Daily Laugh

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A letter to Jesse James

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth is shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America 's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated a..hole cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of s.... that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let's do lunch.

~Tiger
 
Ramon Sr":e3w95wcp said:
A letter to Jesse James

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.
Click to expand...

One of my coworkers has a saying, for every beautiful woman in the world, there is a guy who is tired of "being with" them (my quotes for language)

Not entirely sure I agree, but who am I to argue with what seems to be overwhelming evidence.
 
Ramon Sr":2b1tilyv said:
The thread is the "Daily Laugh". The letter to Jesse James is a joke; no need to analyze it.

Ramon Sr
Click to expand...

A post here (anywhere on the forum) that doesn't get analyzed? That's good for a "daily laugh". :mrgreen:
 
Ole Fills In

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close
the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:
'So, Ole, How was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:
HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!'

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!!

31FC86F2F56640128264D7601A3B01EB.jpg
 
DUCKS IN HEAVEN



Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one..

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day,
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man..
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months
Without stepping on any ducks,
But
One day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a
Duck.

Unknown_002.jpg
 
< All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
-----------------------
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
------------------------
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
------------------------
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
-----------------------
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---------------------------
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
-------------------------
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
-----------------------
>From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab in to the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---------------------
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
-----------------------
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
------------------------
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle! to shore and take them with our
compliments."
-----------------------
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings,
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
---------------------------
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry, Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
-----------------------------
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
------------------------------
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---------------------
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---------------------
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
-------------------
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
------------------
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
---------------
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
----------------
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles, The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back
on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

=
 
I don't know if this is for real, but it's funny, anyway!

WHEN YOU NEED A GOOD ATTORNEY:


Ah, bureaucracy!


Part of rebuilding New Orleans (after Katrina) often
caused residents to be challenged with the task of tracing titles to
their
homes...back hundreds of years.

With a community rich with history stretching back over
two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of
family,
sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's
a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:

You have to love this lawyer


A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He
Was told the loan would be granted if he could prove "satisfactory
title" to
a parcel of property being offered as collateral. It took the
lawyer three months to track down the full title to the property which
dated
back to 1803.


After sending the information to the FHA, he received
The following reply.

(Actual reply from FHA):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan
application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of
Title.

While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared
and presented the application, we must point out that you have only
cleared
title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before
final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title
back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual response):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been
received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the
206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any
educated person in this country, particularly those working in the
property area,
would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United
States from France , in 1803 the very year of origin identified in our
application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to
the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had
acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain .The land came into the
possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea
captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege
of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.

The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as
careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the
blessing of
the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus 's expedition...


Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of
Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created
this
world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made
that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the
owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of
time, the
world as we know it, and even the FHA.


I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our damn loan?"

The loan was immediately approved.
 
Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule.. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other..

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to.."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir...... But... I've always wanted to."


There are a few lessons here:


1. Never be arrogant.
2. Don't waste ammunition.
3. Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4. Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5. Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid
 
Math...

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table , went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
 
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. (For all you non Virginians, a "cottonmouth" is a water moccasin -- one of the 4 poisonous snakes in North America , and generally the meanest, being more aggressive than rattlesnakes.)

Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in it's mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the creek without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in Virginia :thup .

Charlie
 
I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape... I don't even have a home anymore.

Definitely time for a new keyboard.


Don
 
Don, my oldest daughter took all the key covers off her keyboard to clean the kids crumbs out. Got a lot of them too. Because she touch types, she was able to put the letter keys back but is having problems with the rest of them... :roll: Told her she should have taken a picture. Many keyboards are slightly different!

Charlie :lol:
 
Heard this on the Sirius comedy channel and had to share...


Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?


Because all the DNA is the same and there aren't any dental records!
 
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?
What about those long and boring conference calls?

Here's a way to change all of that.

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good size. Divide the square into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* expeditious
* to tell you the truth (or "the truth is")
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULL$H!T!"

5. Testimonials from satisfied "Bull$h!t! Bingo" players:

-- "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."
- Adam W., Atlanta

-- "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."
- David T., Florida

-- "What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."
- Dan J., New York City

--"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box."
- Ben G., Denver
 
Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house-mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from whom knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on,wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:

What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you?
 
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