Daily Laugh

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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador
Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks very
quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a
'Sniffing dog.' His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll
show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says:
'Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search.' Sniffer jumps down, walks
along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for
several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
Agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That
woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat
number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab
sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its
seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
A note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and
down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then
came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat
and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure
out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the
agent, 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb!'
 
His request approved, the CBS News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go."

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CBS Cable News," he responded. "And I need to get some close up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is ... you're NOT my flight instructor?"
 
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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed
when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom window.


George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw
that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the
police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then
they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock
his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the
police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because
there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't hav e
to worry about them now because I just shot them." Then he hung up.


Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a
helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at
the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed .

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that
you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people
 
You Pacific Northwest types aren't the only ones with "You know you're from" lists....


You Know You're From San Diego When ..


1. You can correctly pronounce Tierrasanta, La Jolla, Rancho Penasquitos, San Ysidro, Otay Mesa, Jamul, and El Cajon, and know where they are.

2. There are four distinct seasons: Summer, Not Quite Summer, Almost Summer, and oh, Hey look .. it's summer again.

3. Your high school had a surf team.

4. Chula-juana is a real town, as well as San Yskidrow, Spun Alley, and Nasty City.

5. Your house is worth more than some small countries.

6. You know what MB, OB, and PB stand for.

7. Every street name is either in Spanish or Spanish related, and you're surprised when other areas dont have this.

8. You can determine the accuracy of someone's "I'm ghetto" claim by knowing their high school. for example: El Camino High School, or Crawford High.

9. You see weather forecasts for four different climate zones in the same county, and aren't remotely surprised.

10. You've gone to Mt. Helix in July and know you still need a jacket.

11. You remember going to "The Cross" on Mt. Helix for Easter services. 60 degrees is COLD!

12. You've tailgated at Qualcomm Stadium, and for bonus points, also >>> tailgated when it was Jack Murphy Stadium.

13. You know that "charge!" doesn't refer to a credit card.

14. You remember going downtown via Federal Blvd. before Hwy 94 was built.

15. You remember when Hwy 94 was 2 lanes in each direction.

16. You've been on a field trip to see an Imax movie at the Rueben H. Fleet Space Center.

17. You still call it the Del Mar Fair.

18. You say "I'm going to the track" and people know what you're talking about.

19. You say "I'm going to the park" and people know what you mean.

20. You remember when 'Lemon Grove', 'La Mesa', and 'Spring Valley' were "in the sticks"

21. You understand what may-gray and june-gloom means.

22. A famous skateboarder/surfer lives in your town,

23. Theres a North County, South County, and an East County but no Central County.

24. You know what it means when a girl in a short skirt is walking on El Cajon Boulevard.

25. You've gotten stuck in the Horton Plaza parking structure traffic after a Padres game.

26. You know what "the merge" is, and will plan your entire day around not being on it during rush hour.

27. You know the difference between Clairmont Mesa, Kearny Mesa, and Mira Mesa.

28. You've stayed home from school or work, because "It's Raining!".

29. You've gone to Sea World on a warm day and sat in the first few rows at the Shamu show to get cooled off.

30. You've been delayed at the Border Checkpoints on the 5, the 8 and the 15.

31. Your house doesn't have or need air conditioning unless you live in the East County.

32. No matter what the weather is, there is always someone walking around in a t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops.

33. You've been to the desert, the mountains, and the beach all in one day.

34. You know that Santee and Lakeside are where the 'cowboys' live.

35. You know why Hillcrest is known as 'the swish alps'.

36. You hate tourists and their bad driving. (But you don't know how to drive in the rain.)

37. You've gone to the Zoo just to hang out.

38. You have family or friends that have moved to Arizona, Nevada, Oregon, Utah or Colorado.

39. You know someone who doesn't own pants.

40. You know what the 'Santa Ana's are, and that they have nothing to do with the city of Santa Ana.

41. You know what 'real mexican food' tastes like.

42. You remember when 'Mission Valley' was cow pastures (Oh...to have bought land then!)

43. You remember when Lemon Grove had "the cows"

44. You remember 'nickel snatchers.'

45. You remember 'Lane Field.'

46. The Tuna Canneries (phew)

47. The street car going down Rosecrans street

48. Horton Plaza with the fountain and sailors

49. Kellog Beach in La Playa

50. Hwy. 80---2 lanes to Yuma
 
Sneaks,

Those are classics. Born Oceanside 1944; lived in Solana Beach from 1950-1966; surfed, skateboarded, and did the border shuffle when smuggling rum across at Tijuana was the worst crime we could imagine.

You forgot trekking to Julian in the fall for Jonathon apples, hiking up Stonewall Jackson in Cuyamaca State park, jai alai, racing at Agua Caliente, Raquel Welch as Miss San Diego County Fair (aka Southern California Exposition), grunion runs, and doing the nasty on the beach.

Thanks for the trip down memory lane.
 
Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was

manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars

of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was

to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in

NewYork.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever

delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to

New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever

lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly

awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was

so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they

still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th! and is known,

of course, as Sinko De Mayo.
 
I was walking past the local mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting: ”13….13….13….13….”

The fence was too high to me to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting: “14....14....14...14…”
 
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting dull, but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But the worst of it is almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
 
Sneaks":svbu978i said:
But the worst of it is almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Click to expand...

Reminds me of a few presidential elections back when some female reporters asked Senator Bob Dole whether he wore boxers or briefs.

His answer:

"Depends" (!)


***************


Joe. :lol:
 
Fishing - Southern Style

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" asked the game warden.

"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

"Well, what?", says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH", replied the warden!

"What fish?", replied the redneck.
_______
Dave dlt.gif
 
Subject: Mensa Thinkers


Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
    financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you  realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.
12. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit
you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:
1. coffee: the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted: appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. abdicate: to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade: to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly: impotent.
6. negligent: absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a 
nightgown.
7. lymph: to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle:olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. flatulence: emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash: a rapidly receding hairline.
11. testicle: a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude: the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. pokemon: a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster: a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. frisbeetarianism: the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto
the roof and gets stuck there.
16. circumvent: an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
 
Gunny Jones was assigned to the Marine induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Sergeant Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.


Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."


"Now," he concluded, "who do you think they are going to send to Iraq first?"
 
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs,and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. :lol:
 
Change:

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the 'Gunny' that they smelled bad.


The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear. The Gunny responded, 'Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately'.


He went into the tent and said, 'The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it'.


The moral:

A candidate may promise change in Washington but don't count on things smelling any better.
 
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to
get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al
and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.

So Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. However, knowing that
mushrooms are so expensive, she told her husband, 'No mushrooms -- they
cost too much.'

He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those
mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.'

She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'

He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.'

So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch -- washed, sliced,
and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a
double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't
seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success
and Janet even hired a lady from town to help her serve it. She had on a
white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished eating, they relaxed, socialized, and
started singing playing some music.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's
ear.

She said, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.'

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the
doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will
call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. I'll
give everyone enemas and I will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will
be fine.

'Just keep them calm..'

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the
road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes and a stomach
pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema,
and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor
came out and said, 'Done, everything will be fine now, and he left.'

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and
about this time, the helper lady came in and said,

'You know, I've been thinking...that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never
even stopped.'

Life Is Uncertain ........ Eat Dessert
 
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