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Choosing a wife


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.


The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so
much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer' s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with
them.
 
Photo of US Airways Flt 1549 terrorists
Flt%201549.jpg
 
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
 
[]
Cup of Tea.
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
 
This is very funny, and dedicated to Jim B, for reasons you will find out later.


There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


Making a Baby



The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.
The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping
to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do
we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.
And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I
shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out
a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park
to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than
three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.



(Jim B. is our resident professional photographer, although his present speciality is the dolphins. (See...no FD this time!)

Joe. :lol:
 
Two of my favorites (If there's a common theme here, it's a strange one, I admit.):

1. There are three kinds of mathematicians - those who can count and those who can't.

2. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
 
I'd like to publicly state that I had nothing whatsoever to do with Joe's post!

When we were still working, I had a minimum charge for baby sessions. Because of that, we usually dealt with the "screamers and clingers"... on the rare occasion we actually did a baby session. And Joan always scheduled me an hour and a half to get through it. Sometimes she would be working right beside me.

What are we talking about? :mrgreen:

And for complete disclosure, Joan shoots more of the dolphin shots than I do. 8)
 
My First Time Ever


The sky was dark

the moon was high

All alone

just her and I

Her hair so soft

Her eyes so blue

I knew just what

She wanted to do


Her skin so smooth

Her legs so fine

I ran my fingers

Down her spine


I didn't know how

But I tried my best

I started by placing

My hand on her breast


I remember my fear

My fast beating heart

But slowly she spread

Her legs apart


When I did it

I felt no shame

All at once

The white stuff came


At last it's finished

It's all over now

My first time ever












MILKING A COW
 
My First Job


My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef, I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
 
Here's a couple for Roger's list... Given the state of the economy it seems appropriate.


"I invested all my money in plumbing, and watched it go down the drain"

or

"You can invest in raisins, but the market is shriveling."
 
Here's some political humor, not directed at anyone or any party, just some funny stuff gathered from the past that has a Libertarian (the less government, the better) view:

Government: A Libertarian View


Subject: Ancient Wit ( Enjoy... the Truth in Wit- so appropriate for today!)

1. "If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the
newspaper you are misinformed."-Mark Twain

2. "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress....But, then I repeat myself." -Mark Twain

3. "I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like
a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
-Winston Churchill

4. "A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the
support of Paul." - George Bernard Shaw

5. "Democracy must be something more than two wolves & a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner."-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

6. "Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in
rich countries to rich people in poor countries." -Douglas Casey, Classmate
of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

7. "Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys
to teenage boys." - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

8. "Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to
live at the expense of everybody else." -Frederic Bastiat, Economist
(1801-1850)

9. "Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it
stops moving, subsidize it."- -Ronald Reagan ( 1986)

10. "I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."
-Will Rogers

11. "If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it
costs when it's free." - P.J. O'Rourke

12. "In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other." -Voltaire
(1764)

13. "Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you!" -Pericles (430 B.C.)

14. "No man's life, liberty or property is safe while the legislature is in
session." - Mark Twain (1866)

15. "Talk is cheap.....Except when Congress does it." - Unknown

16. "The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite
at one end and no responsibility at the other." -Ronald Reagan

17. "The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin." - Mark Twain

18. "What this country needs are more unemployed politicians." -Edward
Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

19. " A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong
enough to take everything you have." - Thomas Jefferson
_________________


Joe. B.A., Political Science, 1964, afterwards relegated to teaching Science (my minors), mostly Chemistry and Physics, because that's where the jobs were! :teeth :thup
 
A Brat and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing Living Wills. For purposes of anonymity we'll call them "Jim and Joan".

Jim says "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

Joan got up, unplugged the computer and threw out all the beer.



.
 
Sneaks":vuidfcn4 said:
A Brat and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing Living Wills. For purposes of anonymity we'll call them "Jim and Joan".

Jim says "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

Joan got up, unplugged the computer and threw out all the beer.
.
Click to expand...

Well, you got that half right! :wink:
 
I think I got the math instructor mad at me. We're good friends, he was teaching an industrial math class across from my office the other day and I just couldn't help but stick my head in the class. He was laying out a volume problem and grilling the class on how to solve for L and that L had to be isolated & how do we get L out of the equation .... I just had to point out that in our field/industry we would just beat the L out of it ....I bad
 
Dead horse and bail out plan


Young Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next morning, the farmer had bad news. 'Sorry son, I have some bad news, the horse died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece. Made a profit of $998.'

The 0ld farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works now for the government, he was the one who figured out the bail out plan.
 
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