Daily Laugh
- Thread starter Sea Wolf
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Engineers' Conversion Table
This is pretty heavy scientific stuff.....converting units:
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2.. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
This is pretty heavy scientific stuff.....converting units:
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2.. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."
The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."
The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a
"thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."
The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."
The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a
"thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
Subject: Refrigerator Door Note
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required..
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people..
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required..
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people..
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required..
You have been watching my cats no doubt! You'd think I was torturing them by closing the bathroom door.
You have been watching my cats no doubt! You'd think I was torturing them by closing the bathroom door.
Captains Cat
New member
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to
take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her
book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, ' Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up..'
'For reading a book,' she replies.
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment.. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the
woman..
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL : Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to
take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her
book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, ' Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up..'
'For reading a book,' she replies.
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment.. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the
woman..
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL : Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Captains Cat
New member
DoryLvr":1c3ag6ho said:
Have the same problem here Tivo. Both boy cats and the boy dog come in in the morning, the girl cats do not. If the door is closed, they scratch. Kinda comforting but they can't read the newspaper! :cat :cat :dog :lol:
We have a heated floor in the master bath, they love it!
And yes Mark, you should apologize. Drives me nuts too!
Charlie
Captains Cat
New member
Our Yearly Dementia Test
It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you
don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to
the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with
memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here
to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've
made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something
else..
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the
next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such
as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made
from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a
black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made
from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green
bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet
over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was
politically divided into West Germany and East Germany ). Anyway,
during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the
last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing
procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and
the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land'
between East Germany and West Germany ... Where would you bury the
survivors? East Germany , West Germany ,
Or no man's land'?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If
you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales .. In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven ..
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!
It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you
don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to
the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with
memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here
to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've
made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something
else..
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the
next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such
as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made
from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a
black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made
from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green
bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet
over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was
politically divided into West Germany and East Germany ). Anyway,
during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the
last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing
procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and
the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land'
between East Germany and West Germany ... Where would you bury the
survivors? East Germany , West Germany ,
Or no man's land'?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If
you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales .. In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven ..
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!
Hi Charlie,
I took the test.
1. A bagel. Perhaps a multi-grain flat bread. Sometimes a fresh scalia roll sliced in half. When I was a kid, I put a knife in the toaster... what a shock!
2. Baby cows drink milk. Grown up cows drink water. Sophisticated cows drink a fine wine after allowing it to breathe.
3. People who live in glass houses (greenhouses) shouldn't throw stones. You also might want to put a towel around more than your hair when you get out of the shower.
4. I remember this one from jr. high school. The teacher said, "You don't bury survivors. I said, "I tried, but they keep clawing their way out." Detention wasn't much fun.
5. In the past, I've said, "The country is going to hell in a handbasket and I am driving the bus." If I were driving that bus, there would likely be one heck of a crash because those people drive on the wrong side of the road. I know my age; I even remember my birthday. I also remember the Blonde's birthday, but I am smart enough to forget her age. :wink:
I hope you grade on the curve.
I took the test.
1. A bagel. Perhaps a multi-grain flat bread. Sometimes a fresh scalia roll sliced in half. When I was a kid, I put a knife in the toaster... what a shock!
2. Baby cows drink milk. Grown up cows drink water. Sophisticated cows drink a fine wine after allowing it to breathe.
3. People who live in glass houses (greenhouses) shouldn't throw stones. You also might want to put a towel around more than your hair when you get out of the shower.
4. I remember this one from jr. high school. The teacher said, "You don't bury survivors. I said, "I tried, but they keep clawing their way out." Detention wasn't much fun.
5. In the past, I've said, "The country is going to hell in a handbasket and I am driving the bus." If I were driving that bus, there would likely be one heck of a crash because those people drive on the wrong side of the road. I know my age; I even remember my birthday. I also remember the Blonde's birthday, but I am smart enough to forget her age. :wink:
I hope you grade on the curve.
Captains Cat
New member
I do Jim, you got an 87.
Thanks for more laughs!
Charlie
Thanks for more laughs!
Charlie
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate, so she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I Don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays. "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car.. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself. "Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."
.
She begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I Don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays. "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car.. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself. "Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."
.
Lipstick in School
According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators
According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age (now over 52). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 90?" My Father died at 65..
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"'Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "Not much....my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said.
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you even care?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"'Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "Not much....my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said.
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you even care?"
Captains Cat
New member
Pat, you can always learn those things. I'm trying hard! :wink:
Charlie
Charlie
- Status