Wandering Sagebrush
Free Range Human
thataway":cnpwi2rp said:
I guess I am equally dense. Totally missed it
Daily Laugh 2
- Thread starter Captains Cat
- Start date
I guess I am equally dense. Totally missed it
:roll: 
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married. Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies,
"Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a Week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed, Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far.”
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is so adorable!
One day they decide that they want to get married. Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies,
"Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a Week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed, Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far.”
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is so adorable!
Also posted on the "For Motorcyclist" thread.
We all know "the wave" right? So just the other day, I was riding through town (Sequim, and for those of you not acquainted, we are a pretty slow moving, retirement community), and ahead of me about 4 car lengths is biker, long hair and big beard coming out from under a half helmet, a leather braid from the clutch side bar hanging nearly to the ground, and cut pipes with that big Harley rumble. At the light, 2 cars turned right, so I was now directly behind the Harley. The colors were obvious, the vest was well patched, this was a big bad tough guy.
Coming toward us, the only traffic is a Vespa ridden by a sweet looking, long white hair flowing in the 20 mph breeze, pink vest flying and half helmet wearing little granny. Yup, she gives him the "Wave". That surprised me, and I was a hundred feet back so it was definitely for him, and then, his left hand dropped, and a peace sign wave went back.
When she passed me, she had the biggest grin I have ever seen.
We waved too.
One should always enjoy life.
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
We all know "the wave" right? So just the other day, I was riding through town (Sequim, and for those of you not acquainted, we are a pretty slow moving, retirement community), and ahead of me about 4 car lengths is biker, long hair and big beard coming out from under a half helmet, a leather braid from the clutch side bar hanging nearly to the ground, and cut pipes with that big Harley rumble. At the light, 2 cars turned right, so I was now directly behind the Harley. The colors were obvious, the vest was well patched, this was a big bad tough guy.
Coming toward us, the only traffic is a Vespa ridden by a sweet looking, long white hair flowing in the 20 mph breeze, pink vest flying and half helmet wearing little granny. Yup, she gives him the "Wave". That surprised me, and I was a hundred feet back so it was definitely for him, and then, his left hand dropped, and a peace sign wave went back.
When she passed me, she had the biggest grin I have ever seen.
We waved too.
One should always enjoy life.
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
Harvey,
Having ridden for over 45 years now, we have owned a lot of bikes, including Harleys, BMWs, Goldwings, other Hondas, Yamahas, and a Triumph. Riding around on our Honda scoots, we have noticed that, area dependent, most bikers/motorcyclists wave. My favorites by far are the ones who start to wave, realize that we are on scooters, then pull back the wave!
I have had other bike riding folks ask me about "the wave": do you just wave at other bikes like yours, do you wave at the bad-ass looking bikers, do you not wave at all?
My answer is easy: I just wave at the pretty girls! 8)
Having ridden for over 45 years now, we have owned a lot of bikes, including Harleys, BMWs, Goldwings, other Hondas, Yamahas, and a Triumph. Riding around on our Honda scoots, we have noticed that, area dependent, most bikers/motorcyclists wave. My favorites by far are the ones who start to wave, realize that we are on scooters, then pull back the wave!
I have had other bike riding folks ask me about "the wave": do you just wave at other bikes like yours, do you wave at the bad-ass looking bikers, do you not wave at all?
My answer is easy: I just wave at the pretty girls! 8)
Jim, Some of those Bad A___ biker dudes might take issue with that if they find out you waved at them.
Personally, I wave at them all. 2 fingers pointing down at the line. "Two wheels down, keep em that way".
For me, that wave is like the comradeship of boaters on the dock. We are all equal. I know some guys who only wave to someone on a bike like theirs, but I find that rarely do I not get a wave back.
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
Personally, I wave at them all. 2 fingers pointing down at the line. "Two wheels down, keep em that way".
For me, that wave is like the comradeship of boaters on the dock. We are all equal. I know some guys who only wave to someone on a bike like theirs, but I find that rarely do I not get a wave back.
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
Robert H. Wilkinson
New member
Back in my 4 wheeling days Jeeps would blink their head lights at each other. It wasn't hard to spot them even at night with their close set headlights.
As for boater camaraderie I have seen some rude behavior at ramps. Yesterday(Labour Day) the ramp, parking lot and river were all a mad mess. Very windy to boot. Despite this everyone we met were very courteous and helpful. Waiting to get in a boater behind us walked up and asked politely which ramp we wanted to use. Coming in we were towing a boat that had broke down. 2 guys ran to the end of the dock to help us with lines to get the 2nd boat to the dock. Pulling out a guy jumped in the water and winched up our boat so I didn't have to get in the water.
Kind of restored my faith in humanity.
As for boater camaraderie I have seen some rude behavior at ramps. Yesterday(Labour Day) the ramp, parking lot and river were all a mad mess. Very windy to boot. Despite this everyone we met were very courteous and helpful. Waiting to get in a boater behind us walked up and asked politely which ramp we wanted to use. Coming in we were towing a boat that had broke down. 2 guys ran to the end of the dock to help us with lines to get the 2nd boat to the dock. Pulling out a guy jumped in the water and winched up our boat so I didn't have to get in the water.
Kind of restored my faith in humanity.
Subject: DOGS v WIVES.
Sixteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing .
9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.
11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.
13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.
14. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.
15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
And last, but not least:
16. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.
To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open the door and observe who's happy to see you!
Sixteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing .
9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.
11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.
13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.
14. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.
15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
And last, but not least:
16. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.
To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open the door and observe who's happy to see you!
With the Admiral's Full Permission
Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. A few days before the group’s annual departure date, John’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. John’s fishing buddies are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find John sitting there with his tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and drinking a cold beer.
“Heck John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked, “Guess who?”
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where she’d lit candles and put rose petals all over the place, looked like something out of a movie.
Well, she’s been reading 50 Shades of Grey or something. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, ‘Honey, you can do whatever you want.’
So, boys, here I am!
Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. A few days before the group’s annual departure date, John’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. John’s fishing buddies are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find John sitting there with his tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and drinking a cold beer.
“Heck John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked, “Guess who?”
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where she’d lit candles and put rose petals all over the place, looked like something out of a movie.
Well, she’s been reading 50 Shades of Grey or something. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, ‘Honey, you can do whatever you want.’
So, boys, here I am!
A very rich man took his wife to a fancy restaurant. A gorgeous woman walked up to their table, hugged him, gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him she would be waiting for him in her apartment.
Wife asks "who was THAT"?
He answers ''that's my mistress"!
She says very forcefully, "I Want A Divorce!!!"
Ok the husband says, but consider this. There will be more more Paris shopping sprees, no more wintering in Barbados, no more BMWs, no more gold Christmas presents from Tiffanys. Just something for you to consider.
Just then their mutual friend Jacob walks in. On his arm is beautiful supermodel. The wife asks "who's that with Jacob?"
That's his mistress.
Well, she's not as cute as ours!
Wife asks "who was THAT"?
He answers ''that's my mistress"!
She says very forcefully, "I Want A Divorce!!!"
Ok the husband says, but consider this. There will be more more Paris shopping sprees, no more wintering in Barbados, no more BMWs, no more gold Christmas presents from Tiffanys. Just something for you to consider.
Just then their mutual friend Jacob walks in. On his arm is beautiful supermodel. The wife asks "who's that with Jacob?"
That's his mistress.
Well, she's not as cute as ours!
A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The cowboy asked for a shot of whiskey, which was brought and placed before him.
Rather predictably, the minister looked upon the cowboy with scorn - he viewed alcohol as being the work of the devil.
Nevertheless, the flight attendant then asked him if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
The cowboy asked for a shot of whiskey, which was brought and placed before him.
Rather predictably, the minister looked upon the cowboy with scorn - he viewed alcohol as being the work of the devil.
Nevertheless, the flight attendant then asked him if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
More Texas Cowboys!
His name was Bubba, he was from Texas ... And he needed a loan, So...
He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into thebank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from Texas A & M, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
His name was BUBBA... Keep an eye on those Texas boys!
Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid !!!
His name was Bubba, he was from Texas ... And he needed a loan, So...
He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into thebank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from Texas A & M, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
His name was BUBBA... Keep an eye on those Texas boys!
Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid !!!
There a number I had heard before: (My apology to "The Blond"...) We have a good friend who is both blond and Polish..She used to have the best repertoire of both Blond and Polish jokes.
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said,
'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said,
'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
Pacificcoast101
Member
They Unionized...
An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $1000, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $800 and the girls get $200."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $1000, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $800 and the house gets $200."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat 50-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $1000, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $800 and the girls get $200."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $1000, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $800 and the house gets $200."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat 50-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the jerk's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BONUS RULE:
Congressmen should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors!
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the jerk's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BONUS RULE:
Congressmen should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors!
An 85-year-old C-Dory owner was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."