Daily Laugh
- Thread starter Sea Wolf
- Start date
- Status
A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said "2-4 years!"
April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... Power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
The other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911 .....
"duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
Female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again,
Opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
Marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said "2-4 years!"
April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... Power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
The other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911 .....
"duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
Female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again,
Opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
Marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
Told by my blonde: A plane late arriving, passengers missing connections, the next flight due to leave at any moment. As the other agents closed up and left at the end of the huge, frantic crush at the ticket counter, the very last passenger moaned and said to the very last agent, "Aw geez, all this and I have to draw the ditzy blonde. Hey listen, sweetie, how do I get to Detroit now?"
"I have absolutely no idea," she replied." I'm just a ditzy blonde," and closed up.
"I have absolutely no idea," she replied." I'm just a ditzy blonde," and closed up.
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember . . . .
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said,
"Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite." (Do you know this guy? Beware.)
13. Definition of a teenager....... God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said,
"Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite." (Do you know this guy? Beware.)
13. Definition of a teenager....... God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
> NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
>
> DAMNITOL
> Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for
> up to 8 full hours.
>
>
> EMPTYNESTROGEN
> Suppository that eliminates melancholy and
> loneliness by reminding you of
> how awful they were as teenagers and how you
> couldn't wait till they moved
> out.
>
> ST. MOMMA'S WORT
> Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
> rendering preschoolers
> unconscious for up to two days.
>
> PEPTOBIMBO
> Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full
> cups swallowed before an
> evening out increases breast size, decreases
> intelligence, and prevents
> conception.
>
> DUMBEROL
> When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously
> low IQ, resulting in
> enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
>
> FLIPITOR
> Increases life expectancy of commuters by
> controlling road rage and the urge
> to flip off other drivers.
>
> MENICILLIN
> Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases
> resistance to such lethal
> lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
>
>
> BUYAGRA
> Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
> Increases potency, duration,
> and credit limit of spending spree.
>
> JACKASSPIRIN
> Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember
> your birthday,
> anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet
> seat.
>
> ANTI-TALKSIDENT
> A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
> anyone too eager to share
> their life stories with total strangers in
> elevators.
>
> NAGAMENT
> When administered to a boyfriend or husband,
> provides the same irritation
> level as nagging him.
>
>
>
> DAMNITOL
> Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for
> up to 8 full hours.
>
>
> EMPTYNESTROGEN
> Suppository that eliminates melancholy and
> loneliness by reminding you of
> how awful they were as teenagers and how you
> couldn't wait till they moved
> out.
>
> ST. MOMMA'S WORT
> Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
> rendering preschoolers
> unconscious for up to two days.
>
> PEPTOBIMBO
> Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full
> cups swallowed before an
> evening out increases breast size, decreases
> intelligence, and prevents
> conception.
>
> DUMBEROL
> When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously
> low IQ, resulting in
> enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
>
> FLIPITOR
> Increases life expectancy of commuters by
> controlling road rage and the urge
> to flip off other drivers.
>
> MENICILLIN
> Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases
> resistance to such lethal
> lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
>
>
> BUYAGRA
> Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
> Increases potency, duration,
> and credit limit of spending spree.
>
> JACKASSPIRIN
> Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember
> your birthday,
> anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet
> seat.
>
> ANTI-TALKSIDENT
> A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
> anyone too eager to share
> their life stories with total strangers in
> elevators.
>
> NAGAMENT
> When administered to a boyfriend or husband,
> provides the same irritation
> level as nagging him.
>
>
CatyMae n Steve
New member
and, Brent, you should mention the new drug that most older men seem to take, noassatol -- self explanatory.
psssst, moderators, can I say that? :moon
Caty
psssst, moderators, can I say that? :moon
Caty
CatyMae n Steve
New member
Zydecomo":29w0rekw said:
ahhh, but there's no g in noassatol....they seem to have plenty of gas with age...hmm aged gas....callin my screen saver...not a pretty picture!
starcrafttom
Active member
The difference between “having guts” and “having balls” is the following:
o “Having Guts” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”
o “Having Balls” is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and having the balls to slap your wife on the ass and say, “Upstairs fatty. You’re next!”
o “Having Guts” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”
o “Having Balls” is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and having the balls to slap your wife on the ass and say, “Upstairs fatty. You’re next!”
> Two Southerners were having the blue plate special
> at their favorite
> watering hole, when they heard an awful choking
> sound. They turned around to
> see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from
> wolfing down a
> Specialty Burger too fast.
>
> The first Southerner said to the other, "Think we
> otta hep?"
>
> "Yep," said the second.
>
> The First Southerner got up and walked over to the
> lady and asked "Kin yew
> breathe?"
>
> She shook her head no.
>
> "Kin yew speak?" he asked.
> She again shook her head no.
>
> With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her
> skirt and licked her on
> the butt. She was so shocked that she coughed up the
> obstruction and began
> to breathe with great relief.
>
> The First Southerner turned back to his friend and
> said, "Funny how that
> there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."
>
> at their favorite
> watering hole, when they heard an awful choking
> sound. They turned around to
> see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from
> wolfing down a
> Specialty Burger too fast.
>
> The first Southerner said to the other, "Think we
> otta hep?"
>
> "Yep," said the second.
>
> The First Southerner got up and walked over to the
> lady and asked "Kin yew
> breathe?"
>
> She shook her head no.
>
> "Kin yew speak?" he asked.
> She again shook her head no.
>
> With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her
> skirt and licked her on
> the butt. She was so shocked that she coughed up the
> obstruction and began
> to breathe with great relief.
>
> The First Southerner turned back to his friend and
> said, "Funny how that
> there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."
>
This reminded me of a gripe from an F-111 pilot back in 1978 at Mt. Home AFB, Idaho. The write-up went something like, "Number 2 engine sounds like it has little green men inside running around with tap-shoes on." The fix was, "Confiscated tap shoes and replaced with tennis shoes"
This all explains the most-used corrective action on any flight line in the world, "CND - Could Not Duplicate"[/quote]
I can read it. Can you?
Fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
Fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
Alyssa Jean
New member
I hvae seen tihs bferoe. Tought ti wsa itnrestnig tehn aslo.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT
ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER
CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T
ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND
STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE
RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND
ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO
OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO
SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO
CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH
THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT",
WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE. "HELL,
AT OUR AGE, WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL."
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S
EATIN' MY POPCORN."
ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER
CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T
ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND
STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE
RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND
ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO
OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO
SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO
CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH
THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT",
WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE. "HELL,
AT OUR AGE, WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL."
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S
EATIN' MY POPCORN."
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman In a brand new Cadillac
doing 65 mph With her
Face up next to her
Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
For a couple seconds
!
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
My electric shaver,
Which knocked
The donut
Out of my other hand.
In all
The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
it knocked
my cell phone
away from my ear
which fell
into the coffee
between my legs,
splashed,
and burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone,
soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an
important call.
Damn women drivers!!
__________________________________________________________
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman In a brand new Cadillac
doing 65 mph With her
Face up next to her
Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
For a couple seconds
!
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
My electric shaver,
Which knocked
The donut
Out of my other hand.
In all
The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
it knocked
my cell phone
away from my ear
which fell
into the coffee
between my legs,
splashed,
and burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone,
soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an
important call.
Damn women drivers!!
__________________________________________________________
THE BLONDE AND THE LORD
>
> A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many
> books on the subject,
> and finally getting all the necessary tools
> together, she made for the
> ice.
>
> After positioning her comfy footstool, she started
> to make a circular cut
> in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
>
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>
> Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
> poured a thermos of
> cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again
> from the heavens the
> voice bellowed,
>
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>
> The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to
> the opposite end of the
> ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again
> to cut her hole.
>
> The voice came once more,
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>
> She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
> "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
>
> The voice replied,
>
> "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"
>
> A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many
> books on the subject,
> and finally getting all the necessary tools
> together, she made for the
> ice.
>
> After positioning her comfy footstool, she started
> to make a circular cut
> in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
>
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>
> Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
> poured a thermos of
> cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again
> from the heavens the
> voice bellowed,
>
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>
> The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to
> the opposite end of the
> ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again
> to cut her hole.
>
> The voice came once more,
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>
> She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
> "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
>
> The voice replied,
>
> "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"
Subject: Doctor Input into Hospital
> Expansion..............
>
> When the hospital Board of Directors asked a panel
> of doctors to
> vote on
> adding a new wing to their hospital, there was a lot
> of contention in
> the
> Board Room.
>
> The Allergists voted to scratch it and the
> Dermatologists advised no
> rash
> moves.
>
> The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it,
> but the Neurologists
> thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and
> the Obstetricians
> stated they were all laboring under a
> misconception.
>
> The Ophthalmologists considered the idea
> short-sighted; the
> Pathologists
> yelled, "Over my dead body," while the Pediatricians
> said, "Grow up!"
>
> The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was
> madness, the Surgeons
> decided
> to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the
> Radiologists could see
> right through it.
>
> The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to
> swallow; the Plastic
> Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the
> matter".
>
> The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
> the Urologists
> felt the
> scheme wouldn't hold water.
>
> The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a
> gas, and the
> Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
>
> And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision
> up to some asshole.
>
> Expansion..............
>
> When the hospital Board of Directors asked a panel
> of doctors to
> vote on
> adding a new wing to their hospital, there was a lot
> of contention in
> the
> Board Room.
>
> The Allergists voted to scratch it and the
> Dermatologists advised no
> rash
> moves.
>
> The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it,
> but the Neurologists
> thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and
> the Obstetricians
> stated they were all laboring under a
> misconception.
>
> The Ophthalmologists considered the idea
> short-sighted; the
> Pathologists
> yelled, "Over my dead body," while the Pediatricians
> said, "Grow up!"
>
> The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was
> madness, the Surgeons
> decided
> to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the
> Radiologists could see
> right through it.
>
> The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to
> swallow; the Plastic
> Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the
> matter".
>
> The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
> the Urologists
> felt the
> scheme wouldn't hold water.
>
> The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a
> gas, and the
> Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
>
> And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision
> up to some asshole.
>
- Status