Daily Laugh 2
- Thread starter Captains Cat
- Start date
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
Long
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
Long
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leaned towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!" Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the Pope slapped her.
An elderly man came to his physician, with the problem that his wife was getting angry with him almost daily. The physician prescribed taking a glass of tap water and swishing in around in his moth until the wife's anger stopped. Not to swallow, or spit out the water!
The man came back to the doctor 2 weeks later. "Its a miracle, she no longer gets angry." The man asked the physician how the water stopped the wife's anger.
The doctor's answer: "its not the water, but you are keeping your mouth shut."
The man came back to the doctor 2 weeks later. "Its a miracle, she no longer gets angry." The man asked the physician how the water stopped the wife's anger.
The doctor's answer: "its not the water, but you are keeping your mouth shut."
You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery…
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance.”
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?” He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun”
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
and then there was the lady who grabbed a cab in Chicago.
Heading for Midway Airport she leaned over to ask the driver a question and lightly tapped him on the shoulder tp get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, narrowly missed a city bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just short of a very large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle you so badly."
The driver replied, "Oh no. No I'm the one who is sorry. It's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years." :smiled
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery…
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance.”
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?” He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun”
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
and then there was the lady who grabbed a cab in Chicago.
Heading for Midway Airport she leaned over to ask the driver a question and lightly tapped him on the shoulder tp get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, narrowly missed a city bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just short of a very large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle you so badly."
The driver replied, "Oh no. No I'm the one who is sorry. It's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years." :smiled
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
Snow in your town.
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in your town were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snow ploughs can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snow ploughs can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the power went out. The good wife was very upset and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married have, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
I didn't see it coming either!
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in your town were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snow ploughs can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snow ploughs can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the power went out. The good wife was very upset and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married have, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
I didn't see it coming either!
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
colbysmith
Active member
Harvey, you guys have snow emergency rules out west also? :wink: I'm glad I have a garage. Those rules confuse the heck out of a lot of folk! Colby
colbysmith":4rk8hb71 said:
Colby, we have a snow emergency if there is more than 2 inches, and an it's not just for plowing. We have had spinouts at the traffic circles and tied up traffic for more than 15 minutes. :xseek :roll:
First year, I moved the car, but left the boat. The plow man got a real good close look at the boat. Said he liked it enough to go around.
Not sure why we are getting snow now. Two years ago we had 20 winters worth. WE sure haven't used up all that Y E T :evil:
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
A friend of mine sent me this. It is his mother in laws story.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
With the New Year Eve having just past, I would like to share an experience about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well last night I was out to dinner with my friends and had several drinks followed by some rather nice red Pinot Noir. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the highway there was a police road block but since I was in a cab, they waved it on through.
I arrived home safely without incident.
That was a bit of a surprise as I had never driven a cab before, however, the problem is I don't remember where I got it, and it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
If any of you are missing your cab, please call:
1-800-DRANK 2 MUCH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
With the New Year Eve having just past, I would like to share an experience about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well last night I was out to dinner with my friends and had several drinks followed by some rather nice red Pinot Noir. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the highway there was a police road block but since I was in a cab, they waved it on through.
I arrived home safely without incident.
That was a bit of a surprise as I had never driven a cab before, however, the problem is I don't remember where I got it, and it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
If any of you are missing your cab, please call:
1-800-DRANK 2 MUCH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia , New Zealand , Canada and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia , New Zealand , Canada and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
I just learned a new word and like it. Kind of interesting and great for telling short stories.
“Lexophile" describes those that have a love for sentences such as, "You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish," and, "To write with a broken pencil is pointless."
An annual competition is held by the 'New York Times' to see who can create the best original lexophile.
This year's submissions:
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
*Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled
Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stare.
*Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
Hope that caused a few smiles.
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
“Lexophile" describes those that have a love for sentences such as, "You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish," and, "To write with a broken pencil is pointless."
An annual competition is held by the 'New York Times' to see who can create the best original lexophile.
This year's submissions:
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore. I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. A will is a dead giveaway. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. *Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed. When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. When chemists die, they barium. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled Writing my name in cursive is my signature move. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stare.*Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.Hope that caused a few smiles.
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
:roll: :arrow: :shock: 