Daily Laugh

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How the "Left" Stole Christmas.

T'was the month before Christmas
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying
Nor taking a stand.
Why the Politically Correct Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a " Holiday ".
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace.
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Dream Tree"
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday
 
As much as it pains me, I have to warn you that there has been a dreadful accident !!!!!!!!!

As we all know, the earth's population is steadily increasing and Santa's work load has grown exponentially!! A faster, more efficient delivery system was mandatory.

Apparently , santa and his support group, emergency levitation velocity endurance sustainers, (aka elves) were conducting their final live test before certifying the new delivery system to move santa further and faster than previously possible. The new generation of turbo thrust reindeer had been run through several preliminary tests, and this was the final stage of evaluation.
Regretfully, their avoidance radar failed !!

You can click HERE to see what happened.
 
Top Four Adult Jokes of 2006




Fourth Place :

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes

into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."




Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his

wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist

appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.

"The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"




Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number

of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a

terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle

slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about

it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the

compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his

wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. What's wrong,

Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this

tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

Yes, I did." he replied.

My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

Oh...she got fired too."




>Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the

breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years

ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a

jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,

"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
 
The Chili Tester

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous
celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one
else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the
last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the
event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
out.Hope that's the worst one.
These hicks are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer
line.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest.

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills
so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates
me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number
3.
He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just
suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and
pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: -------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
 
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down, when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day, "little" sister called and asked me to go over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone, when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once, before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."


I was stunned and frozen in shock, as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. ! I stood there for a moment, then turned and and rushed straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.


Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"


And the moral of this story is: ALWAYS keep your condoms in your car.
 
Anybody besides me have kids who read the stuff on this site? I may need to ban my own little girls.
 
Subject: Mental Health Christmas



* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?



* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are



* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas



* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me



* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....



* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me



* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire



* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why



* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?



* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
 
TyBoo":l4vip4tf said:
Anybody besides me have kids who read the stuff on this site? I may need to ban my own little girls.
Click to expand...

My kid's too old to worry about this kind of stuff but even a left wing liberal like me can see a reason to attempt to keep things a little "cleaner".
 
rogerbum":3b771r26 said:
TyBoo":3b771r26 said:
Anybody besides me have kids who read the stuff on this site? I may need to ban my own little girls.
Click to expand...

My kid's too old to worry about this kind of stuff but even a left wing liberal like me can see a reason to attempt to keep things a little "cleaner".
Click to expand...

Yeah, I agree, let's don't have this stuff, it goes beyond "Nice". Many of us don't even say "he**" on here.

Charlie
 
How To Clean Your Toilet:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to lean on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noise; the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket outside.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely, The Dog [aha! ed.]

Now don't go sending me prissy notes. I dote on cats and dogs, but also know their funny ways.
 
A NAVY STORY...

A young Navy Officer was in a bad car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command Master Chief position.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with a Seabee Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Seabee Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Master Chief.
"And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Seabee Master Chief replied, "Well it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one flamin' ear."
________
Dave dlt.gif
 
Captains Choice":d0912nm2 said:
Yes, great story. Bet he didn't say FLAMIN' though!! :oops:

That's not a Navy word...

Charlie :D
Click to expand...
Charlie, if I used the Navy word, Mike would have to ban his girls from this thread.
_________
Dave dlt.gif
 
You're right, didn't mean you should have used "Freaking" :cry

Oh, wait, that's not a Navy word either!! :embarrased

Charlie

Time to "splice the mainbrace" here in Northern VA. Just got word that the contingency has been lifted on our house sale, it'll close on 2 Feb, then I'll be down to only two houses, the River one and Downeast Maine. Thank God! Wait, can I say that.... Oh well, don't care...
 
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like. Night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers

4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20 Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24. Inside every old person is a younger person wondering what happened.

25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.
 
For Rent Specials:

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Take this CASTLE featured on the Exclusive North Shore.

Over 40 rooms of pure elegance await your every command, right down to the twin black powder cannons down at the beach shelter that you and your guests can use to challenge each other to a game of marksmanship as you fire out into the lake at selected stationary or random moving targets.

IM002197.sized.jpg


On the other hand, if your find your tastes running back to the simple approach to living, check out this attractive bungalow nestled amongst the sagebrush and pines. Featuring a full service personal outdoor accomodation station with 360 degree views by AT&T, and powered by gravity, you'll relish the simple life away from the complications of urban living.


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Whatever your vacation needs, we're here to serve you! Eagle Lake Rentals, where the Haves Meet the Have-Nots! (Not!)

(These places really exist, including the cannons and the outdoor toilet, but the rental business is just for our entertainment.)

Joe.
 

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