Daily Laugh 2

That's a Lot of Knots, Even For a Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old time's sake.

He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

After a couple of minutes, he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."
 
Honey, Do You Remember What It Used to Be Like?

An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
 
The Topic of My First Sermon Is Important!

A young minister about to deliver his first sermon asked the advice of a retired minister on how to capture the congregation's attention.

"Start with an opening line that's certain to grab them," the cleric told him.

"For example: 'Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.'"

He smiled at the young minister's shocked look before adding, "She was my mother."

The next Sunday the young minister nervously clutched the pulpit rail before the congregation and stated, "Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman."

He was pleased with the instant reaction, then panic-stricken.

"But for the life of me, I can't remember who she was!"
 
Halloween Spirit


"Special Needs" Costume

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his
leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be
just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note,
which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Monk's costume. The long robe will cover
your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look
the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing
his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the
Company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
WE HAVE TRIED OUR VERY BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle
of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your
bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass
and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
 
A funeral near Beaufort, SC

Kind of a cool way to take a casket to the cemetery.

A funeral procession pulled into the cemetery near Beaufort, SC.

Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

A passer-by remarked: "That guy must have been a really avid fisherman.

Oh, very much so," responded one of the mourners.

"As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."
 
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few pieces left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
 
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Honey Got a Whole New Dress

A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy): "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

The coffin will be closed.
 
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.

"I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

Harvey
SleepyC:moon
 
A young New York City woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Hudson River. Just before she could throw herself from the bridge, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain said.

Her conscience got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
 
Classic Humor: Men vs. Women

MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE


This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender.

Why Men Are Just Happier People!

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache... You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!


NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.


EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.


MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337 A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 
I picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid he might be a serial killer?

I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.

I think he wet his pants.

Harvey
SleepyC:moon
 
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said,
'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down ...
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,

"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365,
'Shall We Gather at the River.'"
 
Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol

Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.


*This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.*


*What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?*


*Here's her story in her own words:*


"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in 'The Villages' with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive."


"If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!"


"Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible,
and his life insurance was a real big bonus!"
 
Hello?'

'Hi, honey.
This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
Right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, Knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy "That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway".'

'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
On and ran around screaming.

Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
And now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
And into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says,
'Swimming pool? .............

Is this 486-5731?'

No, I think you have the wrong number ....
 
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.' "
 
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