Daily Laugh

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48% Dixie... don't tell my Texas buddies!!! I was born in the exotic land of I-owe-wah. Spent much of my mis-spent youth in Texas. Way too much time in the frozen northland, and now back where we belong in the Tropical Tip of Texas. Around here, it isn't that Texas drawl... it's more Spanglish. I'm somewhat quad-lingual, if you count swearing and BS as languages. :wink

Fun test. And the funeral story was a real hoot! :lol:

Best wishes,
Jim B.
 
I figured I might as well take the test and see where I fit in. I got a 50%. Does that mean I am a half breed.?

I was born in Houston,Texas and for the first third of my life, I never lived in one spot for more than 3 years. Starting the second third of my life in 74, I kind of took root here in Rochester. I haven’t decided where I will spend the third third of my life. Kind of thought I would spend it here also but the more I read about you people and your adventures, I think maybe I will spend a large part of it on the water, exploring a small part of the world. I have a little over a year until the final third starts, so lots of time to dream and plan.
I might even go for a fourth third, but it will take some advanced planning to get through a fourth third.
 
Here's yet another test.

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard
University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do
it!


1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3 This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8 This is person cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat


Now go back and read the third word in each line from
The top down and I betcha you can't resist passing it
On.
 
Since I live in Florida, I thought I would take the test. I scored 8%. However I was raised in northeasrern Ohio and lived 35 years in Albuquerque.
 
I came out 30% Dixie.
I was born and raised in BC Canada--yeah Canadians are first cousins to Yankees and second cousins to Dixie's. The connection to the south is British, which were the landed gentry and business men in the south (earliy 1700 hundreds) as you know.
The Can/US border entry point at Douglas,BC/Blaine Washington is in a small Peace Arch Park. One foot of the Arch is in Canada and the other is in the USA.
The American side of the Arch is inscribed with the words
"Children of a Common Mother;" the Canadian side, with the words "Brethren Dwelling together in Unity." Within the portal of the Arch on the west side are the words "1814 Open One Hundred Years 1914" and on the east side, "May These Gates Never Be Closed."

Old Blue
 
Born and raised in So Cal. Born in Burbank, moved steadily West ever since, made it about 30 miles so far, next stop, the OCEAN!

I scored "45% Dixie. Barely in Yankeedom." Interesting test.
 
Engineers:

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a marine chart the wrong way.

:mrgreen:
 
ONE DAY AT THE DENTIST'S OFFICE

I was sitting in the waiting room for my appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS name tag, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then??

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm. . .or could he???

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-blanket asked, "What did you teach?"
 
Wish I could take credit for this, read it in Sea magazine the other day.

"A boat is never completely fixed, it's just temporarily not broken."
 
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to
me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else
to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more
important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time
and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as
well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
 
Shoulda' bought her a riding mower with a sweeper attachment and a hitch to tow the boat around the yard!

Now you can do the same AFTER you get the medical bills paid off!

That is, IF you ever get them paid off.
 
A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic
dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and
dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone
began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain
and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was
called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring


... which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning
 
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
 
TOP 8 MORONS

1 WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart".. "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun... Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8.. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they put into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

-----
 
A NEW PAIR OF SHOES

Jo wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes but was reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, being the determined gal we all know, she said, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

So, Jo and Sylvia headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulled over to the side of the levee where he spotted that same Jo standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. A huge 9-foot gator is swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she took aim, killed the creature and hauled it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood there, watching in silent amazement.

Then, Jo flipped the gator onto its back with Sylvia's help, rolled her eyes heaven ward and screamed in great frustration? DAMN. THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"
 
Two good old boys are sittin' in a C-Dory on the Columbia fishing and suckin' down beers when all of a sudden Tim says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

Mike sips his beer and says, "You better think it over; women like that are hard to find."
 
I'm sure all you US navy guys have read this one, but it still gives me a chuckle, supposedly this actually took place...
Jimbo

Stn 1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to north to avoid a collision.
Stn 2: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south
to avoid a collision.
Stn 1: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your
course.
Stn 2: No, I say again, you divert your course.
Stn 1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE
WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!!
Stn 2: This is the Puget Sound lighthouse. It's your call, Enterprise
 
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