Daily Laugh

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An
elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex
therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us
have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows,
but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple

Is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the
doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you
have intercourse.'

He
thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them
$50, and says good bye.

A week later the couple returns
and asks the sex therapist to watch again.

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but
agrees.

This happens several weeks in a
row. The couple makes an appointment,

Has intercourse with no problems, pays the
doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this
routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.

Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying
to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to
her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton
charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from
Medicare.'
 
A Bit of Oriental Medical Wisdom for the New Year!

Unknown_001.jpg

His practice has no room for new patients! Now, he's
a medical wizard!


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Heart only good for so many beats, and thats it.. Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Cannot think of single one, sorr y. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND...

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

And suffer fewer heart at tacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and e at lots of sausages and fats

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
you...
 
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet.

As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.

Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting.
 
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what’s wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
 
You want a GROANER?

There was a baker whose specialty was bread. He could bake the bread fast enough, but it took him a long time to slice it by hand. Then one day he discovered that he could save time if he used a longer cutting tool and sliced 2 loaves at the same time. He worked his way up to an even longer cutting tool and sliced 3 loaves at a time. Then one day while at the cutlery store he found another cutting tool and declared himself OH SO LUCKY.

Because today, he found... a four loaf cleaver.

:embarrased Yeah, I know - back to my corner.
 
This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says, "ACTS 2:38!"

The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: "How did you do this?"

The woman replied, "I quoted scripture." The cop turned to the burglar and asked, "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?"

The burglar replied, "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's."
 
Having served "a few days" (26 years) in the Navy I heard or read all kinds of excuses for taking leave (vacation). The best was one I saw on a Leave Request at the Naval Hospital in Portsmouth, VA where I served as Legal Yeoman 1964-1966.

It simply read "My wife is going to get pregnant and I want to be there when it happens."

Leave was approved. 9 months later father was showing photo of a happy mother and baby.

Cal - The Deckhand
 
From The London Times:
A Well-Planned Retirement




Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were 1£ for cars ($1.40), 5£ for buses (about $7).


Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.


The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.


Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy ... is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years.



Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ...... and no one even knows his name.
 
Smopes update on the above story HERE

Was funny, but did seem incredible, so I should have checked it out!

Thanks, Steve! (Wandering Sagebrush)

Joe. :embarrased
 
During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at his company it was found that Johnny was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Johnny was asked why he had such a long password: he replied
''Duh! The password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''
 
O x y m o r o n s
>
> 1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
>
> 2. Why is the third hand on the watch
> called the second hand?
>
> 3. If a word is misspelled in the
> dictionary, how would we ever know?
>
> 4. If Webster wrote the first
> dictionary, where did he find the words?
>
> 5. Why do we say something is out of
> whack? What is a whack?
>
> 6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up"
> mean the same thing?
>
> 7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim
> chance" mean the same thing?
>
> 8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
>
> 9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the
> ball game"
>
> when we are already there?
>
> 10. Why are they called " stands" when
> they are made for sitting?
>
> 11. Why is it called "after dark" when
> it really is "after light"?
>
> 12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"
> make the unexpected expected?
>
> 13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise
> guy" opposites?
>
> 14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean
> opposite things?
>
> 15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way
> it sounds?
>
> 16. If work is so terrific, why do they
> have to pay you to do it?
>
> 17.. If all the world is a stage, where
> is the audience sitting?
>
> 18. If love is blind, why is lingerie
> so popular?
>
> 19. If you are cross-eyed and have
> dyslexia, can you read all right?
>
> 20. Why is bra singular and panties
> plural?
>
> 21.. Why do you press harder on the
> buttons of a remote control
>
> when you know the batteries are dead?
>
> 22. Why do we put suits in garment bags
> and garments in a suitcase?
>
> 23. How come abbreviated is such a long
> word?
>
> 24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we
> clean when we use them?
>
> 25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the
> inside of the bottle?
>
> 26. Why do they call it a TV set when
> you only have one?
>
> 27. Christmas - What other time of the
> year do you sit in front of a dead tree
> and eat candy out of your socks?
>
>
>
> 2
 
A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet
> for dinner.
>
> Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen
> restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice
> breasts.
>
> 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again
> they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon
> that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is
> very good and the wine selection is good also.
>
> 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again
> they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon
> that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there
> in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
>
> 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again
> they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon
> that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is
> wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
>
> 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again
> they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon
> that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a
> great idea because they have never been there before.

Bill Uffelman
Las Vegas NV
 
Facts not Verified



Message judged True



Ken -- a real MD



Subject: Public Service Notice





Message: Drink Wine

To my friends and family who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember :
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

(There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service!)
 
Especially for the Canucks

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains ."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count' St. Peter?"

"No I told you the computer's down, There's no way we an keep track of what you are doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them? he asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter, "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asks the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Manitoba"
 
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Manitoba"
Click to expand...

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: I'm die'n out here. (Warmest January in recorded weather history. :rose :hot :thup :thup

Harvey (The other tropical tip -- NW Washington)
SleepyC :moon
 
hardee":15saw1hr said:
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Manitoba"
Click to expand...

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: I'm die'n out here. (Warmest January in recorded weather history. :rose :hot :thup :thup

Harvey (The other tropical tip -- NW Washington)
SleepyC :moon
Click to expand...

So, I assume that means you're getting in LOTS of boat time? :wink:
 
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