Daily Laugh

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An 86 year old man went to his doctor for his check up. The Dr. asked him
how he was feeling, and the old man said, "things are great! Never been
better! I now have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant with my child. So
what
do you think about that, Doc?"

The doctor considered this question for a moment, then began to tell a
story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter, and
never misses a season. One day, as he was setting off to go hunting, he
accidentally grabbed his cane instead of his rifle. As he neared the lake,
he came across a very large beaver sitting at the water's edge. He then
realized he'd left his rifle at home, and so he couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature. Out of habit, he raised his cane, aimed it at the
animal as if it were his rifle, and said 'Bang, bang!' Miraculously, two
shots rang out, and the creature fell over, dead. Now; what do you think
of
that?"

The 86 year old man thought for a moment, then said "Logic would strongly
suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The Doctor replied: "My point exactly."
 
Elec-tile Dysfunction:

The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.
 
Troops in Afghanistan still maintain a sense of humor, such as it is.

You Might Be Taliban if.....

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your a** with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You've never uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave
 
I hope the management doesn't find this too risque, it's making the rounds of the maritime shipping industry....
The names have been changed in a clumsy attempt to protect the identities of members.


The Day Mr. Male Part asked for a Raise

I, Mr. Male Part, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
M. Part

The Response:

Dear M. Part:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated
in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You do not always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
Ms Entrance Administrator
 
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the East River.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm Off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like,
I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes.
After all, what did she have to lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,"
she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii ,
and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".
 
Tools and their proper uses...


Someone sent this list to me and I thought it would be fun to see if I could think of anything to add to it. Do you have any favorites you'd to add?



DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the knuckles and causes you to knock your coffee cup across the bench, splattering coffee into those freshly cleaned cartridge cases you were loading.


WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou sheeeet...."


LARGE MAGNET: Used for removing small wires stuck in the front of your shirt after using "WIRE WHEEL".


TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and "WIRE WHEEL" wires too deeply embeded in your skin to remove with the "LARGE MAGNET".


BENCH GRINDER: See "WIRE WHEEL".


SAFETY GOOGLES: Usually found hanging by their strap from the "BENCH GRINDER". The strap now having stretched to where it has become useless for holding them on.


ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in fibre-glass until they double the diameter of the hole.


SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


CHANNEL-LOC PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads and open glue containers. Often used in the creation of blood-blisters. The tool most used in building an elevator.


VISE-GRIPS PLIERS: Generally used after Channel-Loc pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand, also create blood blisters.


BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of and raining soot everywhere.


WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.


TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


EIGHT-FOOT LONG FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.


E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool, ten times harder than any known drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.


TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.


CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.


HOLESAW: 3" or larger. Purchased at a rediculess price for that "One Time" project and thense forth religated to the back corner of an seldom opened drawer in the work bench.


TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. Its name is somewhat misleading, as it's more often dark than light and is often refered to as,"Dam! That's HOT".


PHILLIPS (CROSS POINT) SCREWDRIVER: Normally used for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans, splashing oil on your shirt, but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screws.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER TIPS: Normally used in a battery powered drill to over torque and "auger out" the head of a Phillips Screw.


STRAIGHT (SLOT) SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.


AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.


PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


WOOD CHISELS. Considered by some women to be the handiest tool in the shop (next to a screw driver) for digging out Dandillions.


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Often it's primarily use is causing large blood blisters on fingers, or making gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.


FILES: Abrasive metal tools used to sharpen things to a point at which you slip and cut yourself on them.


CARTON (BOX) KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, fingers and cutting hoses too short.


DAMMMMIT TOOL: Any tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMMMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need!
 
Just to add to this one: SAFETY GOOGLES: Usually found hanging by their strap from the "BENCH GRINDER". The strap now having stretched to where it has become useless for holding them on. You used to be able to see them but for some reaon, now you can't!! :roll:

BTY, it's SAFETY GOGGLES, not GOOGLES! :lol:

Charlie
 
The Man Codex 2008 edition

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only)

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports, sex, beer or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . but if you are feeling amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. The dress, with the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your ass look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like wandering around in the garage with a beer, wondering what to do.
 
Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Walmart Employee: "Hello Walmart Bakery, how can I help you?"

Customer: " I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week."

Walmart Employee: "What you want on the cake?"

Customer: "Best Wishes Suzanne" and underneath that "We will miss you".
BestWishes.jpg
 
How about the two C-BRATS that went to the lumber yard to get wood? Charlie went inside and said they needed some 6X2's. The guy told him that they didn't have those but they did have 2X6's. He said, "Just a minute, I'll go ask Sneaks."

Came back in a minute later and said "OK, we'll just turn them the other way and use them". Then the guy said, "how long do you want them?" He said "Just a minute, I'll go ask Sneaks".

Came back in again and said "We want them forever, we're gonna build a boat house for our C-Dory!" :shock:

Charlie
 
Two Pilots

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the
water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die.'
 
Years ago in Queen Charlotte Straits (near Malcolm Island B.C., inside passage) a boat caught fire calling a may day. In reality is was just smoke from an exhaust manifold burning off spilled oil but it had us all worried. It was before 10 am in mid summer and the daily morning fog hadn't lifted. The boat called out its position to Canadian coast guard while we all held 16 traffic to zed (zero for non socialists). There was a pause then BCCG called back to re-affirm his position. We all scrambled to our charts to fix his position while he called back the same co-ordinates. Silence over the radio. I plotted the obvious Loran co-ordinates to be way out in the middle of Vancouver Island (at times Loran would triangulate you at the the wrong cross if it only had 2 beacons active.) After one more call to relay his coordinates, a Finnish voice broke in saying " Whoull, by my cal-kul-a-shuns I spect you have a 2 inch draft and have run 4 miles inland on the heavy dew or you don't have the foggyest idea whuhre ya are. Turn your loran off and look for a local boat you fool.." Several people broke in with open mike laughter after he IDed a local troller next to him and confirmed the emergency wasn't as bad as he first thought. Shade of Bert and I on the Bluebird. True story, ask the Nancy H!! Whojigger on the Sea Mist
 
Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:



I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.



A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"



I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.



A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."



I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."



Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."



A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!



A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.



I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."



A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.. She said, "Yeah, whatever."



A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."



A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
 
The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers!).

However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England . In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland . Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of water.

GO NAVY!!!
 
Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall...
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women
 
Captains Cat":35tguen5 said:
The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides),
...
Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England . In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

...
The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of water.

GO NAVY!!!
Click to expand...

Nice Story - but appears to have no basis in fact. Actually at that time we were fighting the French.

1798: July 22 - Underway and out to sea for the first time, commanded by Capt. Samuel Nicholson.
1798-1801: She cruises in the West Indies, during the "Quasi-War" with France, protecting U.S. merchant shipping from French privateers. USS CONSTITUTION is not engaged in battle with any warship, but captures/recaptures several privateers and victims of privateers.

Cheers,
Tom
 
tom&shan":1v305t7o said:
Captains Cat":1v305t7o said:
The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides),
...
Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England . In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

...
The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of water.

GO NAVY!!!
Click to expand...

Nice Story - but appears to have no basis in fact. Actually at that time we were fighting the French.

1798: July 22 - Underway and out to sea for the first time, commanded by Capt. Samuel Nicholson.
1798-1801: She cruises in the West Indies, during the "Quasi-War" with France, protecting U.S. merchant shipping from French privateers. USS CONSTITUTION is not engaged in battle with any warship, but captures/recaptures several privateers and victims of privateers.

Cheers,
Tom
Click to expand...

Guess you've never heard a "Sea Story" before Tom....We got lots of 'em! :lol: :lol:

We don't write history, just retell it. Sometimes right, sometimes not! :disgust

A "Sea Story" is a good story! :thup

Spent 32 of my years with the USN, sounded pretty accurate to me! :D
 
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