Daily Laugh

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Thought you'd enjoy this!

It's one you want your Children and Grandchildren to read.
They won't believe this happened, but it DID.

Harry & Bess
(This seems unreal.)

Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many,
or more important decisions regarding our nation's history as any of the
other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness
may rest on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was
in Independence Missouri . His wife had inherited the house from her
mother and father and other than their years in the White House, they
lived their entire lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension
reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was
paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an
'allowance' and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year.

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to
Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating,
"You don't want me. You want the office of the President, and that
doesn't belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's not for
sale."

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the
Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, "I
don't consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for
any award, Congressional or otherwise."

As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the
Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have
found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their
offices. Political offices are now for sale.

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, "My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!

I say dig him up and clone him!
 
Drafting Guys Over 60


This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier...
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to
track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to
join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take
us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit
until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 secondsOld guys only think about
sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a
cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't
sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe
letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it
will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys
always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I
said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may
as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where
we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting
screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also
developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them
for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the
screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've
been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope
hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after
completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've
never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still
learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little
more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The
last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know
that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!
You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on
border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
 
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription .
 
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband was snoring very loudly and every night ! So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband" said the doctor, "but it is really rather expensive. It will cost you $10,000 down, and payments of $1000 for 36 months, plus payments for extras of course.

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "that sounds like I'm buying a yacht!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
 
This is for all of my Brat Friends that qualify!!

To help save the economy, the Government will announce
next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting
seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security
and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember
how to get back home.
I started to cry when I thought of you.
Then it dawned on me ... oh, shoot ...
I'll see you on the bus!
 
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN


To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
 
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
 
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra -high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ....

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full- color , 150-page report on his hi - tech , miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

" Wow ! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.
 
HOW TO START A FIGHT


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started…


________________________________________



One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to fool around?'

'No,' she answered.. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to over 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________
 
My g-daughter is six. At T-giving she asks me "Papa, what did the donkey say while watching a football game?" I give up. She says "SEEEEA HAAAAAAWKS".

Apparently she made it up. :lol:
 
I guess I'm having an Old-Life crisis... Just turned 70 and have started all sorts of trouble. Not that I didn't before, it's just gotten worse. Sally says (Snopes won't verify that and neither will she, so don't check with either one, that's part of the trouble I've started) that if I'd gotten my crisis in my Mid-Life, she'd just have told me I wasn't wired for 220. (Two Twenty Year Olds... :love :hug2 :hug2 ) but now that I'm in my old age, I'm only wired for 169 (one Sexty Nine year old) :love :hug2

Damn, we don't have a small emoticon for love... :roll: I got small things, why not the emoticon library...And spell check told me I spelled Sixty wrong... :disgust

Not only that, I had to edit this sex times to make sure I speled everything rite... I'm feeling funny tonight, must be the mediation for old age... :mrgreen:

And no, it's early, I'm not into the good Scotch yet...

Mike/Bill: If you plan to delete this as improper, please send to me by email, I'll never remember it to put it on FaceBook for all my friends... :shock: (inclulding you two, so you can't escape if you do that, guess I'd better print into the cloud, wherever that is)
 
That wasn't improper Charlie. It fit perfectly in The Daily Laugh!

Happy Birthday! I know it's a couple days late but sometimes it's better to put 'em off!
 
JamesTXSD":b4rvx7ky said:
I think you spelled it all just fine. :wink: 8) :mrgreen:

I did pretty well, except for medication, that one I blame on the iPad!

Thanks Mike, at 70, every day is a :gift We're all trying to do a "DUSTY"... :thup :love

Charlie
 
Captains Cat":1y64dc4g said:
JamesTXSD":1y64dc4g said:
I think you spelled it all just fine. :wink: 8) :mrgreen:

I did pretty well, except for medication, that one I blame on the iPad!

Thanks Mike, at 70, every day is a :gift We're all trying to do a "DUSTY"... :thup :love

Charlie

I had to go back and look.....because I read mediation as medication, never noticed. Guess since I am 69, I must suffer from the same malady. Maybe I need some mediation also.
 
Captains Cat":300c591w said:
JamesTXSD":300c591w said:
I think you spelled it all just fine. :wink: 8) :mrgreen:

I did pretty well, except for medication, that one I blame on the iPad!

Thanks Mike, at 70, every day is a :gift We're all trying to do a "DUSTY"... :thup :love

Charlie

I just figured you were channeling Norm Crosby. :mrgreen:
 
Dang, an I'm only sex months behind you! Wait, that can't be right, June is ahead isn't it ?

Anyway, congrats and if it makes you feel any better I asked my Doctor the other day if all these invasive rubber glove tests were necessary since they probably wouldn't do much even if she found something and she said that 69 isn't old even if Medicare has already decided you are on the scrap heap :-)

And Yeah, Dusty is an inspiration to us all :thup :thup

M
 
Joe, Thanks for the side ache. Laughed until I could hardly breath. Sent that whole "That's when the fight started" string to a friend who is a marriage counselor. He said it would be good food for thought. :roll:

Harvey
SleepyC:moon
 
Harvey-

Here's another tale of marital harmony and bliss:


Subject: This will touch your heart!

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the
mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised
to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset
because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask
him where he was.

In a calm voice, the Husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry
store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that
diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would
get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that
jewelry store."

He said, Well, I'm in Hooters, right next to it."
 
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