Daily Laugh

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In my next life I want to be a Chief with lots of gold hashmarks. In the meantime this is for all my heroes who made it.

The Chief was bragging to the Ensign one day. "You know, I know
everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know
them."

Tired of his boasting, the Ensign called his bluff, "Okay,
Chief, how about Tom Cruise"? "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old
friends and I can prove it."

So they fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and
sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Chief ! Great to see You! You
and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, the Ensign is still skeptical. After they
leave Cruise's house, he tells the Chief that he thinks his
knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," the Chief says. "President
Bush," the Ensign quickly retorts. Yep" , I know him, let's fly
out to Washington."

So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots them on the tour
and motions them over, saying, "Chief, what a surprise. I was
just on my way to a meeting, but you and that Ensign come on in
and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the Ensign is very shaken by now, but still not totally
convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his
doubts to the Chief, who again implores him to name anyone else.

The new Pope," the Ensign replies. "Sure, I've known the Pope a
long time." So, off they fly to Rome.

They're assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when the
Chief says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye
among all these people. Tell you u what, I know all the guards,
so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with
the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.

Sure enough, half an hour later, the Chief emerges with the Pope
on the balcony. But by the time he returns, he finds that the
Ensign has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his side, the Chief asks him, "What
happened"?

The Ensign looks up and says, "I was doing fine until
you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the tourist next to
me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Chief"?
 
Your basic radical Islamic terrorist anticipating the 72 virgins, blew himself up and, on awakening in paradise quickly looked for the virgins. There they were, standing in a row eagerly awaiting him but...they were not quite what he expected... for there stood Sister Mary Agnes, ruler in hand, and beside her another 71 nuns with shotguns. :) :)
 
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A few days later:

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"
 
A rabbi, a priest, a horse and a piece of string walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says "What, is this some kinda joke?"
 
This older guy loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then provide you with the most romantic evening of your life."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me, and I'll give you an evening you'll never forget."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
 
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this of greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What kind of nasty disease do you think I’d get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex.".
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A man is at work one day when he notices

that his co-worker is wearing an earring.



This man knows his co-worker

to be a normally conservative fellow,

and is curious about his sudden change in

'fashion sense.'



The man walks up to him and says,

"I didn't know you were into earrings."



"Don't make such a big deal,

it's only an earring,"

he replies sheepishly.



His friend falls silent for a few minutes,

but then his curiosity prods him to say,

"So, how long have you been wearing one?"



"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."





I always wondered how this trend got started.
 
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale ." The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So,
what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ...the United States Marines ... you know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs". In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you! selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.


He was in the Navy!"

:lol: :lol:
 
I can't help but want to pass on to you this treasury of Wisdom and Wonder of Sailing, Boats, and The Sea!

Our San Francisco Bay Publication, Latitude 38, has a collection of quotations and wisdom that is surpassed by few.

I suggest you sample it and bookmark it for times when you need a laugh and some refreshing of the soul:

Latitude 38 Wisdom

Joe.
 
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to
> take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,
> or
> changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this
> year's
> {2005} winners:
> 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
> subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
> 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
> 3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
> you realize it was your money to start with.
> 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
> 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
> bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
> little sign of breaking down in the near future.
> 6.Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
> getting laid.
> 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
> 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
> person who doesn't get it.
> 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
> late.
> 10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
> 11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
> 12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
> really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
> like, a serious bummer dude.
> 13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
> consuming only things that are good for you.
> 14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
> 15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
> they come at you rapidly.
> 16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
> you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
> 17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
> your bedroom at three in the morn ing and cannot be cast out.
> 18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
> the fruit you're eating.
>
 
A Doctor was addressing a large audience at a conference.
>
> "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
> sitting here, years ago.
> Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food
> is loaded with monosodium glutamate.
> High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term
> harm caused by the germs in
> our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
> all and we all have, or will, eat it.
> Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
> suffering for years after eating it?"
>
> After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
> his hand, and softly said,
>
> "Wedding Cake."
 
>
> > >>>The Sunday school teacher was carefully
> > explaining the story of Elijah
> > >>>the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.
> > She explained how Elijah
> > >>>built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the
> > steer in pieces, and laid it
> > >>>upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded
> > the people of God to fill
> > >>>four barrels of water and pour it over the
> > altar. He had them do this
> > >>>four times "Now, said the teacher, "can
> > anyone in the class tell me why
> > >>>the Lord would have Elijah pour water over
> > the steer on the altar?"
> > >>>
> > >>>A little girl in the back of the room
> > started waving her hand, "I know!
> > >>>I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>LOT'S WIFE
> > >>>
> > >>>The Sunday School teacher was describing how
> > Lot's wife looked back and
> > >>>turned into a pillar of salt, when little
> > Jason interrupted, "My Mummy
> > >>>looked back once, while she was driving," he
> > announced triumphantly,
> > >>>"and she turned into a telephone pole!"
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>GOOD SAMARITAN
> > >>>
> > >>>A Sunday school teacher was telling her
> > class the story of the Good
> > >>>Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed
> > and left for dead. She
> > >>>described the situation in vivid detail so
> > her students would catch the
> > >>>drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you
> > saw a person lying on the
> > >>>roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what
> > would you do?"
> > >>>
> > >>>A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed
> > silence, "I think I'd throw
> > >>>up."
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>DID NOAH FISH?
> > >>>
> > >>>A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do
> > you think Noah did a lot of
> > >>>fishing when he was on the Ark?"
> > >>>
> > >>>"No," replied David. "How could he, with
> > just two worms?"
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>HIGHER POWER
> > >>>
> > >>>A Sunday school teacher said to her
> > children, " We have been learning
> > >>>how powerful kings and queens were in Bible
> > times. But, there is a
> > >>>higher power. Can anybody tell me what it
> > is?"
> > >>>
> > >>>One child blurted out, "Aces!"
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>MOSES &THE RED SEA
> > >>>
> > >>>Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother
> > what he had learned in
> > >>>Sunday school.
> > >>>
> > >>>"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent
> > Moses behind enemy lines
> > >>>on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites
> > out of Egypt. When he got to
> > >>>the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon
> > bridge and all the people
> > >>>walked across safely.
> > >>>Then, he radioed headquarters for
> > reinforcements. They sent bombers to
> > >>blow
> > >>>up the bridge and all the Israelites were
> > saved."
> > >>>
> > >>>"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher
> > taught you?" his mother
> > >>>asked.
> > >>>
> > >>>"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way
> > the teacher did, you'd never
> > >>>believe it!"
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
> > >>>
> > >>>A Sunday School teacher decided to have her
> > young class memorize one of
> > >>>the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm
> > 23. She gave the
> > >>>youngsters a month to learn the verse.
> > Little Rick was excited about
> > >>>the task -- but, he just couldn't
> > >>>remember the Psalm. After much practice, he
> > could barely get past the
> > >>first
> > >>
> > >>>line.
> > >>>On the day that the kids were scheduled to
> > recite Psalm 23 in front of
> > >>>the
> > >>>congregation, Rickey was so nervous.
> > >>>
> > >>>When it was his turn, he stepped up to the
> > microphone and said proudly,
> > >>>"The
> > >>>Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need
> > to know."
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>Church Smiles
> > >>>
> > >>>There was a very gracious lady who was
> > mailing an old family Bible to
> > >>>her
> > >>>brother in another part of the country.
> > >>>"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked
> > the postal clerk.
> > >>>"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the
> > lady.
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>"Somebody has well said there are only two
> > kinds of people in the
> > >>>world. There are those who wake up in the
> > morning and say, "Good
> > >>>morning,Lord," and there are those who wake
> > up in the morning and say,
> > >>>"Good Lord, it's morning." There is the
> > story of a pastor who got up
> > >>>one Sunday and announced to his
> > >>>congregation: "I have good news and bad
> > news. The good news is, we have
> > >>>enough money to pay for our new building
> > program. The bad news is, it's
> > >>>still out there in your pockets."
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>While driving in Pennsylvania , a family
> > caught up to an Amish
> > >>>carriage.
> > >>>The owner of the carriage obviously had a
> > sense of humor, because
> > >>attached
> > >>>to the back of the carriage was a hand
> > printed sign... "Energy
> > >>efficient
> > >>
> > >>>vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
> > >>>Caution: Do not step in exhaust
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very
> > young daughter what the
> > >>>lesson
> > >>>was about.
> > >>>
> > >>>The daughter answered, "Don't be scared,
> > you'll get your quilt."
> > >>>
> > >>>Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.
> > Later in the day, the pastor
> > >>>stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him
> > what that morning's Sunday
> > >>school
> > >>>lesson was about.
> > >>>
> > >>>He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is
> > coming."
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>Give me a sense of humor, Lord!
>
>


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New home for Mom, no cleanup required. All starts here.
 
An Honest Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. He says, "There's no charge."

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.



"So I switched the heads"
-
________
Dave dlt.gif
 
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around
when she hollers out....
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse,
looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin
wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see
what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,
looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole,
then starts yelling, "Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?
 
"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But
let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I
was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I
was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was
Mexican? Would you? Would you?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I
was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
"Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I
asked for Polish sausage?"



The clerk replies, "Because you're in Home Depot."
 
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