Daily Laugh 2


One For Each of My Brothers

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walked into a bar and ordered three mugs of Bud. He sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.

The bartender approached and told the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it there.

The cowboy became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way. He ordered three mugs and drank them in turn.

One day, he came in and only ordered two mugs. All the regulars took notice and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned in his eyes and he laughed.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explained. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
 
What kind of conversations only happen in San Francisco?

"My landlord offered me $80,000 to move out."

"Did you take it?"

"No. I'm holding out for $150,000. With that plus cashing out my 401k and the vested stock I received in my acquihire*, I'll have a bit over a million to make a cash offer on a reasonable one-bedroom."

"Are you sure that will be enough? You may get outbid."

"I hope so. We want to buy in a poor neighborhood to increase our kid's chances of getting into a decent school."

_____________________________________________________________________

* "The acqui-hire (aka acquihire) is a relatively recent phenomena that describes when a struggling company (generally but not always an early stage startup) is acquired primarily for its talent. Instead of buying companies for their products, or even potential financial contribution, acquirers who are leading the acqui-hire movement are now purchasing teams of smart people (generally engineers) who have a history of working well together with the hope that dropping in these teams might accelerate and advance their own businesses."
 
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
 
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
 
Time is like a river.

You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the South West of Western Australia.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods of the South West, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
 
Behaving In Real Life As One Does On Facebook

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I had done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does everyday.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me:

Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
 
The Sinking Friends

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.

Saul the banker says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."

Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid, so Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.

Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"

Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
 
God Finally Finds a Man Genuinely in His Image

Everybody on earth died and went to heaven.

On their arrival, God greeted the people and said: "I want the men to make two lines - one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

A little while later, God returned to the pearly gates to check on progress. The women had all gone with St. Peter as he had wished, and the men were split into two lines.

The line containing men that were dominated by women during their earthly lives was 100 miles long, but there was just a single man in the line containing men that dominated their women.

Enraged by this, God said to the men: “You should be ashamed for yourselves. I created you in my image and you allowed yourselves to be controlled by your lovers or spouses.”

Turning toward the solitary man, God continued: “Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son - how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

"I don't know - my wife told me to stand here," replied the man.
 
Bad Poker News

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the dead man's apartment and knocks on the door. His wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home.

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
 
A Lighter View of Politics

Harry and Bess

Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many, or more important decisions regarding the U.S. history as any of the other presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence, Missouri. His wife had inherited the house from her mother and father and other than their years in the White House, they lived their entire married lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an 'allowance' and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year.

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, "You don't want me. You want the Office of the President, and that doesn't belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's not for sale."

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honour on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, "I don't consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise."

As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale.

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, "My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!
 
AND WE THOUGHT CHIVALRY WAS GONE


Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they

decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything

for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . . . . .

Harvey
SleepyC :moon
 
Funny Origins of Some Nautical and Other Terms

We use these words and phrases every day! Do you know how they came into being?

A SHOT OF WHISKEY
In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a glass of whiskey. If a cowhand was low on cash he would often give the bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a “shot” of whiskey.

THE WHOLE NINE YARDS
American fighter planes in WW2 had machine guns that were fed by a belt of cartridges. The average plane held belts that were 27 feet (9 yards)long. If the pilot used up all his ammo he was said to have given it the whole nine yards.

BUYING THE FARM
This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an average farm so if you died you “bought the farm” for your survivors.

IRONCLAD CONTRACT
This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant something so strong it could not be broken.

PASSINGTHE BUCK/THE BUCK STOPS HERE
Most men in the early west carried a jack knife made by the Buck knife company. When playing poker it as common to place one of these Buck knives in front of the dealer so that everyone knew who he was. When it was time for a new dealer the deck of cards and the knife were given to the new dealer. If this person didn’t want to deal he would “pass the buck” to the next player. If that player accepted then “the buck stopped there.”

RIFF RAFF
The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight, but they were expensive, so most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way over rafts which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts was called a “riff” and this transposed into riff-raff, meaning low class.

COBWEB
The Old English word for “spider” was “cob.”

SHIP STATE ROOMS
Traveling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after states.To this day cabins on ships are called state rooms.

SLEEP TIGHT
Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the frame in a criss-cross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag. The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better night’s sleep.

SHOWBOAT
These were floating theaters built on a barge that was pushed by a steamboat. These played small town along the Mississippi River. Unlike the boat shown in the movie “Showboat” these did not have an engine. They were gaudy and attention grabbing which is why we say someone who is being the life of the party is “showboating.”

OVER A BARREL
In the days before CPR a downing victim would be placed face down over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in a effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you are over a barrel you are in deep trouble.

BARGE IN
Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large barges pushed by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing into piers or other boats. People would say they “barged in.”

HOG WASH
Steamboats carried both people and animals. Since pigs smelled so bad they would be washed before being put on board. The mud and other filth that was washed off was considered useless “hog wash.”

CURFEW
The word “curfew” comes from the French phrase “couvre-feu,”, which means “cover the fire.” It was used to describe the time of blowing out all lamps and candles. It was later adopted into Middle English as “curfeu,” which later became the modern “curfew.” In the early American colonies, homes had no real fireplaces, so afire was built in the center of the room. In order to make sure a fire did not get out of control during the night it was required that, by an agreed upon time, all fires would be covered with a clay pot called-a “curfew.”

BARRELS OF OIL
When the first oil wells were drilled they had made no provision for storing the liquid so they used water barrels. That is why, to this day, we speak of barrels of oil rather than gallons.

HOT OFF THE PRESS
As the paper goes through the rotary printing press friction causes it to heat up. Therefore, if you grab the paper right off the press it is hot. The expression means to get immediate information.
 
Some Corrections to the Origins Post Above:

Our good friend Thataway Bob sent me a PM regarding some corrections to the term origins above which I thought I'd share with you.

Bob: You're Still as Sharp as Ever! :lol:

From: thataway
To: Sea Wolf
Posted: Wed Jan 25, 2017 7:57 pm
Subject: Origins Quote message

Hi Joe,

The thing which put me onto alert, is that the Buck knife was not "invented" until 1902--old, but not that old. There was a marker called a "buck" put in front of card dealers, but nothing to do with the buck knife.

Shot of Whisky-again legend, not correct--"The whiskey shot actually derives from an ancient Scandinavian word that became the Old English scéotan, to pay or contribute." (short form)

Barge in--not Mississippi River--but the word from Latin, An old sailing vessel, which was very shoal draft and flat bottom, thus could get inshore of the traditional merchant ships.

Barrel--Whiskey barrels--not water. They were 40 gallons, mostly--the current "Barrel" is 42 US gallons.

Hog Wash--nah--had to do with the Swill or kitchen waste, which was also called "wash" and fed to the pigs (hogs) in 16th century England.

The Showboats mostly correct--but the first one (troupe of actors, drifted down the river. The actors lived aboard the boats which also took passengers. They made enough money the first year to buy a steam powered vessel for the second year. Many of the Showboats were pushed by a tug--the steam engine often would have been in the part of the boat where the theater is located...--so that one is mostly true.

Keep up the laughs, We enjoy them
Bob
 
Seniors Take Note:

The Garage Door.

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing
his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told
her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door
was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..
 
That whole series is mostly hilarious! I started laughing and had to read all of them to Marie--who was trying to concentrate on the Sunday lack of news...

Take care,

Bob
 
Good Sailboat Racing Advice for All Your Life's Issues:

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision.
The road of life is paved with flat squirrels
who couldn't make a decision.

True, and funny as well, except for the squirrels. :(
 
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