Daily Laugh 2

Subject: The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

His dad replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
 
This is the new world we live in.
It is necessary to get with it.

Dearest Daddy,

I am coming home to get married soon, so get out your check book.

I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am in Australia , and he lives in Scotland ..

We met on E-harmony, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber.

My beloved Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding."

Lots of love and thanks,

Your favorite daughter, Lilly


In reply =


My dear Lilly,

Like Wow!

Really? Cool!

Whatever......

I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

Dad
 
Joke: Honey, Can You Hear Me?

An elderly man feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, but meanwhile, suggested a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens when I talk to her."

"Honey, what's for dinner?" He calls.
No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. He starts shouting.
"HONEY, what's for dinner?"
No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away.
"HONEY, what's for DINNER??".
No response.

So he walks right up behind her and screams:
"HONEY, WHAT'S FOR DINNER??!?!"

His wife turns to him a rage and screams.

"CHICKEN, CHICKEN! For the FIFTH TIME, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!"
 
An old woman’s car got a flat tire on the interstate one day, so she eased it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully stepped out of the car and opened the trunk. She then took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrived.

The officer, clearly enraged, approached the little old lady, yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, officer," she said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asked the officer.

"Mr. officer, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
 
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives (or vice versa):

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


4. A dog's parents never visit.


5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.


7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..


8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.


9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"


10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.


11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.


12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.


13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


To test this theory:

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.
 
FARM KID in the Marines


(PARIS ISLAND MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING )


Dear Ma and Pa,


I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.


I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.


Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.


Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.


We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.


The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.


This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.


Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and
130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.


Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.


Your loving daughter, Alice
 
Text Messages Can Get Misconstrued So Easily...


The First Text Message

Dear John, this is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.

I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

The Response

John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and went out into the garden for some fresh air. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor.


The Second Text Message

Hi John,

This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to ˜Wife”. Technology hey?? Hope you saw the funny side of that.

Regards, Alan.
 
Pearls of Wisdom:

· The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.

· My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

· My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 lbs I've gained since then.

· I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

· The speed with which a woman says "nothing", when asked "What's wrong?", is inversely proportional to the severity of the crap storm that's coming.

· Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday ... your life really sucks!

· The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

· On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

· I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

· I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

· What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?

· The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet is because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course, Opie -- all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
 
Freak of Navigation

The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia. The navigator had just finished working out a star fix and brought the master, Captain John Phillips, the result. The Warrimoo’s position was LAT 0ş 31' N and LON 179ş 30' W. The date was 31 December 1899.

“Know what this means?” First Mate Payton broke in, “We’re only a few miles from the intersection of the Equator and the International Date Line”. Captain Phillips was prankish enough to take full advantage of the opportunity for achieving the navigational freak of a lifetime. He called his navigators to the bridge to check and double check the ships position. He changed course slightly so as to bear directly on his mark. Then he adjusted the engine speed.

The calm weather and clear night worked in his favour. At midnight the SS Warrimoo lay on the Equator at exactly the point where it crossed the International Date Line!

The consequences of this bizarre position were many. The forward part (bow) of the ship was in the Southern Hemisphere and the middle of summer. The rear (stern) was in the Northern Hemisphere and in the middle of winter. The date in the aft part of the ship was 31 December 1899. Forward it was 1 January 1900.

This ship was therefore not only in two different days, two different months, two different seasons and two different years, but in two different centuries – all at the same time!

More & Reference:

http://www.mastermariners.org.au/2014-0 ... ss-warimoo

warrimoo2.jpg
 
I heard a simular story like this:

The Captain was asked since they were sailing across the time zone at the exact time so that they would have two Thursdays or two Fridays and the mate asked which would it be?

The Captain explained that there would be two Fridays.

The Mate asked why?

The Captain said that the cook prepared roast beef on Fridays and that was his favorite.
 
Took the grand-kids crabbing as part of a family camping trip. Two funny lines:

Our 6 yr old g-son upon seeing our dinghy: "I thought your boat was bigger".
Our 10 yr old g-daughter's name for said dinghy: "Marshmallow Boat".

:lol:
 
This Atheist Crosses Paths With a Bear

A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage. It was a beautiful day: fall colors, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.

While snapping shots, the photographer heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes.

He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running and running... And looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him! He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the man saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw... and the atheist cried out, "Oh, God, no!"

And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the man heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you've doubted my very existence, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?"

And the man thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done."

And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw. Then the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat.
 
:rose :rose :rose :rose :rose :rose :rose :rose :rose :rose :rose :rose :rose :

FEMALE MEDICAL EXAMINATION

During the medical examination of a female patient, the doctor says,

"Your heart, lungs, pulse, and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the part that gets all of you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her undies, but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! ….Just stick out your tongue!" :lol:

:rose2 :rose2 :rose2 :rose2 :rose2 :rose2 :rose2 :rose2 :rose2 :rose2 :rose2 :rose2 :rose2
 
Married 55 years - Priceless! ..

After being married for 55 years this month, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty-five years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 77-year-old woman. So I said to my wife "it seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
 
You Swindled the Wrong Guy!

After a thorough investigation, a rich gangster finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the mobster goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'.

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the money?"

The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'.

The attorney tells the gangster: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'.

The gangster pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!'

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'

'He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.'
 
Ah lawyers:

They're using lawyers now instead of lab rats to do experiments.
Three reasons:

!. They're more of them.
2. You can get a lawyer to do things a rat won't do.
3. The technicians don't get emotionally attached.
 
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