Daily Laugh 2

Psychiatrist vs Bartender

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”;

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”;

“How much do you charge?”;

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked.

“Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”;

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”;

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”;

It's always better to get a second opinion.
 
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
 
Wife's Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange.

We went to a nice restaurant for dinner. I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he said nothing about it. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was something I had done. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, and again he said nothing. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary: Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out!!



[Stolen from the interweb.]
 
Sea Wolf":ihrr07na said:
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
I always liked this one as well.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to fish and they'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
 
Two Hillbillies

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says: "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."
 
Several men are in the locker room of a yacht club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man answers it, engaging the loudspeaker function as he does so. Everyone in the room stops to listen to the conversation.

“Hey babe, I’m at the city center mall now and I found this gorgeous leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Can I buy it?” asks the woman at the other end.

“Sure, if you like it then go ahead!” replies the man.

“I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2016 models. There’s one I LOVE and it’s $98,000,” the woman continues.

“Okay, go ahead and buy it. Just make sure it comes with all the options for that price though,” the man says.

Pushing her luck even further, the woman asks: “Do you remember that house I wanted last year? Well, it’s back on the market for $980,000…”

“Make an offer of $900,000 – they’ll probably accept it. Go to $950,000 if you think it’s a really good price for the house,” the man replies.

“Okay honey, see you later! I love you so much – you’re so good to me,” the woman says.

“You’re worth it. Goodbye dear,” replies the man, and hangs up the call.

By this point, the men in the room are aghast, mouths wide open.

The man says: “Hey guys, does anyone know whose phone this is?”
 
Hope we haven't posted this before:

Joke: A Call From Beyond

Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life , Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit.

True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.

"Benny...Benny..."

"My gosh... Is that you, Dan?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

"Wow, Dan! Heaven sounds amazing!"

"What heaven? I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona.
 
This link Coast Guard Saves Very Stupid People contains plenty of profanity and is obviously a satirical "news" article. Nonetheless, I found it pretty funny. Warning - it may not be everyone's cup of tea so if profanity bothers you, don't go to the link. I do think Joe and Ken in particular will get a kick out of it.
 
rogerbum":311qpsu4 said:
This link Coast Guard Saves Very Stupid People contains plenty of profanity and is obviously a satirical "news" article. Nonetheless, I found it pretty funny. Warning - it may not be everyone's cup of tea so if profanity bothers you, don't go to the link. I do think Joe and Ken in particular will get a kick out of it.

Roger-

Right you are,my friend!

Speaking of speech patterns, try this one:



4 Year Old's first Paycheck... Too cute



Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too? "The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall..."
 
JEWISH, ITALIAN AND IRISH PARENTS

JEWISH MOTHER (A GEM)

The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again." "Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmaltzy; what on earth would I wear?"

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"
The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."
Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."



ITALIAN MOTHER


Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?"
Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"
Mama replies: "I don't like her."



AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON


I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .

I could hardly push the stroller back home.
 
Late last fall, the Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation
reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going
to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been
taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the
winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that
the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an
idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Environment Canada Weather Service
and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect
even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called he Environment Canada Weather Service
again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold
winter?"
"Yes," the man at Weather Service again replied, "It's going
to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the Environment Canada
Weather Service again.

"are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very
cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied "It's looking more and more like
it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting a ton of firewood.

Harvey
SleepyC:moon

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A Good story. Stagecoach drivers! ENJOY!


TRUCKEE, Calif. Western stagecoach companies were big business in
the latter half of the 19th century. In addition to passengers and
freight, stages hauled gold and silver bullion as well as mining
company payrolls.
Stage robbery was a constant danger and bandits employed many
strategies to ambush a stagecoach. Thieves rarely met with much
resistance from stage drivers, since they had passenger safety
foremost in mind. The gang was usually after the Wells Fargo money box
with its valuable contents. Passengers were seldom hurt, but they were
certainly relieved of their cash, watches and jewelry. Before the
completion of the transcontinental railroad over Donner Pass in 1868,
the only transportation through the Sierra was by stage. Rugged
teamsters held rein over six wild-eyed horses as they tore along the
precipitous mountain trails. The stagecoaches were driven by skilled
and fearless men who pushed themselves and their spirited horses to
the limit.
One of the most famous drivers was Charles Darkey Parkhurst, who had
come west from New England in 1852 seeking his fortune in the Gold
Rush. He spent 15 years running stages, sometimes partnering with Hank
Monk, the celebrated driver from Carson City. Over the years,
Pankhursts reputation as an expert whip grew.
From 20 feet away he could slice open the end of an envelope or cut a
cigar out of a mans mouth. Parkhurst smoked cigars, chewed wads of
tobacco, drank with the best of them, and exuded supreme confidence
behind the reins. His judgment was sound and pleasant manners won him
many friends.
One afternoon as Charley drove down from Carson Pass the lead horses
veered off the road and a wrenching jolt threw him from the rig. He
hung on to the reins as the horses dragged him along on his stomach.
Amazingly, Parkhurst managed to steer the frightened horses back onto
the road and save all his grateful passengers.
NO PATIENCE FOR CROOKS
During the 1850s, bands of surly highwaymen stalked the roads. These
outlaws would
level their shotguns at stage drivers and shout, Throw down the gold
box! Charley Parkhurst had no patience for the crooks despite their
demands and threatening gestures.
The most notorious road agent was nicknamed Sugarfoot. When he and
his gang accosted Charleys stage, it was the last robbery the thief
ever attempted.
Charley cracked his whip defiantly, and when his horses bolted, he
turned around and fired his revolver at the crooks. Sugarfoot was
later found dead with a fatal bullet wound in his stomach.
In appreciation of his bravery, Wells Fargo presented Parkhurst with a
large watch and chain made of solid gold. In 1865, Parkhurst grew
tired of the demanding job of driving and he opened his own stage
station. He later sold the business and retired to a ranch near
Soquel, Calif. The years slipped by and Charley died on Dec. 29, 1879,
at the age of 67.
A few days later, the Sacramento Daily Bee published his obituary. It
read; On Sunday last, there died a person known as Charley Parkhurst,
aged 67, who was well-known to old residents as a stage driver. He was
in early days accounted one of the most expert manipulators of the
reins who ever sat on the box of a coach. It was discovered when
friendly hands were preparing him for his final rest, that Charley
Parkhurst was unmistakably a well-developed woman!
NOT LIKE OTHER MEN, ER, WOMEN?
Once it was discovered that Charley was a woman, there were plenty of
people to say they had always thought he wasnt like other men. Even
though he wore leather gloves summer and winter, many noticed that his
hands were small and smooth. He slept in the stables with his beloved
horses and was never known to have had a girlfriend.
Charley never volunteered clues to her past. Loose fitting clothing
hid her femininity and after a horse kicked her, an eye patch over one
eye helped conceal her face. She weighed 175 pounds, could handle
herself in a fistfight and drank whiskey like one of the boys.
It turns out that Charleys real name was Charlotte Parkhurst.
Abandoned as a child, she was raised in a New Hampshire orphanage
unloved and surrounded by poverty. Charlotte ran away when she was 15
years old and soon discovered that life in the working world was
easier for men. So she decided to masquerade as one for the rest of
her life.
The rest is history. Well, almost. There is one last thing. On
November 3, 1868, Charlotte Parkhurst cast her vote in the national
election, dressed as a man.
She became the first woman to vote in the United States, 52 years
before Congress passed the 19th amendment giving American women the
right to vote.

Sure Hope You Enjoyed This Story.

From Wikipedia: Charlie Parkhurst
 
Joe, Way to go :!: That was great. I had a patient once, way back when, who at the age of 16 was driving 20 mule freight wagons from the Columbia River down to Klamath Falls and Lakeview, OR. When I knew her, she had just turned 100 years old.

Harvey
SleepyC :moon

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The Vacuum Won't Start!


A retired guy sits around the house all day so one day his wife says, “Joe, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week”.


The guy gives it a moment’s thought and says: “Sure why not. Where’s the vacuum?


Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. His wife says, “I didn't hear the vacuum running, I thought you were going to do the vacuuming”?


Exasperated, Joe answers,“The stupid thing is broken, it won’t start. We need to buy a new one”.


Click Here
 
Gandhi - Brilliant!

Gandhi ... A lovely little anecdote about one of life's more interesting characters.

When Mahatma Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a professor by the name of Peters disliked him intensely and always displayed animosity towards him. And because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected, there were always "arguments" and confrontations.
One day Mr Peters was having lunch at the University dining room when Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to him. The professor said,"Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat. "Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, "You do not worry, professor. I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.

Peters, red with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions.
Unhappy and frustrated, Mr Peters asked him the following question: "Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?"
Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "The one with the money, of course." Mr Peters, smiling sarcastically, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom." Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, "Each one takes what he doesn't have."

Mr Peters, by this time, was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "idiot" and handed it back to him. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk, trying hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move. A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Mr Peters, you autographed the sheet, but you did not give me a grade."
 
A true story along the same line of thought:

In our family restaurant the soft drink soda was drawn out of a box which was cooled by putting ice into the top part.
If you did not keep the ice full the soda came out warm and this did not keep the customers very happy.

I worked in this restaurant with my Brother-in-law and when I had a day off and came in the next day the box had no ice and was very warm.

I had a conference with my Brother-in-law about keeping the ice full. I said asked one of the employees to fill or fill it yourself. We must have cool soda to sell.

The next time I came in after a day off I looked at the box and it was full of ice.
On top of the ice was a piece of paper with a note that said "SURPRISE ASSHOLE". I took the note out to dry and saved it for later.

The next day when he came I sat down for a chat with him and said that I was very happy when I came in to work and checked the ice box to see that it was filled with ice.
I also noticed that there was a note to surprise me. I showed him the note and he was really smiling.

I said what I did not understand was why did you sign you name to it? His disposition changed very quickly.

Shortly after I chose to leave the family business.
 
Sorry, more Blonde Jokes:


Degrees of Blondness

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning .
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said
'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting
to know if the coast is clear.'


SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says,
'You dummy, it's me!'


THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when
she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her
purse to take out the gun and,
as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'


FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'


FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when
he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'


SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman,
sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew
what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said,
'That was the decision George Washington
had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'


SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked
to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported
the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call
on the radio and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby,
was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his
dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!'

EVEN IF YOU ARE BLONDE YOU HAVE TO LOVE THIS:

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when
a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery,"
announced #1 Blonde.

"Do what?" asked #2 Blonde .
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

I WARNED YOU!

Joe. :teeth :thup
 
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
 
Wise Adages-

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m - for example, it could be the right number.
 
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