Daily Laugh

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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine
restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and were holding hands
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but
the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out
of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it
might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by
saying to the man "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the
table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked
in."
 
Money for the Dead!

An old miser, due to his terrible cheapness, had no friends nor family. Just before he died he called his doctor, his lawyer and a minister to come see him. They complied, and gathered together around his bed.

"I always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 cash hidden underneath my mattress. It's in 3 envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each one of you to grab one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on my grave, you throw the envelopes in."

Weeks later, the three attended the funeral, and true to their word, each threw in their envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel so good about this, I am going to confess, I deperately needed $10,000 for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."

The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000." He looked ashamed.

The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and ashamed of both of you. I don't see how you could in good conscience hold on to that money. I threw in a personal check for the entire amount."
 
So a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were talking in a Toronto
bar one day.

"As good as this pub is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs
back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called MacTavish's on
Sauchiehall Street. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.
When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Michael, the Englishman, "At my local in
London, the Old Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink
after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy , the Irishman. "Back home in me
favourite pub in Donegal, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll
buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.

Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see
dat you get laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were
suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Well,
not meself personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen
to me sister quite a few times."
 
One Little Dot...

A class was given a homework assignment to find out something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little
boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class. He
picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard
and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a 'period'," he replied.

"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a 'period'?"

"Darned if I know," said the boy,

"but yesterday my sister was missing one,

Mom fainted,

Dad had a heart attack

and the boy next door joined the Navy."
 
good one, Joe

Bad day

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.

The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprights the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

This story redefines what it is to have a bad day.
 
People frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a Rush Limbaugh bumper sticker.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

(Apologies in advance to law enforcement)
 
More Tales from the LEO File:

Get Out Of The Car!

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat.

They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!
 
University Courses for Men and Women


Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.



Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue


1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You Too Can Do Housework

3. Resistance to Beer

4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas

6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")

9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook

10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You, The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons To Give Flowers

15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb

16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please

17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat

18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies

19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost

20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency

21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes

22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too

23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous

24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home

27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary

28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche


Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue


Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag

2. You Can Change The Oil Too

4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas

6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right

13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

14. You, The Whining Sex

15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

17. How To Close The Garage Door

18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation

19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank

21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack

27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving

30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
 
The Blond Detective Exam

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"



The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "Thisis your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"
 
The Proud Fathers...

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, married, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, married, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, married, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."


The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is a bachelor, gay and he go-go dances in a club." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio!"
 
Mother's Driver's License

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy", the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother replied. "It's not polite."


"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really", the mother says, "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her", the little girl says to her friend.
"Well,' says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
"I know how old you are. You are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 130 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in Heaven's name did you find that out??"


"And" the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you
and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks, "Why is that??"

"Because you got an F in sex."
 
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
 
BrentB":1qg4t896 said:
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
Click to expand...

Technology has changed everything, and continues to do so:

Today it's possible to hide your secrets (memory) inside black-box sold state chip units.

A few years ago, if you had a 3-1/4 " floppy disc, you just kept quiet, and hoped nobody else found out about it.

Joe. :teeth :thup
 
Why Silicone?

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."
The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?"
"Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
 
Tired of all the lawyer bashing? Let's turn our attention to engineers!


Ask the Engineer

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
[dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
 
Meanwhile, back to lawyers:

The Priest and the Lawyer

A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by. One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road. In jest, and thinking to frighten the priest and get a lugh, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, and swerved at the last minute. But suddenly he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field. He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer!"
And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."
 
Today's History Lesson:

The Key

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yells - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
 
Just one more shot at the legal eagles:

My Dad's a Lawyer.

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest??" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind." replied Adam.
 
Even the blind are not too sacrosanct to be among the target list:

A Keen Sense of Smell...

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
 
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