Daily Laugh 2
- Thread starter Captains Cat
- Start date
While we're waiting for the one about the overweight nerd scientist, I'll drop this one on ya' ! (It's supposed to be an old one, but I've never heard it before.)
Thee guys who are great fishing buddies get caught in a freak ocean storm while fishing offshore for albacore, the boat overturns, and all three drown and arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven where Saint Peter is waiting for them.
Saint Peter asks them one at a time how they've lived their lives to determine whether they deserve to go to Heaven or Hell. Many, many deep, moral questions are posed. All pass within limits on these preliminary queries.
The final question has to do with marital fidelity, and the three answer somewhat differently.
The first fellow answers that he has been pretty faithful to his wife, having only cheated twice on her. Saint Peter ponders a bit, then says, "Well, OK, but you'll have to drive around Heaven in just a compact car because of your infidelity. Thank goodness we are currently having a special forgiveness period, or you'd have been sent to Hell".
The second fellow answers that he has been pretty faithful to his wife, having only cheated once on her. Saint Peter ponders a bit, then says, "Well, OK, but you'll have to drive around Heaven in just a mid-sized car because of your infidelity. Thank goodness we are currently having a special forgiveness period, or you'd have been sent to Hell".
The third fellow answers that he has always been faithful to his wife, never having cheated on her. Saint Peter then says, "Well then, very good, we'll have you driving around Heaven int a luxury sports car because of your excellent fidelity. Congratulations!"
So all three are outfitted with their deserving means of mobility for their stay in Heaven, and begin to enjoy lazy days doing everything imaginable within the rules and driving their cars.
Then one day all three arrive at an intersection at the same time. The first and second fellows notice that the Faithful One is crying his heart out in his luxury sports car.
"What's the matter with you?", they ask him.
He answers " I just saw my wife up here for the first time," he answers, "And she was riding around on a skateboard".
Thee guys who are great fishing buddies get caught in a freak ocean storm while fishing offshore for albacore, the boat overturns, and all three drown and arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven where Saint Peter is waiting for them.
Saint Peter asks them one at a time how they've lived their lives to determine whether they deserve to go to Heaven or Hell. Many, many deep, moral questions are posed. All pass within limits on these preliminary queries.
The final question has to do with marital fidelity, and the three answer somewhat differently.
The first fellow answers that he has been pretty faithful to his wife, having only cheated twice on her. Saint Peter ponders a bit, then says, "Well, OK, but you'll have to drive around Heaven in just a compact car because of your infidelity. Thank goodness we are currently having a special forgiveness period, or you'd have been sent to Hell".
The second fellow answers that he has been pretty faithful to his wife, having only cheated once on her. Saint Peter ponders a bit, then says, "Well, OK, but you'll have to drive around Heaven in just a mid-sized car because of your infidelity. Thank goodness we are currently having a special forgiveness period, or you'd have been sent to Hell".
The third fellow answers that he has always been faithful to his wife, never having cheated on her. Saint Peter then says, "Well then, very good, we'll have you driving around Heaven int a luxury sports car because of your excellent fidelity. Congratulations!"
So all three are outfitted with their deserving means of mobility for their stay in Heaven, and begin to enjoy lazy days doing everything imaginable within the rules and driving their cars.
Then one day all three arrive at an intersection at the same time. The first and second fellows notice that the Faithful One is crying his heart out in his luxury sports car.
"What's the matter with you?", they ask him.
He answers " I just saw my wife up here for the first time," he answers, "And she was riding around on a skateboard".
Some science/nerd jokes you might enjoy.
I found this hilarious! It's about life on a nuclear submarine and it's from from a San Jose State Computer Science Department Publication called Quora. Enjoy!
Military: Are there any members on Quora who have served in a nuclear submarine, if so what is it like?
Answered By Jeff Arndt, Served 4 years on a fast attack:
Here is a way you can simulate submarine life at home, it is pretty realistic from my experience of my 4 years on board a fast attack.
How to Simulate Life on a Submarine in your own home
Here is an interesting checklist for simulating submarine life at home.
1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Every 2 hours after you go to sleep, have someone whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack", or "Sign this!"
2. Don't eat any food that you don't get out of a can or have to add water to.
3. Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sunlight. Hang out in such areas as dark theaters, windowless buildings, closets, etc.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping. Squeegee and wipe down the stall when done.
5. Repeat back everything anyone says to you. Repeat back everything anyone says to you.
6. Sit in front of your TV set, with the antenna disconnected and watch for 6 hours. Report any unusual static patterns.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".
8. Don't watch T.V. Instead setup a 16mm projector and only watch movies that you don't like.
9. Don't do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded laundromat you can find.
10. Announce "Commence Snorkling!" Setup your lawnmower in your living room and run for at least 1 hour. Periodically hold your nose and mouth shut and try to blow out your eardrums.
11. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
12. Get a clipboard, paper, and leaky black ink pen, then take hourly readings on your electric and gas meters.
13. Sleep with your dirty laundry at your feet.
14. Invite guests, but don't have enough food for them.
15. Get some broken exercise equipment and mount it to the floor in your kitchen.
16. Store up all garbage for a week in your bathtub. Compact and dispose of once a week.
17. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
(Optional: Breakout a #10 can of ravioli or cold soup)
18. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.
19. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off :
Announce 'fire in the garage!'
Jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can.
Run into your garage and break out the garden hose.
Since there really wasn't a fire and everyone is up anyway have the kids clean the house.
20. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together (just in case they were about to break).
21. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
22. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.
23. Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then cook a dozen each morning.
24. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
25. Check your refrigerator compressor for "sound shorts".
26. Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.
27. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
28. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
29. Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep!" or "Torpedo in the Water!" , run into the kitchen, sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor.
30. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove Secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
31. Make the kids learn the location and operation of every light switch, outlet, circuit breaker, valve, appliance, fire extinguisher etc.. Don't let them watch any TV/movies until they can recite same from memory.
32. After 60 days or so; go load up the family in a taxi, go out to the worst part of town (preferably where English is a second language), and have dinner at the most run down bar or restaurant available.
33. Every few years cut a hole in your roof, hire a some workers to remove all furniture, appliances, electrial wiring, pipes etc. to a storage warehouse.
Go live in the neighbor's garage for a year or so then put it all back. *
34. Buy all food in cases and line the floor with them.
35. Spend 3 or 4 hours waxing your floors to perfection. Then, just before they dry, invite the whole neighborhood over to walk across them. Then do it again.
36. Stand on your roof once every four days for six hours in the winter and don't let anyone in your house.
37. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
38. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet at all times.
39. Post the Uniform Code of Military Justice on the wall across from your toilet. Highlight the parts that begin: "penetration however slight..."
40. Install a Furnace and Air Conditioner that blows directly on you while you are sleeping. Have the controls so they will cycle to hot and cold in a matter of seconds.
41. Install a multi-channel entertainment system over your bed that doesn't work.
42. Hookup your air compressor to the sewer line to the house and blow a shit geyser ten feet in the air. Come in side and tell you wife "calmly" I forgot to shut the valve and have her clean it up.
43. Start every story with "This is no-shit".
Military: Are there any members on Quora who have served in a nuclear submarine, if so what is it like?
Answered By Jeff Arndt, Served 4 years on a fast attack:
Here is a way you can simulate submarine life at home, it is pretty realistic from my experience of my 4 years on board a fast attack.
How to Simulate Life on a Submarine in your own home
Here is an interesting checklist for simulating submarine life at home.
1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Every 2 hours after you go to sleep, have someone whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack", or "Sign this!"
2. Don't eat any food that you don't get out of a can or have to add water to.
3. Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sunlight. Hang out in such areas as dark theaters, windowless buildings, closets, etc.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping. Squeegee and wipe down the stall when done.
5. Repeat back everything anyone says to you. Repeat back everything anyone says to you.
6. Sit in front of your TV set, with the antenna disconnected and watch for 6 hours. Report any unusual static patterns.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".
8. Don't watch T.V. Instead setup a 16mm projector and only watch movies that you don't like.
9. Don't do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded laundromat you can find.
10. Announce "Commence Snorkling!" Setup your lawnmower in your living room and run for at least 1 hour. Periodically hold your nose and mouth shut and try to blow out your eardrums.
11. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
12. Get a clipboard, paper, and leaky black ink pen, then take hourly readings on your electric and gas meters.
13. Sleep with your dirty laundry at your feet.
14. Invite guests, but don't have enough food for them.
15. Get some broken exercise equipment and mount it to the floor in your kitchen.
16. Store up all garbage for a week in your bathtub. Compact and dispose of once a week.
17. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
(Optional: Breakout a #10 can of ravioli or cold soup)
18. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.
19. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off :
Announce 'fire in the garage!'
Jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can.
Run into your garage and break out the garden hose.
Since there really wasn't a fire and everyone is up anyway have the kids clean the house.
20. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together (just in case they were about to break).
21. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
22. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.
23. Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then cook a dozen each morning.
24. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
25. Check your refrigerator compressor for "sound shorts".
26. Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.
27. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
28. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
29. Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep!" or "Torpedo in the Water!" , run into the kitchen, sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor.
30. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove Secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
31. Make the kids learn the location and operation of every light switch, outlet, circuit breaker, valve, appliance, fire extinguisher etc.. Don't let them watch any TV/movies until they can recite same from memory.
32. After 60 days or so; go load up the family in a taxi, go out to the worst part of town (preferably where English is a second language), and have dinner at the most run down bar or restaurant available.
33. Every few years cut a hole in your roof, hire a some workers to remove all furniture, appliances, electrial wiring, pipes etc. to a storage warehouse.
Go live in the neighbor's garage for a year or so then put it all back. *
34. Buy all food in cases and line the floor with them.
35. Spend 3 or 4 hours waxing your floors to perfection. Then, just before they dry, invite the whole neighborhood over to walk across them. Then do it again.
36. Stand on your roof once every four days for six hours in the winter and don't let anyone in your house.
37. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
38. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet at all times.
39. Post the Uniform Code of Military Justice on the wall across from your toilet. Highlight the parts that begin: "penetration however slight..."
40. Install a Furnace and Air Conditioner that blows directly on you while you are sleeping. Have the controls so they will cycle to hot and cold in a matter of seconds.
41. Install a multi-channel entertainment system over your bed that doesn't work.
42. Hookup your air compressor to the sewer line to the house and blow a shit geyser ten feet in the air. Come in side and tell you wife "calmly" I forgot to shut the valve and have her clean it up.
43. Start every story with "This is no-shit".
Blonde Joke # 997853 : (SORRY!)
BLONDE
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the side of the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the
zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde.
"But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
BLONDE
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the side of the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the
zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde.
"But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
Back in my "Drinkin' Days", my best friend Jack an I used to joke about all the crazy accidents
we could have working on and racing sailboats that would ultimately land us down in the Emergency Room at Kaiser
being examined by the ER Dr. and trying to explain our way out of it. What follows is a situation of a somewhat similar vein...........
THE TOILET SEAT
My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden
seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out.
After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she
returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the
shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that
the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed
and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I
undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I
drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
(Try to get a mental picture of this.) Julie tried to lighten the
embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never
seen anything like this before.”
The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them……I just never saw
one mounted and framed.”
we could have working on and racing sailboats that would ultimately land us down in the Emergency Room at Kaiser
being examined by the ER Dr. and trying to explain our way out of it. What follows is a situation of a somewhat similar vein...........
THE TOILET SEAT
My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden
seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out.
After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she
returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the
shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that
the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed
and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I
undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I
drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
(Try to get a mental picture of this.) Julie tried to lighten the
embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never
seen anything like this before.”
The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them……I just never saw
one mounted and framed.”
Pacificcoast101
Member
As the Winter sets in and the long, cold days and nights begin, we start wondering how the folks up North are going to cope with the tedium and boring lack of mental challenges.
Perhaps some insight can be seen in this joke produced from such conditions. -Joe.
Minnesota Logic . . .
Ole and his wife, Lena, moved back home to Minnesota from Arizona.
Lena had a wooden leg, and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000 per year!
When they arrived in Minnesota, they went to their insurance agent, Sven, to see how much it would cost to insure the leg.
Sven looked it up on his computer and told the couple, "That will be thirty-nine dollars."
Ole was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Minnesota to insure it, because it had cost him $2,000 in Arizona!
Sven turned to his computer screen and said, "Vell, here it is, direct from the Minnesota Fire Insurance Company.
It says: "Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is thirty-nine dollars."
Perhaps some insight can be seen in this joke produced from such conditions. -Joe.
Minnesota Logic . . .
Ole and his wife, Lena, moved back home to Minnesota from Arizona.
Lena had a wooden leg, and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000 per year!
When they arrived in Minnesota, they went to their insurance agent, Sven, to see how much it would cost to insure the leg.
Sven looked it up on his computer and told the couple, "That will be thirty-nine dollars."
Ole was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Minnesota to insure it, because it had cost him $2,000 in Arizona!
Sven turned to his computer screen and said, "Vell, here it is, direct from the Minnesota Fire Insurance Company.
It says: "Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is thirty-nine dollars."
A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who,in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter.
"Could you give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -- tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Sure will."*
The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player.*
"That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it -- that'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that can of axle grease over there?
Coat your gun with it."
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle, and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your arse, and it won't hurt as much."
The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter.
"Could you give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -- tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Sure will."*
The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player.*
"That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it -- that'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that can of axle grease over there?
Coat your gun with it."
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle, and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your arse, and it won't hurt as much."
Wandering Sagebrush
Free Range Human
A craft brewer was very proud of his special beer and wondered if he could have it patented. He sent a sample to a laboratory to get it chemically profiled. One week later he got this report:
"Dear Sir, we regret to inform you that your horse has diabetes."
"Dear Sir, we regret to inform you that your horse has diabetes."
Well Is It Cold ENOUGH For You? BURRRRRRR!
Subject: Squirrel Trying To Hide Nut In Dog, only 15 seconds long
It is only a 15 second video, but it keeps repeating if you want to watch more than once - and I think you will.
Click here
Squirrel Trying To Hide Nut In Dog
http://i.imgur.com/9hRi2jN
Subject: Squirrel Trying To Hide Nut In Dog, only 15 seconds long
It is only a 15 second video, but it keeps repeating if you want to watch more than once - and I think you will.
Click here
Squirrel Trying To Hide Nut In Dog
http://i.imgur.com/9hRi2jN
With all this "new stuff" around on the internet I have started exploring. Found out a little about "Face Book" and here it is:
Facebook
Facebook is an interesting phenomenon, particularly the concept of Facebook friends.
I thought I would try to make friends outside of Facebook while utilising the same principles.
Every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what shoes I have chosen to wear today and why, what I did last night and what I intend to do later - and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, pictures of my dog, photos of me gardening, dissembling things in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch - just doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations. I give them the "thumbs up" or, occasionally, the "thumbs down". I tell then that I like them - whether, in fact, I do or not.
Lo! it works just like Facebook. I already have four people following me - two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
Still think I'll pass :lol: :lol:
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
Facebook is an interesting phenomenon, particularly the concept of Facebook friends.
I thought I would try to make friends outside of Facebook while utilising the same principles.
Every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what shoes I have chosen to wear today and why, what I did last night and what I intend to do later - and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, pictures of my dog, photos of me gardening, dissembling things in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch - just doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations. I give them the "thumbs up" or, occasionally, the "thumbs down". I tell then that I like them - whether, in fact, I do or not.
Lo! it works just like Facebook. I already have four people following me - two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
Still think I'll pass :lol: :lol:
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
Old man comes into a restaurant, sits at his usual table, and orders the usual — chicken soup.
The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there.
“Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks.
“I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies.
“Is it too hot?” the waiter asks. “No.” “Too cold?” “No.” “Too salty?” “No.”
The waiter calls for the maitre d’, and for the chef, and each goes through the same routine: “Too hot?” “Too cold?” “No, no no.”
Finally the chef, at his wits end, says, “Sir, I will taste the soup myself. Where is the spoon?”
Says the old man: “A-ha!”
The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there.
“Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks.
“I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies.
“Is it too hot?” the waiter asks. “No.” “Too cold?” “No.” “Too salty?” “No.”
The waiter calls for the maitre d’, and for the chef, and each goes through the same routine: “Too hot?” “Too cold?” “No, no no.”
Finally the chef, at his wits end, says, “Sir, I will taste the soup myself. Where is the spoon?”
Says the old man: “A-ha!”
Retired Older Men Scam
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, Publix, B.J.'s, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works: Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Sept. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the retired men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, Publix, B.J.'s, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works: Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Sept. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the retired men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
AstoriaDave
New member
This is sea kayak-centric, but likely has broad appeal. Philip is not really demented, but perhaps his short experience at the claws of a polar bear did alter his outlook on life.
http://philiptorrens.com/2015/12/17/the ... s-version/
http://philiptorrens.com/2015/12/17/the ... s-version/
An elderly gentleman, well dressed, well groomed, lapel flower, and expensive aftershave, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an attractive elderly woman. The gentleman sits next to her, orders a drink, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor , where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
AND PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor , where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
AND PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
The End is Near
Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish in western Newfoundland, and
Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:
"THE END IS NEAR
TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW
BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."
From around the next curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
"Yah," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say
“BRIDGE CLOSED"?
Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish in western Newfoundland, and
Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:
"THE END IS NEAR
TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW
BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."
From around the next curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
"Yah," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say
“BRIDGE CLOSED"?