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And another one......................

The Gunslinger & the Old Prospector

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one
day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a
drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied
his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the
dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon
with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger
looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever
danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did
dance. I just never wanted to."A crowd had gathered by then and the
gunslinger said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,"
and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned
around to go back into the saloon. The old man
reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers
back making a double clicking sound.

The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.

The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking
down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always
wanted to."

*** Moral!

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DON'T MESS WITH US OLD FARTS!!! ..


Charlie..... Also speaking for Sawdust and SeaWolf (possibly)
 
A husband and wife came in for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in their relationship.
She went on and on and on; neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as if in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied...
"Well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednsdays but on Fridays, I fish."
 
(from a "certain aged" friend)

I came across this phrase yesterday "FENDER SKIRTS".

A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice like "curb feelers"

And "steering knobs." (AKA) suicide knob

Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."

I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."

Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?
(watching the safety Nazis cringe here--LJ)

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store- bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted This floors me.

On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting."

Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now. "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.

I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered movie an affectation.

Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"

Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a "certain age" would remember most of these. Certainly Charlie, Dusty and Seawolf Joe will....
 
CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS. HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS....................................


HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!
 
Sneaks - I remember every one of those words. Another one is girdle. I wonder how many know what one is and how many women use to wear one?.
________
Dave dlt.gif
 
Don, I'm not so sure the last one of yours belongs on the Daily Laugh thread. It isn't really as funny as it is sad - even at my young age (now that's funny!).
 
The supper/dinner thing can be a bit confusing. My relatives in the south (North Carolina) still use both terms. However, down there, supper is the noon meal and dinner the evening one. Lunch is a foreign term.
 
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench
one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and
wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what
he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you
have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about
this shit but me."
 
Tennessee Ten Commandments

Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall
nots" in the Ten commandments. . Folks just aren't used to
talking in those terms. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together
and translated the "King James" into "Jackson County" language,.... no
joke, read on... The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at
Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN.)
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma &Pa.
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin.'
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice
day.
 
These are from a book called , and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. It's worth reading to the end! Those of you who have worked with attorneys will find this very easy to understand. Others will find it easier.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
With sincere apologies to my dear friend and very highly respected C-Brat, Pat Anderson:


On their way to get married, a young couple is
involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the
Pearly Gates waiting for St.Peter to process them
into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to
wonder:could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter
says, " I don't know. This is the first time anyone
has asked. Let me go find out, " and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months
passed; the couple was still waiting. As they
waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to
get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect
of it all. "

What if it doesn't work? " they wondered, " Are we
stuck together FOREVER? "

After yet another month, St . Peter finally returns,
looking somewhat bedraggled. " Yes, " he informs the
couple, " you can get married in Heaven. "

" Great! " said the couple, " But we were just
wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we
also get a divorce in Heaven? "

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard
onto the ground.

" What's wrong? " asked the frightened couple.

" OH, COME ON! " St. Peter shouts, " It took me
three months to find a priest up here! Do you have
ANY idea how long it's going to take me to find a
LAWYER? "
 
Never Upset a Texas Woman

A Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to catch her husband in bed
with another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting calves, she
dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed
out back of the barn.

She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then cranked it down so tight he
almost fainted, then she removed the handle.

The cowboy frantically pulled and tugged but could not free his smashed
member. Then she picked up an old, rusty carpenter's saw.

The frightened cowboy screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off
are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her
husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and
go to town for a cold beer.

You do whatever you want."
 
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee

when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the

nearby cemetery.



A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about

50 feet behind the first one.



Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a

leash.

Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single

file.



The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the

woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know

now

is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this."



"Whose funeral is it?"



"My husband's."



"What happened to him?"



The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him"



She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"



The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help

my husband when the dog turned on her."



A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two

women.



"Can I borrow the dog?"



"Get in line."
 
Airline cabin announcements

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some
real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit
where you
want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight
attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture
here,
find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it! 's
something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out
of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
we're
SURE everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245
to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting
with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick
your
favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake
City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a
bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain in
your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left
of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited,
smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that,
in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in
the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone
had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir,
do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot.
"What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot
down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, ! "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage
to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we
hope
you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if
you can
light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead
is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now
sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking
to
you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in
my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach
yelled,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
 
After a long flight in coach from Los Angeles, a jet-lagging passenger is being questioned by an Australian Customs Officer.
"Do you have a criminal record"
"No, I didn't know it is still required"
 
Grammar Rules to Remember

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
 
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.


After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.


Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Children are a gift from God," he said.


Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."


And the congregation said, "Amen!"
 
WHY WHY WHY???

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Caty
 
And one last one!

Why do you always find something in the last place you look?

I guess when you think about it, why would you keep looking after you find it? :shock:

Charlie
 
Three third graders from Southern Indiana, or KY or TN or GA

(an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid)

are on the play ground at recess.

The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has
the largest weenie," he says. "Okay." They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly
shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not
only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him
what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a
math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my
friends and I played a new game called "Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had
the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true,
Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one
 
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