Daily Laugh

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The following is a joke that I shared with a few of you a while back and thought the rest of you might enjoy it. (Pat, I'm sure you'll especially enjoy it.... :wink ).


A Police Officer was being cross examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.....

Q: "Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer....who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes sir. With my life!"

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room were you change your clothes in preperation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: "You see sir, we share the building with the court complex and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."


The courtroom erupted in laughter and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line....and we think he'll win.
 
Why We Love Children!!


1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the
shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then, "she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother . "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On a Clear Day A BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING
THAT HIS
ZIPPER

WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA IS WIDE OPEN HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM
AND
SAID "BOSS THIS MORNING WHEN YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE, DID YOU CLOSE YOUR
GARAGE
DOOR?" THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE THAT HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD, SO HE WENT INTO

HIS OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED. WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE WITH HIS
PAPERWORK
HE SUDDENLY NOTICED THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS NOT ZIPPED UP! HE ZIPPED UP
AND

REMEMBERING WHAT HIS SECRETARY HAD TOLD HIM, FINALLY UNDERSTOOD . THEN

HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF COFFEE FROM HIS
SECRETARY.

WHEN HE REACHED HER DESK, HE SAID, "WHEN YOU SAW THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN
DID YOU SEE MY JAGUAR PARKED IN THERE?"

THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT AND SAID, "NO BOSS I DIDNT, ALL I
SAW

WAS A MINI VAN WITH 2 FLAT TIRES."
 
Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city one evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.

"Help me, I've been mugged and beaten," he pleaded.

The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague, "You know, the person who did this really needs help."
 
Little Three year old boy was sitting in the bathtub his mother giving him a bath. He pointed to his testicles and asked, are these my brains? She replied, NO NOT YET.
 
One of the only clean jokes I know:


A guy was driving through the big city one Saturday afternoon in his convertible. The cop at the corner sees him go by & notices that he has 3 penguins in the back seat.

The cop pulls him over & says "Hey! You need to get those penguins to a zoo!".


The next Saturday, the same cop on the same corner sees the same guy driving the same convertible by with 3 penguins in the back seat, only this time, they're all wearing sunglasses.

The cop pulls him over & says 'Hey! I thought I told you last week to take those penguins to the zoo!"

The guy says "Yes! And we had such a great time, this week we're going to the beach!!"


:smiled :smiled
 
Are ya havin' a Bad Day?
Well, then, consider this...


In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in
the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m.,
regardless of their medical condition.



This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had
something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the
mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. On
Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to
investigate the cause of the incidents.



The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m. , all
of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to
see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy
objects to ward off the evil spirits.



Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the
part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the
life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.



Having a Bad Day?



The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special
ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being
released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from
onlookers.


A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.



Still think you are having a Bad Day?


A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of
wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she
whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in
two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening
to his Walkman.



STILL think you're having a Bad Day?



Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly,
all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken
fence, stampeding madly.


The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.



What?? STILL having a Bad Day?


Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on
it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown
to bits.



There now, feeling better?
 
A farm wife called the local phone
company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene,
curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and
dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, thetelephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground
wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current
when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start
moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus
causing the phone to ring


... which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed
by pissing and moaning
_________________
 
WILL I LIVE TO BE...80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that red meat is very unhealthy!"

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, hiking, or bicycling?"

No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a little too much sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why would you want to live till you’re 80."
 
It is time for you all to have a little humor enter your everyday life....so,
give this a try.....

Writing for Fun

This year's 10 winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, aka "Dark and Stormy
Night Contest" (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University),
wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in
the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."

9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."

8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue
eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for
competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied
description."

7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept
along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was
about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become
the woman he loved."

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from
eeking out a living at a local pet store."

4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins
often do."

3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of
the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the
eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

AND THE WINNER IS...

1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the
greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in
frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,
disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You
lied!"
 
MARRIAGE SEMINAR


While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom
and his wife Grace listened to the instructor.
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes
and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite
flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?"


WIFE VS HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men..."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and
then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the
Bible that the man should brew the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed
him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........
"HEBREWS"



The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at
5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning,
the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his
flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened
him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It
is
5:00 AM. Wake up."
(Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.)


God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece.
 
Bishop And The Ass

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.
 
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Mike- Thanks! I undersand. If these are too racy, just say so!

Joe.

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
 
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of
an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.


The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is
a bottle of cough syrup!


Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,


(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)



The coffin stops


Happy Halloween!
 
Thought this was pretty funny:

Medical Problems





True Confessions of Doctors

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that
there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.


2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths, big
breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse
told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new
one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk,

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR


6.. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this
morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI.

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for
immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the
surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short
note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the
lawn".

Submitted by RN no name


8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No
doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Dr. wouldn't submit his name
 
Very good Joe, I'll give you the version I heard on one of those when I get this one posted. My daughter sent me this one...

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle-Me-Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at the Tickle-Me-Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle-Me-Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle-Me-Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter! After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!"


-------------------------------------------------------------------
And a slightly different version of one of yours...

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an young female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths, big
breaths," I instructed. "Yeth she lisped proudly, and I'm only thixteen,"


Charlie
 
7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher sa id it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, " They will in a minute."



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jen nifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."



A teacher wa s giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
 
One Particular Christmas...

One particular Christmas, a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. Alas, there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves just weren't producing the toys as fast as the regular ones. Poor Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus announced that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were

about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress. Furthermore, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground scattering the toys everywhere. Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

...... And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Merry Christmas and I hope you were gentle putting your angel on the tree.
 
AMA Medical bulletin




American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from
receiving

chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know
 
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