Daily Laugh 2

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Alabama, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us?.

Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama ."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.99, 100 of them there shirts at $1.99, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.39.

I'll back up my pickup and....."

"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Y'all from Alabama, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come ya knowed that?"

"Because this is a Dry-Cleaners."
 
Subject: Irish Mirror

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it, thinking it would bring him good luck.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with!'
 
When a Gynie Becomes a Mechanic

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic.

So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order.

So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.

The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%!

He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark.

The instructor said: "no, no that's right.

First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."
 
A delightful little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station. As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street for two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mother come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're kidding me, right? You can't even find the Post Office."
 
Who the Heck Is Mr. Gorsky?

On July 20th, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were heard by millions of people around the world.

But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut.

However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but he just brushed them off by smiling.

On July 5th, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question. That time, he finally responded.

Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938, when he was a kid in a small Midwestern town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.

His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows.

His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, the young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Sex? You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
 
This Blonde Locked Herself Out Of Her Car...


Two blondes were driving down the road. The driver noticed that she was low on gas, so she stopped at the gas station. While she was pumping her gas, she noticed that she had locked the keys in the car.

When she went inside to pay, the blonde asked the attendant for a coat hanger so she could attempt to open the door herself.

She went outside and began to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant went outside to see how the blonde was faring. The blonde outside of the car was moving the hanger around and around.

Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car was saying: "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "
 
THE BEAR IN THE WOODS

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as
Chaplains to the students of the University of Virginia in
beautiful Charlottesville beside the Blue Ridge Mountains.

They would get together two or three times a week on the corner for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods on the Blue Ridge Parkway, find a
bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together at UVA Hospital to discuss
their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on
crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when
I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me
around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out
next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm
and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL,
brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND
me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But
that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one
hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I
quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said,
he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising
Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was
lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and
monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision
may not have been the best way to start."
 
"When I was young, I decided to go to medical school. At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the letters P-N-E-I-S to form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered “SPINE” are doctors today, while the rest of us are on Facebook".

I suspect that Thataway and Gulfcoastjohn went with SPINE, while I ....... well let's just say I chose another option :xnaughty
 
Air Force General Quiets Down a Dramatic Boy

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.

No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.

Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
 
The difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered:

"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."
 
Father's reply - frozen carburetor problem


People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

What's the matter? asked the Trooper

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't," said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter..........."
 
Subject: Deep River (specially for geeks, from my Jewish friend))

Deep river and HOW THE INTERNET WAS BEGAT



In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the
name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade
without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply asked, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made
on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate
success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also
developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures -- Hebrew to thePeople (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish
with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.
Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they
named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums
to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything.


(GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

I would not make up this stuff.
 
In April 1945 the Soviet Army was preparing for it’s final push to capture Berlin. During the war and the reign of Joseph Stalin, few Soviet citizens, even his Generals were willing to act without orders from Stalin in Moscow. Before the final battle Soviet Commander Marshall Zhukov gathered his troops and addressed them.

“Heros of the Soviet Union, I have received very important orders from Moscow. As always they contain good news and bad news.”

“Our Great Leader Joseph Stalin has ordered that tomorrow we begin the final attack to capture the Facist's capital city of Berlin.”

Loud cheers from the soldiers.

“More good news. Stalin has ordered that before entering Berlin, all solders must change their underwear.”

More loud cheers from the soldiers.

“Now for the bad news.”
“Comrade Ivan will change underwear with Comrade Boris. Comrade Demitri will change with Comrade Gregory, ……”
 
Jay Leno said that when he met Mikhail Gorbachev he was told this joke by Gorby.

There was a very long bread line in Russia that hadn't moved for hours. One man in line got so frustrated that he left his spot, saying he was going to kill Gorbachev. The others in the bread line cheered him as he left. An hour later he returned dejected. He told them that the line to kill Gorbachev was even longer.
 
Two Cannibals Look For Food in the Jungle


Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.


Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one."


"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait."


Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough."


"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."


About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."


"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."


"Why not?" asked the son.


"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
 
Two Nerds and a Racing Bike

Two nerdy male students meet on campus one day.

One of them notices that the other is on a shiny new racing bike.

He calls out to the other: "Hey -- nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young girl rides up on this bike.

She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!'"

"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
 
I do love Jersey....
Governor Dick Hughes used to tell the story of Barney Doyle, a long-time Hudson County hanger-on whom Hughes finally appointed as director of weights and measures. At his swearing in, a reporter asked Barney 'how many ounces in a pound?' to which Barney responded: 'Give me a break boys, I just got this job...'"
 
Back
Top