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Humans originally existed as members of small bands of
nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the
mountains during the summer and would go to the coast
and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were
the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These
were the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of
humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and
2. .

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that
was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass
bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while
our early humans were sitting around waiting for them
to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals
to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This
was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative
movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting
learned to live off the conservatives by showing up
for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing,
fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning
of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into
women.
The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,
group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to
decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by
the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the
elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.
They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.
Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of
their women have higher testosterone levels than their
men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make
the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer They eat red meat
and still provide for their women. Conservatives are
big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and
generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
govern the producers and decide what to do with the
production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That
is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when
conservatives were coming to America They crept in
after the Wild West was tamed and created a business
of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should
be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A
Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be
forwarded immediately to other true believers and to
more liberals just to piss them off.
 
A proud liberal here -

"Liberals produce little or nothing. "

Thanks for the above bits of "wisdom" - I also greatly appreciate the 16 year old bathroom humor that has been contributed to this thread.

:roll:
 
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 
rogerbum":3hfhuh8r said:
A proud liberal here -

"Liberals produce little or nothing. "

Thanks for the above bits of "wisdom" - I also greatly appreciate the 16 year old bathroom humor that has been contributed to this thread.

:roll:
Click to expand...

Thanks Roger, another "little or nothing". Brent, great story, but I can't remember what to do with much of anything these days. Just had a 26Ft sailboat given to me today, needs just the balsa cored cabin top repaired and it'll be good to go. Nissan OB, VHF, some other electronics and all included. Can't believe it. will move it to our shed and get busy on repairs this summer, pix to follow. All I gotta do is teach this guy to sail and let him use the boat periodically.... :shock: Hope he's not a liberal.....I think he's a lawyer, may be worse... (Sorry Pat)..
 
Hey Brent- You certainly posted to the right thread, at least until we get one entitled "Pure Unadulterated Bulls....". :peace:
 
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and

>very proud of it.

>Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring

>to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went

>to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal

>clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she

>informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription

>engraved on her tombstone:

>

>"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

>Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

>A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went

>to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became

>quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too

>small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard

>about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering

>the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

>For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience

>as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was

>the appropriate solution to the problem.

>

>The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and

>it reads as follows:

>

>

> "RETURNED UNOPENED "
 
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Minot,
North Dakota after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the
bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with
the officer quietly observing.


After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on
five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall
into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons
left the bar and drove off.


Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it
was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a
couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little
and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other
patrons' vehicles left.


At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now
started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled
the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that
the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to
accompany me to the police station.

"This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck.
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
 
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a
classroom. The teacher was going to explain
evolution to the children. The teacher asked
a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree
outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass
outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see
if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes
later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God up there?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see
God because he isn't there. Possibly he just
doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the
boy some questions.

The teacher agreed and the little girl asked
the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree
outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass
outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the
teacher?

TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we
were taught today in school, she possibly
may not even have one!
 
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.


It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as...

PINO MORE


I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
 
60 above zero:
Texans turn on the heat. Alaskans plant gardens.

50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Fairbanks sunbathe.

40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start. People in Alaska drive with the
windows down.

32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes. The water in Anchorage gets thicker.

20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in
Alaska throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Alaska have the
last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero:
People in Miami all die. People in Alaska close the windows.

10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Alaska get out their winter
coats.

25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Alaska are selling cookies
door to door.

40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air. People in Alaska let the dogs sleep
indoors.

100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Alaskan drivers get upset because
they can't start the mini-van.

460 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.) People in
Alaska start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero:
Hell freezes over. Alaska public schools will open 2 hours late.
 
Golf
>
> In my hand I hold a ball....white and dimpled, rather small....
> Oh , how bland it does appear....this harmless looking little sphere....
> By its size I could not guess....the awesome strength it does possess....
> But since I fell beneath its spell....I've wandered through the fires of hell....
> My life has not been quite the same...Since I chose to play this stupid game...
> It rules my mind for hours on end...A fortune it has made me spend....
>
> It has made me swear and yell and cry....I hate myself and want to die....
> It promises a thing called par.... If I can hit straight and far...
> To master such a tiny ball.... should not be very hard at all ..
> But my desires the ball refuses.....and does exactly like it chooses....
> It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies....and even disappears before my eyes....
> Often it will take a whim....to hit a tree or take a swim...
> With miles of grass on which to land....it finds a tiny patch of sand....
> Then has me offering up my soul....if only it would find the hole....
> It's made me whimper like a pup.... and swear that I will give it up....
> And take a drink to ease my sorrow.... but the ball knows..... I'll be back tomorrow
 
DEFINITION

Following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling
for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term: Political Correctness.

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical,
liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream
media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to
pick up a turd by the clean end."
 
Subject: FW: Political Correctness Update
>>
>>
>>
>> Due to the climate of political correctness now
>> pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West
>> Virginians will no longer be referred to as
>> "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as
>> APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
>>
>> And furthermore
>>
>> HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
>>
>> 1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
>> "BREASTED AMERICAN."
>>
>> 2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY
>> ACCESSIBLE."
>>
>> 3. She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED
>> DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
>>
>> 4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
>> "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
>>
>> 5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY
>> REPETITIVE."
>>
>> 6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST
>> PROVIDER."
>>
>>
>> HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
>>
>> 1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a
>> "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
>>
>> 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY
>> CAUCASIAN."
>>
>> 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He
>> "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
>>
>> 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE
>> REGRESSION."
>>
>> 5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a
>> case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
>>
>> 6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pan
>> ts - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
>>
>>
>>
 
Fishtales":14lel30a said:
This year's term: Political Correctness.

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a
liberal minority "
Click to expand...

Liberal minority ? Where you been? and as for the 'turd' part, believe me, we know BS when we smell it :peace:
 
A Blonde Visits Florida

A blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP ! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
 
This has to be one of the best singles ads. It was listed in the Atlanta Journal.


SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....










Please scroll all the way down

























BlackLabpupBigFramed.jpg






Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society




*
 
C-Brats, hope these aren't too old. Checked back a few pages and didn't see them:

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96,
live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts
her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or
out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't
know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I
going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the
kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and
says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then
yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the
door."

_______________________________________________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red
light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next
intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So,
she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just
ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
________________________________________________________________________

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

_______________________________________________________________________

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and
down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem
of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a
wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

_______________________________________________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down
the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car
going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
 
I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.


They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
===================

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

They Walk Among Us!
====================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!
====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us!
====================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
====================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!
====================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

They Walk Among Us!
====================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
 
Never Mess With an Old Cowboy

A young, well-educated man on a business trip gets on the
plane to find himself seated next to an older, weathered man
in a western snap shirt, faded jeans and a cowboy hat.

Thinking himself above the old cowboy,
the young man decides to make sport of him.

"You know," he says, "I've heard these flights go much more
quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.
So, let's talk."

The cowboy looks at him wryly and says, "Well I s'pose
that'd be all right. What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know, "says the young man with
a hint of sarcasm, "How about nuclear proliferation?"

"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing the young man's
attempt to belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic!
But, let me ask you a question first.

Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff-- grass.
Yet, a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop.
Why do you suppose that is?"

Dumbfounded, the young man replies,
"I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me then," says the cowboy with a smile,
"How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear
proliferation
when you don't know shit?"
 
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