Daily Laugh

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This is not a pushover test. There are 20 questions. Average score is 12. This one will be very difficult for the younger set. Have fun, but no peeking! When you forward this to your friends/family, put your score in the subject line and let them know your score. Don’t forget to forward it back to me, as well. Good luck youngsters!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil

2. Before he was Muhammad Ali, he was...
A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay

3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, “We have met the enemy and...
A. It’s you
B. He is us
C. It’s the Grinch
D. He wasn’t home
E. He’s really me an
F. We quit
G. He surrendered

4. Good night David.
A. Good night Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good night Irene
D.. Good night Gracie
E. See you later alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night Steve

5. You’ll wonder where the yellow went...
A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

6. Before he was the Skipper’s Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie’s friend...
A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo

7. Liar, liar.
A. You’re a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I’m telling Mom

8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights
a never ending battle for truth, justice and...
A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratings
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines
9. Hey kids! What time is it?
A. It’s time for Yogi Bear
B. It’s time to do your homework
C. It’s Howdy Doody Time
D. It’s Time for Romper Room
E. It’s bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scoopy Doo Time
10. Lions and tigers and bears...
A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I’m scared
E. Oh my
F. Help! Help!
G. Let’s run
11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone...
A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don’t know
F. Who says, ‘Trust me’
G. Who eats tofu
12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women’s stockings...
A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway
13. Brylcream.
A. Smear it on
B. You’ll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Grease ball heaven
E. It’s a dream
F. We’re your team
G. A little dab’ll do ya
14. I found my thrill...
A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill
15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...
A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno
16. Name the Beatles....
A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. I wonder, wonder, who...
A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?
18. I’m strong to the finish...
A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I’m the hero
E. And don’t you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. To outlast Bruto
19.. When it’s least expected, you’re elected, you’re the star today...
A. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera
B. Smile, you’re on Star Search
C. Smile, you won the lottery
D. Smile, we’re watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
F. Smile, you’re a hit
G. Smile, you’re on TV
20. What do M&M’s do?
A. Make your tummy happy
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
C. Make you fat
D. Melt your heart
E. Make you popular
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
G. Come in colors

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Below are the correct answers:
1. D - Wonder Bread
2. G - Cassius Clay
3. B - He Is Us
4. A - Good night, Chet
5. G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. D - Maynard G. Krebbs
7. C - Pants On Fire
8. F - The American Way
9. C - It’s Howdy Doody Time
10. E - Oh My
11. D - Over 30
12. C - Joe Namath
13. G - A little dab’ll do ya
14. G - On Blueberry Hill
15. B - Mary Martin
16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. D - Who wrote the book of Love
18. B - Cause I eats me spinach
19. A - Smile, you’re on Candid Camera
20. F - Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand
 
Man, those were easy! No problem remembering stuff from the 50s and 60s... it's the stuff that happened this morning that I... um... what was the question?

Fun little trip down memory lane.
 
Mama's Bible

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and
lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having
dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their
elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

Milton, the first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

Marvin, the second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

Michael, the third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

Melvin, the fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you
know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It
took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to
contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was
worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot
will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I
never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50
people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm
nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture; just the
same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little
thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
 
THIS may belong in the Nerd Shack but it's funny. For all the techies out there!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Snowing in the Northern Neck of VA, couple of inches on the ground and still coming down!

Charlie
 
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, a box of chocolates, and a half bottle of scotch.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
 
Can't remember whether this one has been posted here before or not (?)


Subject: Wrong email address
WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS
This one is priceless. A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email
address!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly
icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their
honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to
coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to
Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one
letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a
heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from
relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived Date: May 16, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you
are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been
checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival
tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful
as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!
 
Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by those who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and crap like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do NOT drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

This message is sent to you by someone who is a drinker and worries about your safety.
 
And you think you got it bad:
> The next time you feel that nobody loves you,
> No one cares, or that no one ever notices you,
> Think of this guy:
>
> Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . . ..
>
>> In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same
>> bed, on
>> Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition.
>> This
>> puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the
>> super
>> natural.
>> No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00
>> AM
>> Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the
>> cause of
>> the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all
>> of
>> the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for
>> themselves
>> what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden
>> crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil
>> spirits.
>> Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson , the part-time Sunday
>> sweeper,
>> entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use
>> the
>> vacuum cleaner.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Still Having a Bad Day?
>>
>>
>> The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil
>> spill in
>> Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
>> saved
>> animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause
>> from
>> onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Still think you are having a Bad Day?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically,
>> almost
>> in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist
>> towards
>> the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current,
>> she
>> whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
>> Up to
>> that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Are Ya OK Now? - No?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty
>>
>>
>> Of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany .
>> Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken
>> fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to
>> death.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> What? STILL having a Bad Day?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
>> It
>> came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the
>> bomb; he
>> opened it and was blown to bits. God is good!
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> There now, Feeling Better?
>
 
Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got laid.

:cry
 
Paraprosdokians



A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. Enjoy!



I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.



The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.



If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.



We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.



War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.



I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.



Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.



Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.



The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.



Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.



To steal idea from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.



A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.



How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?



Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.



I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.



A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.



Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put " A DOCTOR."



I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.



Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?



Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.



A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.



The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!



I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.



Some cause happiness wherever they go.. Others, whenever they go.



There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.



I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.



I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.



You're never too old to learn something stupid.



To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.



Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.



A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.



Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 
THIS PROVES YOU CAN WORK OUT ANY PROBLEM IF YOU TRY, TRY,
TRY.


PSYCHIATRIST AND PROCTOLOGIST

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a
sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town
council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read,
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy
the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."

No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds."
Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?"
No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up
with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.
 
How the world works lately...




If a man cuts his finger off while
Slicing salami at work,
He blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day
For 40 years and die of lung cancer,
Your family blames the
Tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes
Into a tree while driving home drunk,
He blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are


Brats without manners,
You blame television.

If your friend is shot by a
Deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer..

And if a crazed person breaks
Into the cockpit and
Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet,
And the passengers
Kill him instead,
The mother of the crazed deceased
Blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to
Understand the world
As it is anymore.

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED BUTT

is parked in front of this computer,
I want all of you to
Blame Bill Gates .



Have a nice day!
 
Sleeping With Bob

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided it was only fair to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful"! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he exclaimed. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, you look great, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and
watched ME all night."

There's one from the SleepGuy. A cure for sleeping with a snorer, but not for snoring.

Harvey
SleepyC :moon
 
A woman wanted to get her husband something special for their anniversary. He is a big fan of B. B. King, but already owns a complete collection of his recordings. She decides to surprise him by having King's initials tattood on her butt cheeks, where only her husband would see.
After they enjoy a nice candle-lit dinner, she tells him she has a surprise. She turns around, drops her pants and shows him the tattoo.
"What do you think, Honey?" she asks.
"It's nice artwork, but who is Bob?"
 
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing
Some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
Different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat."
 
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