Last night Lisbeth & I went out to dinner to a Chinese restaurant. when the dinner was over and the fortune cookies were opened I was blessed with this fortune
Scan1.sized.jpg
 
HEAVIEST ELEMENT DISCOVERED

Research has led to discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.


These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that normally takes less than a second to take as long as 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neurons and deputy neurons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, which has half as many peons but twice the number of morons.
 
Fifty Years of Math 1959-2009 (in the USA )

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
 
C-Hawk and Sea Wolf, your observations are priceless.
Sad but true.

Joe, I find literally maybe one person in a thousand that actually knows how to return change properly.
 
Subject: A surgeons knowledge



A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice
insurance and HMO/NHS paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where Skilful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with
tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that
he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, Saying, "I don't want to appear
ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if
there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the
engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total
mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly,
which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an
extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career"
 
There's a big conference of beer producers in Seattle. At the end of the day, the CEO's of all beer companies decide to have a drink in the hotel bar.

The CEO of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the CEO of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Pat Anderson what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Anderson orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Snoqualamie?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys aren't having a beer, then neither will I."
 
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