Winter PUNs - Cabin fever setting in?

There was a fellow who had some problems in his
life . His wife had left him, he had lost his job, and
was on the verge of bankruptcy. He was really depressed,
and thought he'd take a trip to the islands with the
last of his money.

It didn't help he only sank lower while on his vacation.
One day while hiking on the island, he found himself
on the edge of a cliff looking down on the ocean and beach
below, he was almost ready to jump when he noticed far
below on the beach, a little man dancing and running around
in circles. As he looked closer at the happy little man,
he noticed that the little fellow didn't have any arms, yet
still he was dancing and hopping around like he didn't have
a care in the world. The depressed fellow was so moved
by the happy display that he took a closer look at his own
problems, and decided that things were not as bad as he
had thought and he set off down the hill to thank the
little man with no arms.

When he arrived on the beach the little man was still
dancing and hopping around. Little man he said, stop
for a minute. When the little man stopped and looked
at him. The fellow said, little man, do you have any idea how
you have changed my life just a few minutes ago. I
was ready to jump from that cliff above because I was
so sad, and I saw you dancing and running around and
so happy I changed my mind. I decided, if that little fellow
could be so happy without any arms, my problems aren't
so bad either.

Dancing! the little man said, I wasn't dancing and I'm
not happy either I'm hopping around because my
butt itches and I can't scratch it. :D
 
I don't know, but his face rings a bell... :lol: :D :P !!! That classic stuff Captain's Choice. You "win" - no mas... I'm still laughing...

Thanks,
Roger on the SeaDNA
 
Horse Rider


A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding assisted without any experience or lessons.

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the Wall-Mart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off.

well it was the west entrance .... lol ..
 
RED SKELTONS TIPS





RED SKELTON'S -TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Calif. and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
 
A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00"

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would spend $5,000 to ship her home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00.

The man replied, "A man died 2000 years ago, was buried here,and three days later he rose from the dead'. I just can't take that chance.
 
CONFESSION

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell
me now.

Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
"You cannot attend church for three months.. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew...

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.
 
Here's Your Sign---

Number One Idiot of 2004
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2004
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747's. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2004
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2004
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "because I don't believe you are over 21. The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Five of 2004
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2004
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly! He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts.
Give him his sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2004
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Sign please.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please note:
All of the above people are allowed to vote (and breed).
Scary, isn't it?
 
Golden Age Math Paradox

A man sends the following email to his wife-

"You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, with your 54 year old body, can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight." When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are Also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference.... 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow."
 
APPLETON(AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Appleton, Wis. courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Green Bay Packers, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

My aplogies to Packer's fans. Could be set anywhere for any team...
 
Two Microsoft employees took the day off to go fishing. They borrowed Catman's 16' angler (Bambina) and launched it at Des Moines Marina. Trolling over by Point Robinson, having the right flasher and herring combo on their lines, they reached their limit in 45 minutes! One of the guys pulled out a can of red spray paint from his tackle box and painted a big "X" on the cockpit floor. The other one asked, "What's that about?" The first guy replied; "This is such a great spot, I want to make sure we can find it again next time we go fishing!"

Best regards, Leo.
 
A guy in Alaska - his wife is missing for about a week.

The sheriff shows up and says "I've got bad news, I've got good news and I've got great news"..
The guy says "Well give me the bad news"
Sheriff - "We found your wife - she was in 30' of water at the bottom of the bay"
Guy - "That's terrible. What's the good news?"
Sheriff - "When we pulled her up, she had 10 dungees and 3 king crab on her!"
Guy - "What's the great news?"
Sheriff - "We're pulling her up again tomorrow...."

Roger on the SeaDNA
 
An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy."

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Dodge Minivan, Dad. Now you'll have to live with it!"
 
TOP 8 COUNTRY SONGS

8. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

7. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

6. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

5. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

4. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

3. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

2. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger


And the number one country song is:

1. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
 
Remember when...........

Thought we'd pass this to those of a "certain age".
I came across this phrase in a book yesterday "FENDER SKIRTS".
A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.
Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted.
This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes.
In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.
I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an affectation.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down! Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr Coffee, I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the
endangered list. The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.
 
The following is dedicated to Da Nerd and is intended to provide comic relief to his recent go around with the building permit regulatory snafu encountered in getting the plans approved for the barn to be and does not entirely represent the sum total of my political opinions and experiences. Joe.

A NEW ELEMENT HAS BEEN DISCOVERED.


This hurricane mess and gasoline issues are proof that it exists.

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium". Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of
312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
 
"A NEW ELEMENT HAS BEEN DISCOVERED. "


:D That was great!
How about this one?

George W. Bush was giving an interview today and he was asked what he
thought of Roe vs. Wade.

He said he didn't care what method people used to get out of New Orleans.
 
Funny but real excerpts from resumes, job applications and cover letters:

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
"Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave."
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"Let's meet so you can 'ooh' and 'ah' over my experience."
"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
"I procrastinate, especially when the job is unpleasant."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Note: Please don't construe my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping.' I have never quit a job."
"Personal interests: donating blood - fourteen gallons so far."
"Marital status: often. Children: various."
"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
 
In reference to "Administratium" in the above post, this is just to clarify... While it is not Governmentium, is does have some striking resemblance.


The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0.
However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the
continuous exchange of meson like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every
reaction with which it comes in contact. According to the discoverer, a tiny amount of Administratium caused
one reaction to take over 4 days to complete. It would normally occur in less than 1 second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years. At this time, it does not actually decay, but
instead undergoes reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange
place. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increased after each reorganization.

Researchers at other labs indicated that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to
concentrate at certain points such as universities, government agencies, large corporations, and schools. The
element can be found in the newest, best-appointed, and best-maintained buildings.
 
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