Daily Laugh

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If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now
be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00
left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would
have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
 
canada.jpg


The C-Dory's on a beer run.... :beer :beer [/url]
 
That one's great sneaks. I don't know where you got that picture of my buddies but the ice floe was a lot bigger when I left to get the beer! :lol:
Ron
 
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning
till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about
something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with
his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat
his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag,
nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with
both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on
the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would
listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old
farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old
farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but
always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said:
"Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife
looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And
what about the men?" the minister asked. "They all wanted to know if the
mule was for sale.
 
Brent – so often you can tell where a joke is going and somewhat anticipate the punch line. Your last one caught me off guard. A good one.
________
Dave dlt.gif
 
Hey, come on Brent. My 10 and 13 year old girls read this stuff. I do not like deleting stuff, but the last one was much too much.
 
The highway patrolman noticed a car going just 22 MPH. He pulled the car over and noticed there were five old ladies inside, eyes wide, and white as ghosts. The officer explained that driving too slowly can be dangerous.

"But officer," said the driver proudly. "I was doing the speed limit exactly, 22 MPH." The officer explained that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit and asked if they were all OK.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer," the driver said. "We just got off Route 119!"
 
For my shirt tail niece:

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any
specials today?"
Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of Fact we have a new drink,
invented by A gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue
Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."


The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"


The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."
 
I hope this does not cross line.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO.

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up Next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.

It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going

faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirrors".
 
TICK WARNING!!!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and
I've even done it myself a couple times, but this one is important.
Please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are
checking for ticks due to the warming weather
and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms
up...

DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM!!

They only want to see you naked...



I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid!
 
STRESS
A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked "How heavy is this glass of water?"
Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."
So, my friend, Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.
Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply be kind to others.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
 
Dear Abby:

>My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
>beginning,
>and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone
>knows
>that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job
>five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day
>is
>
>smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to
>work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't
>even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should
>I
>do?
>
>Signed,
>Clueless
>
>
>Dear Clueless:
>Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don' t need him anymore.
>You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.
 
A burglar broke into a house one night. He pointed his flashlight around, looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying,
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his
head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that"? He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you"?
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses"? the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses"?

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler, Jesus". :wink
 
SOUTHERN GRANDMA


Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question
if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a
Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the
stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do
you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know
you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a
young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know
you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do
you know the defense attorney?" She again replied,
"Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst
in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your
wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked
both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her
if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."
 
An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
 
Oh by the way, for the Brats who are divers, I found this warning on the web:


Never




ever



EVER



wetsuit.jpg


fart in a wet suit! :shock:
 
Great chuckles, guys. Being an American, with Scot and Canadian grandparents, we really enjoyed that one -- oh, and also being SCUBA certified, we're still tears in our eyes over that photo.
 
Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
 
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