Daily Laugh 2

A Man and an Ostrich

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders.

The man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," said the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returned with the order saying, "That will be $6.40 please." So the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then the ostrich said, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two entered again.

"The usual?" asked the waitress. "No, it is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," said the man. "Same for me," said the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress came with the order and said, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table.

The waitress couldn't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"


"Well," said the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" said the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," said the man.

The waitress asked, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighed, paused, and answered, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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Inane Definition
 
Subject: Catholic Horses

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies
and losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and
blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the
track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a
small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot,
the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously
waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each
one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew
all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell
him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the
last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This
time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't
even finish the race.

In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long
you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse
you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost
every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not
Catholic are you my son?"

No, I'm Jewish"

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the
difference between a blessing and last rites".
 
Who Will Get the Coveted Place?

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
 
tortilla.jpg
 
Missing wife in Texas

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sheriff: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sheriff: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sheriff: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climatecontrolled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: Take it easy, we'll find your truck.
 
A forest ranger sees a campfire burning in a no-camping area and goes to investigate. To his horror, he sees a man sitting by the fire, eating a bald eagle, roasted on an open spit. The ranger arrests him on the spot.

At the trial, the judge asks, "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

The defendant replies, "I do, your honor. But there are extenuating circumstances! Please let me explain myself."

The judge decides to allow it and the defendant launches into his tale of woe: "Well, you see, I got lost and I was wandering in circles for two weeks. I ran out of all the food I packed, and was so hungry. Next thing I see is a giant bird swooping down at the lake for some fish. I was hoping I could steal some fish from the eagle so I followed it down to the lake. So then I was trying to scare the eagle into dropping the fish, so I threw a rock at it. Unfortunately, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle right between the eyes, and he dropped dead. Well, you know, then I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since it was dead already, I might as well eat it as it would be a shame for it to have died in vain."

The judge is moved by this harrowing account, and decides to dismiss all the charges. Before he adjourns the court, he leans across the bench and whispers, "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

The defendant, now a free man, replies: "Well, your honor, the flavor is basically a cross between a california condor and a spotted owl."
 
That's Not Quite What I Had In Mind...


Sam had been in the computer business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he was just finishing dinner when someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Leon... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.

Thank you." As Leon was leaving he stopped, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he started to leave Leon stopped. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Leon turned from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear?"

Leon stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
 
Subject: Leather Dress

We might all need to rethink the leather dress ~ just assuming you have one!

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!?

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new truck.
 
He Just Wants to Drive the Car...

One day, a teenage boy was absolutely over the moon that he had just passed his driving test. Then, just as his father was expecting, the boy approached his dad asking when they'd be able to have a discussion about him using the family car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: "You need to bring your grades up from a C to a B, study the Bible, and get a haircut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about it for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they came to an agreement.

After about six weeks, his father said: "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying the Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't cut your hair yet."

The boy said: "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair - and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair!"

The dad nodded wisely, then leaned over and whispered to his son:

"Did you also notice they walked everywhere?"
 
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds;
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'

Not All Seniors Are Senile...
 
A man decides that he really needs a new car, but doesn't have enough money, so he prays for a new car at church on Sunday. His pastor overhears his murmured prayer and pulls him aside to explain that the giving of material goods is not how the lord works. The lord can only grant forgiveness and free the eternal soul from torture and guilt...

After deep consideration, the man steals a car and prays for forgiveness.
 
A man shows up at the Pearly Gates, St Peter asked him to tell his story as to why he was there.

He said that he and his wife were going to their favorite restaurant and there were 4 rough bikers standing at the door and they said some bad comments about his wife's anatomy.

He said that he felt that he needed to protect his wife's honor so he picked the biggest and baddest biker and walked up to him and yanked out his nose ring and then kicked him into the groin.

St. Peter said "When did this happen?"

He said "About 2 minutes ago".
 
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