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Five Surgeons
>
> Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who
> makes the Best patients to operate on.
>
>
> The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like
> to see accountants on my operating table because when you
> open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
>
>
> The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but
> you should try electricians! Everything inside them is
> colorcoded.'
>
>
> The third s urgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I
> really think librarians are the best, everything inside
> them is in alphabetical order'
>
>
> The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in:
> 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys
> always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
>
>
> But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them
> all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong.
> Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no
> guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the
> head and the ass are interchangeable.
>
 
Rules for combat:

Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Never attend a gunfight w/a handgun whose caliber doesn't start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.


Navy SEAL's Rules:


1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.


US Army Rangers Rules:


1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.


US Army Rules:


1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.


US Air Force Rules:


1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.


US Navy Rules:


1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
 
LDERLY PRIEST AND YOUNGER PRIEST

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."
 
Priceless... Wrong email address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without
realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband ' s funeral.

He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expectingmessages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow ' s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject : I ' ve Arrived

Date: October 16, 2007

I know you ' re surprised to hear from me.

They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I ' ve just arrived and have been checked in. I 've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!


 
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Canadian man
answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We're sorry sir, But we
have some information about your wife," said one Mountie.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" the anguished husband sobbed.
The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some
good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, "Give me the bad news first."
The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, Sir, but this morning we found your
wife's body in the bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's
the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had twelve 25-pound
snow crabs and six good-size lobsters clinging to her."
Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the
great news?"
The Mountie said, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow :wink:
 
A man walked into a store with his eight-year-old son. They happened
to walk by the condom display, and the boy asked, "What are these,
Dad?"

The father decided to just be straightforward. He answered, "Those are
called condoms, son. During lovemaking, men use them to prevent their
women from getting pregnant."

"Oh, yeah," replied the boy. "I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looked over the display and picked up a package of 3 and asked,
"Why are there 3 in this package?"

The father replied, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday,
one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" said the boy. He then picked up a six-pack and asked, "What is
this package of 6 for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answered, "Two for Friday, two
for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"Wow!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses all these?" he asked, picking
up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for
January, one for February, one for March...."
 
mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City
to Chicago .

The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother
and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight
attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs
have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask
me?"

The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes
because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to
you!
 
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and20forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched
delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm
looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .

WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

S*O*B* THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I sh--
myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw
a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm
still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
 
Subject: thats when the fight started........

#1 When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive..... so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....


*********************************************************
#******************************* ***

#3 After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

***********************************************************************

#4 My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

********** * ************************************************************

#
 
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm
going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time, I'm jumping too."

The Blonde Guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The Blonde Guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to his
death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the Blonde's wife. The Blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."


--
 
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. (Boy does this sound familiar!)

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

Don't mess with old people!!
 
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. (Boy does this sound familiar!)

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

Don't mess with old people!!
 
And other people too.... :P

Brent



Joined: 15 Jul 2006
Posts: 595
City/Region: Greenwood
State or Province: IN
Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 8:42 pm Post subject: Dont mess with.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed
when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom window.


George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw
that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the
police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then
they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock
his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the
police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because
there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't hav e
to worry about them now because I just shot them." Then he hung up.

ETC, ETC.

Looks like George has moved to Austrailia... :lol:

Don't sweat it Bill, happens to the best of us (except Sneaks and I of course) :wink:

Are you and El coming to Ches Bay anytime this year or next? Or SBS 09? I'm thinking about going out there again....

Charlie
 
For us old guys - the AARP Eye Chart:
AARP%20Eye%20Chart.jpg
 
Ah, isn't it great to get old? Don't have any firm plans for next year, yet. Thinking of coming east to do the Loop -- with the state of the economy, we will likely be the only boat on the water (and, of course, we'll be paddling).
 
ffheap":1s87l68p said:
Bumper sticker.


Obama is to taxpayers as Col. Sanders is to chickens.
Click to expand...

We saw that last week as a nicely lettered sign outside a home: "A taxpayer voting for Obama is like a chicken voting for Col. Sanders."

I've stayed out of the political threads, 'cause I feel most folks already know their own views... and no amount of fussin', cussin', and badgering is going to change anyone's mind. I know my mind's made up... don't confuse me with the facts. 8)

Anyone remember the movie Brewster's Millions? I'll be looking for "None of the Above". :wink:

------------------------------

OK, since this is the humor thread...

A guy goes into a bank and tells the teller, "Give me all your money." She refuses and he shoots her. He turns to the teller next to her and says, "Did you see that?" That teller says, "Yes," and the guy shoots him.

He turns to a couple standing in line and says, "Did you see that?"

The man says, "No, but my wife did."

(rimshot)
 
Somewhere, in my myriad of stuff, I've got a bumper sticker that says"


RE-ELECT NOBODY!

If I find that sucker, it's going on my truck/boat and anything I own...

Charlie
 
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