Daily Laugh
- Thread starter Sea Wolf
- Start date
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Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house- mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
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In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
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In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror.. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
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In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing.. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
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In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car.. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'
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In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
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In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
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In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
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In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
(With the exception of Dusty)
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house- mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror.. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing.. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car.. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
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In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
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In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
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In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
(With the exception of Dusty)
Pat Anderson
New member
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
I knew I was right 8)
Article seen in UK newspaper:-
Grumpiness is a sign of advanced civilisation
The Victor Meldrews of this world should take heart – their grumpiness could be down to being higher up the evolutionary ladder than people who are easy-going.
By Richard Alleyne, Science Correspondent
Published: 3:25PM GMT 29 Jan 2010
Researchers now believe that being aggressive, intolerant and short-tempered could be a sign of a more advanced nature.
A more childlike attitude to behaviour such as tolerance and sharing, could, in contrast, be an indication of not being as developed, the new study suggests.
It could also provide scientific weight to the writer George Bernhard Shaw's famous saying that "all progress depends on the unreasonable man".
Researchers looked at two different kinds of monkey – the familiar chimpanzee and the less evolved but much more easy going bonobo, two of the closest living relatives to human beings.
Chimpanzees are accepted as more evolved than bonobos in terms of physical appearance, behaviour and social structure.
But chimps are also much more aggressive, particularly as they get older, when they become less tolerant of each other, share less and show more signs of violence to others.
Adult bonobos, on the other hand, are more Peter Pan-like. They retain the same levels of playfulness and behaviour they showed as juveniles, said the research by Harvard University for the online journal Current Biology.
The two types of ape are very close to each other, genetically, but the clear differences are believed to be down to simple evolution, said lead researcher Victoria Wobber.
Her team put both chimps and bonobos through a variety of skill tests with rewards for those who completed various tasks the quickest.
They included a sharing exercise and a begging exercise in which they had to work out which of their keeper's was most generous. In all cases the chimps learnt the tasks fastest and to their better advantage.
She believes that the ability to "restrain" their sociability was one of the reasons they were more intelligent and more civilised.
She said: "Bonobos took longer to develop the same skill level shown even among the youngest of the chimpanzees that were tested.
"It seemed as if adult chimpanzees were able to exhibit more social restraint than adult bonobos."
She believes that humans being even more advanced are likely to exhibit even more adult like behaviour.
"If we can understand the evolutionary processes by which developmental changes occurred in bonobos, perhaps inferences can be made about our own species' evolution," he said.
:thup
Article seen in UK newspaper:-
Grumpiness is a sign of advanced civilisation
The Victor Meldrews of this world should take heart – their grumpiness could be down to being higher up the evolutionary ladder than people who are easy-going.
By Richard Alleyne, Science Correspondent
Published: 3:25PM GMT 29 Jan 2010
Researchers now believe that being aggressive, intolerant and short-tempered could be a sign of a more advanced nature.
A more childlike attitude to behaviour such as tolerance and sharing, could, in contrast, be an indication of not being as developed, the new study suggests.
It could also provide scientific weight to the writer George Bernhard Shaw's famous saying that "all progress depends on the unreasonable man".
Researchers looked at two different kinds of monkey – the familiar chimpanzee and the less evolved but much more easy going bonobo, two of the closest living relatives to human beings.
Chimpanzees are accepted as more evolved than bonobos in terms of physical appearance, behaviour and social structure.
But chimps are also much more aggressive, particularly as they get older, when they become less tolerant of each other, share less and show more signs of violence to others.
Adult bonobos, on the other hand, are more Peter Pan-like. They retain the same levels of playfulness and behaviour they showed as juveniles, said the research by Harvard University for the online journal Current Biology.
The two types of ape are very close to each other, genetically, but the clear differences are believed to be down to simple evolution, said lead researcher Victoria Wobber.
Her team put both chimps and bonobos through a variety of skill tests with rewards for those who completed various tasks the quickest.
They included a sharing exercise and a begging exercise in which they had to work out which of their keeper's was most generous. In all cases the chimps learnt the tasks fastest and to their better advantage.
She believes that the ability to "restrain" their sociability was one of the reasons they were more intelligent and more civilised.
She said: "Bonobos took longer to develop the same skill level shown even among the youngest of the chimpanzees that were tested.
"It seemed as if adult chimpanzees were able to exhibit more social restraint than adult bonobos."
She believes that humans being even more advanced are likely to exhibit even more adult like behaviour.
"If we can understand the evolutionary processes by which developmental changes occurred in bonobos, perhaps inferences can be made about our own species' evolution," he said.
:thup
Grumpy":2se6xlq2 said:
I know a lot of researchers and there are a few who must believe the above based on the way they treat their colleagues and staff. If this is "more advanced", "more evolved" or "more adult", than I'd rather be a bonobo. I'll stick with the "All I really need to know, I learned in kindergarten" theory.
Roger,
You know that I copied this article with tongue firmly embedded in cheek and not as my personal opinion.
Unfirtunately lots of societies in human and other animal groups "evolved" from the cookies and mik via the agressive (often caused by overcrowding) to extinction.
I don't call that real evolution or intelligent design but history shows a definite trend in that direction and it's pretty sad. :cry
Merv
You know that I copied this article with tongue firmly embedded in cheek and not as my personal opinion.
Unfirtunately lots of societies in human and other animal groups "evolved" from the cookies and mik via the agressive (often caused by overcrowding) to extinction.
I don't call that real evolution or intelligent design but history shows a definite trend in that direction and it's pretty sad. :cry
Merv
Grumpy":stjnajia said:
Merv,
I know you copied it tongue and cheek and I thought it was funny from that perspective (e.g. a guy who's handle is grumpy). However, I couldn't resist commenting on what I think is a real problem in science - e.g. there's some people who actually believe this kind of crap. It's sad. I was especially disappointed that the commentary from a writer for Science magazine would use language that essentially advocates for poor behavior. My sense is that this was written by someone who really needed to justify his/her own way of thinking.
Best,
Roger
The stress reliever for the day.....
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a cat who stuttered'.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my cat when the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he
jumped over the fence and into our yard'.
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It was', said the little girl. 'My cat raised her back, went Sssss,
Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Sh!t', that Rottweiler ate her.
The teacher had to leave the room!!!
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a cat who stuttered'.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my cat when the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he
jumped over the fence and into our yard'.
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It was', said the little girl. 'My cat raised her back, went Sssss,
Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Sh!t', that Rottweiler ate her.
The teacher had to leave the room!!!
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
Captains Cat
New member
I think this one has been here before but it's still funny...
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Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in right here in Northern Virginia. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times,honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
------------------------
Charlie
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Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in right here in Northern Virginia. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times,honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
------------------------
Charlie
A lawyer is explaining the importance of ethics to his son who is about to embark in business.
In his lesson to his son, the lawyer paints this scenario: "A lady comes in to pay her $100 dollar bill. She pays you in cash. As she walks out, you discover the crisp new $100 bill she has handed you are in fact two $100 bills stuck together."
"So son," he says, "the ethics question is this...."
"Do you tell your partner?"
In his lesson to his son, the lawyer paints this scenario: "A lady comes in to pay her $100 dollar bill. She pays you in cash. As she walks out, you discover the crisp new $100 bill she has handed you are in fact two $100 bills stuck together."
"So son," he says, "the ethics question is this...."
"Do you tell your partner?"
I got this viral video yesterday morning -
For me it's laugh out loud funny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buccL9tWESQ :lol:
For me it's laugh out loud funny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buccL9tWESQ :lol:
Wandering Sagebrush
Free Range Human
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"
A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except that she's angry at you."
"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
"She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.
MartyP
A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except that she's angry at you."
"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
"She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.
MartyP
I need not say nothing and I am not sure if I want to laugh or cry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIHz5tevLAw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIHz5tevLAw
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