Daily Laugh 2

Taking care of the Busybodies and Holier Than Thou Types-

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.


She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank, (and several others), that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!


Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing.


Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... And left it there all night.


You gotta love guys like Frank.
 
A Marine instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: Anyone knows the formula for water? Sure. That’s easy, said one recruit. What is it? H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O. What, what? reasked the instructor. H to O, explained the recruit. You are officer material son ! Semper Fi !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the beginning of the Army-Navy football game, the coin toss in made. The Navy captain shouts, HEADS followed by the Army captain shouting LATRINES.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A private just out of training is assigned to guard the main gate, He is ordered to allow no one through unless they have the pass word. The other experienced soldier is using the latrine when a vehicle with a 3 star flag rolls up, the private stops the vehicle and asks the driver for the password the driver doesn't know the password, so the private after saluting the general ask him the for the password, the general doesn't know it either, the private says I cant let you through without the password to which the general replies son I'm the commander of this base and a 3 star general, the private says sir I still cant pass you. the general tells the driver to drive on through. the private then says to the general sir I'm real new to this so do I shoot you or the driver.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There’s an ARMY guy and a Marine in the bathroom taking a leak, The Army guy zips up and starts to leave, The marine runs to stop him and says..."You know, in the Marines they teach us to wash our hands AFTER WE PEE." Then the Army guy SAYS..." In the Army they teach us not to pee on our hands!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Best branch of the US Armed Forces? A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was The Best. The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly. Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked him, Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best? Saint Peter replied, I can’t answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven. Sometime later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven and asked Saint Peter if he was able to ask God for the answer to their answer? Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peters shoulder. In the doves beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen: MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY TO: All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best 1. All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble. 2. Each serves America well and with distinction. 3. Serving in the United States military represents a great honor warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man. 4. Always be proud of that. Warm Regards, GOD, USAF, Ret.

Harvey
SleepyC :moon

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Chet the Christmas Carol Parrot 

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

 "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held the match under the parrot's right foot. Chet's tune changed, with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

 "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet cleared his throat, and belted out: 




  "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
 
Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties.

She had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she
showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The
bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated
of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and
he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', 'I wonder if you would tell me
about this? he said, pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I
found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and
that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

Harvey
SleepyC:moon
 
Subject: I never knew...

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.Statistics just released from Statistics Canada, and The United Nations B.O.H. Team,revealed that: North American men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year, if they are lucky.

This has come as very upsetting news to me and most of my buddies at the yacht club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
 
A Man and a Mysteriously-Moving Car

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and no car went by.

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop.

The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then realized that there's nobody behind the wheel!

The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life.

He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.

Gathering strength, he gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes into a bar, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying, but wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same bar and one said to the other: "Look, Jeff, that's the butthead that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
 
Building a Snowman in California


What a morning in northern California. I was told it rarely snows here like it did today, so I thought I would build a snowman like they do when it snows up north and back east.


8:00 I made a nice snowman.


8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.


8:15 I made a snow woman.


8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.


8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead of a snowman and a snow woman.


8:25 The vegans at apt. # 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are "serious food" and are not to to ever be used for "decorating snow figures".


8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple I made is white.


8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear some strange kind of a headscarf.


8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what's going on.


8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get much, much worse after I mutter : "Yeah, that could be true if it's stuck up your a**"


8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.


9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist who is bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.


9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.


9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was all actually their plot.


Done with this!! I will never make a snowman, snow woman, or snow whatever again in California. It's just too dangerous!!


Welcome to the New and Improved US of California! :lol:

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>
 
Which Substance Would You Like to Land in?

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician.

The magician was standing at the top of a slide.

The magician then said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink.

The first man went down yelling, ''beerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.

The second guy went down the slide yelling,''champagne!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of champagne.

The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''

(Sorry for the sophomoric humor...) :crook
 
(Been around, but still funny)

The Last Kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers

were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl

about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge .

So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley,

walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper

who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby...whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't

want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked...

“Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...

Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing

and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey!

That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts.

You could be famous if you rode with me.

Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 
The Italian Golfers


Russ Buttacovolo, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Russ, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?

"Who said he was dead?"

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says Russ. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?
 
The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

She is numb from her toes down.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
 
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Doughboy has died. Doctor's Thataway and Gulfcoastjohn were at his side, and reported he died of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 92. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, Betty Crocker, Captain Crunch, Duncan Hines, Chef Boyardee, and many others. The graveside was piled high with flour, and longtime friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy. She described Doughboy as a man whom never knew how much he was kneaded. She said he rose quickly in the business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his time on half-baked schemes such as buying boats with inboard motors. Still even as a crusty old man, he was a 'roll model' and left his family with a lot of bread. Doughboy is survived by his second wife Play Dough. They have two children, Da Nag and TyBoo, plus one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
 
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him and the old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors who were concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried face down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

Harvey
SleepyC :moon
 
Bubba and His Wife Go Fishing


Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake.

They had not been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in.

After catching their limit, Bubba said, "Verna Lou, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these fish, we'll go home."

On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said, "Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all the fish are so next time I'll know?"

"Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat right down closest to the water."

"Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seen you do. Don't you know that won't work? We may not get the same boat the next time!"

(With apologies to everybody for everything politically incorrect!)
 
Bert & Harry are two seniors who meet in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and talk about life. One day Bert doesn't show up but Harry thinks nothing of it. A week passes and still no Bert but since they only meet in the park Harry has no way to find out what happened.

A month passes and lo and behold there's Bert. "What happened?" asks Harry.

"I was in jail" replies Bert.

"Good lord what for?" Harry says.

Bert answers, "That waitress in the coffee shop thought I was rich so she sued me for $250,000 claiming I seduced her and got her pregnant. I'm 85 years old and when I got to court my ego made me plead guilty. The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

:mrgreen:
 

The Men's Test in Heaven

The Day of Judgment came, and all the people in the world who were worthy reached heaven, where the heavenly angels divided them into men and women. The angel Gabriel was revealed before all the men and ordered them to stand in two rows; One would be all the men who had retained their strength in the relationship, and the other - men who had surrendered to their wives. Meanwhile, the women were taken elsewhere, apparently to pass their own test...

Of course, as soon as the women disappeared, most of the men immediately made their way to the first row of men who stood their ground, did not give in and wore the “pants” in the house. But under the scrutiny and judgment of the angels, they slowly began to wander to the second line of the submissive men. So it went on for a long time until finally there were only three men left in the first row, while the second row lengthened and extended beyond the horizon.

Gabriel looked at this scene with a very disappointed look and turned to all the men:

"You should be ashamed of yourself, you were created in the image of the Creator, and the woman was created from your bones, but you have allowed yourself to let her rule over you, only these three men are exceptional and I am sure they can teach you a thing or two." “Hey you,” he said to one of the three men, "How do you describe your relationships? How do you feel knowing you are one of the most special men in the world?"

"The truth?" answered the man, "I was lonely or stuck in unhappy relationships all my life, and now that we are here, my greatest regret is that I did not treat women better."
The surprised angel did not lose his enthusiasm and hurried to ask the other man how he described his relationships in life.

"All my life I've gone from relationship to relationship, I've never found love and I've always wanted to change my ways and treat women better, now I can never do that ..." he said and burst into tears.

The confused angel hurried to the third man. "Please tell me, you seem quite satisfied and relaxed, what’s your secret, how did you manage to be the only man in the world who controls his relationship, that stands his ground, doesn’t give in to women, and still looks so sure of himself?"

"I'm sorry but I don’t have an answer for you," said the third man. "I'm just standing here because my wife told me to wait here and not move until she comes back."
 
An Irishman Gets Baptized

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?
 
A Bob and Ray Classic--
Two cannibals walk into a bar
First cannibal: "I don't like your brother-in-law"
Second cannibal: "Just eat the noodles."
 
The World's Most Awesome Bible Salesman

A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesmen back in Omaha."

The boss liked the kid and gave him the job.

"You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?”

The kid responds, "One."The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.

How much was the sale for?"

"$101,237.65."

"$101,237.65? Holy Mother of Mary! What did you sell him?"

"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."

"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"

"No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."
 
An Eskimo is driving down the road. All of a sudden his car starts coughing, spewing smoke and loses power. He pulls into a nearby garage and the mechanic comes out. The mechanic opens the hood and says, "Well there's your problem. You've blown a seal". The Eskimo. licking his mustache replies, "No. That's just snow".
 
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