Daily Laugh

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Do you suppose it was a 22 Angler or a Cruiser that the second suspect was hiding in? Even more important, did it have twins or a single and a kicker? :mrgreen:

What a great place to hide, porta potti and all!

All kidding aside, glad he's off the street, or at least out of the boat!

Charlie
 
rogerbum":iabxbbxi said:
Dreamer":iabxbbxi said:
Hope the boat's OK!
Click to expand...
I thought the same thing. Of course, we all hope and pray for the injured and wounded citizens and police officers.
Click to expand...

Without question Roger! :thup

A new question to ask our LE members... What would a FlashBang do to a Cdory or any other boat for that matter!?

Charlie
 
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where
you have plenty of room at each side.


With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides and hold them
there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute,
and then relax.


Each day you'll find that you can hold this position
for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move
up to 10-lb potato bags.


Then try 50-lb potato bags and eventually try
to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in
each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute. (I'm at this level).


After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
[/i]
 
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

More laughs:

"Big Ol Johnson" by John Reno
 
I know that I have to retell a joke at least 3X in the first 24 hours after I first hear/read it. No way could I do this one even once! LOL!
 
Need today’s laugh? Here's one-!


A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modelling naked return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral is on Thursday at Noon.

The coffin will be closed.
 
Missing Wife Found by Maryland State Troopers:

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Chester man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maryland State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Crab Alley Bay ."

"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 bushels of the best looking Maryland Blue Crabs that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized Rockfish clinging to her, haven't seen crabs like that since the 1960's one trooper stated, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
 
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. < /P>

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
 
Shopping at Costco today. As I was going through the checkout, and the assistant was emptying my cart, he got down to the last two items. Two cases of the old original vegetable juice, V-8. He turned to the checker and said, “This guys got the fastest cart in the store.” To which she said “Huh?”. His answer, “It has to be, it has twin V-8’s”

He didn’t really get why I thought it was that funny. He didn’t know about my boat.

Harvey
SleepyC:moon
 
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
 
hardee":54372zrq said:
Shopping at Costco today. As I was going through the checkout, and the assistant was emptying my cart, he got down to the last two items. Two cases of the old original vegetable juice, V-8. He turned to the checker and said, “This guys got the fastest cart in the store.” To which she said “Huh?”. His answer, “It has to be, it has twin V-8’s”

He didn’t really get why I thought it was that funny. He didn’t know about my boat.

Harvey
SleepyC:moon
Click to expand...

haha that's funny right there.
 
So, Lizzie, age 10, does not like to ride in our beloved 20 year old Volvo because, I think, the doors are too hard for her to open. Anyway, when we are leaving today I told her we are taking the Volvo because the Ford is blocked in by the boat. So she says the following

"You know Granpa, when you die and I inherit the Volvo I'm going to sell it. With the 50 cents I get for it I'm going to buy a yogurt."
 
Lizzie will be a very dangerous woman for some poor shmuck to marry some day. My kind of girl. Don't you just love the intelligence of those grand daughters?
 
(Hope this isn't a repeat.)


A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

The boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job, saying "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

The kid’s first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his scolding, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says “$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing......…'"


Joe. :teeth :thup
 
A guys wife comes to bed all dressed up in a police uniform. She informs him she is taking him into custody and handcuffs him to the bed. He decides to play along and politely asks her "what are the charges"?

You are being charged with- "being good in bed" she declares.

.......... After a few minutes she releases him and declares that the charges are being dropped due to - "Lack of Evidence"!!! :lol:
 
(This one made my day!) Joe.


Exquisite British Humour


The train was quite crowded and, a Canadian Special Forces Soldier walked the
entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Soldier asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in
particular. 'Canadians are so rude. My little Fifi is using
that seat.'

The Soldier walked the entire train again, but the only seat
left was under that dog.

'Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Canadians rude, you are also
arrogant!'

This time the Soldier didn't say a word; he just picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This
Canadian should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you
Canadians seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on
the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have
thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'.
 
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