Daily Laugh

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If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the humorist who once said,
"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
" His mind sees things differently than most of us do; here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now
.
19 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
 
IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
I'VE HAD THIS SAME CONVERSATION IN SACRAMENTO & AT SEATEC IN WASHINGTON STATE.
 
Worries while flying
Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left.

However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.

However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
 
I thought about posting the following on the thread that is currently running entitled "Lets Keep Track of Good and Bad Customer Service" but decided rather than posting the following on that thread I've chosen to post it here.

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:

Banking - 'Service'
Postal - 'Service'
Telephone - 'Service'
Pay TV - 'Service'
State & Public - 'Service'
Customer - 'Service'
Bureaucratic - 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to 'Service' his cows.

Suddenly WOW!!! IT ALL CAME CLEAR. NOW i UNDERSTAND WHAT ALL THOSE AGENCIES ARE DOING TO US!
 

Ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper. (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?) .... Isn't that where Casey lives?


FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
------------------------------ ----------------------


LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
------------------------------ ----------------------
SERENITY NOW :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
------------------------------ ----------------------


WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
------------------------------ ----------------------


BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
------------------------------ ----------------------


MEMORIES :
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
together.
------------------------------ ----------------------


MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Not in running condition, but walks well.
 
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2013 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
of three.

4. You e-mail and text the person who works at the desk
next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and
family is that they don't have e-mail or text addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone
to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom
of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't
even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is
now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting
your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to
forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't
a #9 on this list
 
I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Sorry, someone sent them to me so I sent them to you!
 
LOL

A doctor, a dentist and an attorney were in a boat together when a wave came along and washed them all overboard. Unable to get back into the boat, they decided two would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to shore for help.

They noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and land. Without a word the lawyer took off! As he swam the sharks move aside. The dentist yelled, "it's a miracle!"

"No", said the doctor, "That's professional courtesy!"
 
Politically Correct Admiral Nelson at Trafalgar


Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for
the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get
hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."
 
Much of the cellphone owning world has no clue or interest in being polite to those around them, conducting extended, loud, non-urgent conversations
in close quarters where they are clearly disturbing others. This is a great idea on how to get rude cellphone users to cease and desist :)

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell
phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,

"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
 
My 6 yr old g-daughter is reading about astronomy. She tells my wife and I, "Did you know you can fit 187 Earths in Uranus!"

We start laughing like idiots.
 
localboy":39p4oc7x said:
My 6 yr old g-daughter is reading about astronomy. She tells my wife and I, "Did you know you can fit 187 Earths in Uranus!"

We start laughing like idiots.
Click to expand...

One of my brothers in law, who worked for NASA at the JPL in Pasadena, would always pronounce Uranus with a different emphasis, (UR' anes) designed to not sound like Your Anus, which I assume was NASA PC Protocol to avoid all the unintended bathroom humor. Enough said about Uranus, a somewhat obscure point of discussion, I'd think.

Joe. :teeth :thup
 
This is sort of funny, not sure if it's true but I saw it on the internet so it must be... :roll:

Why we shoot deer in the wild:
(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up
on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step
in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they
congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was
mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk
me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in
there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on
their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and
their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would ot work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different
strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not
immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer
 
Woman Sues Hospital

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne
Maynard, has sued St Lukes hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.


A hospital spokesman replied, Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in

Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight.
 
Captains Cat":2oeopoey said:
This is sort of funny, not sure if it's true but I saw it on the internet so it must be... :roll:

Why we shoot deer in the wild:
(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried

............

All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer
Click to expand...

If Robb White was still living, I would swear it was his writing. That's funny... And I suspect it's true.
 
Beard Tax

Hairless faces were all the rage in Europe in 1705. And in wanting to make his country more "fashionable," Peter I of Russia decided to tax the beard. The fee for being follicular could be as much as 100 rubles for nobility, but as little as 1 kopek for the "lesser classes." The law was later changed to tax only beards with two or more week's growth. Think being an accountant is boring these days? Back then you had to watch beards grow.

Wallpaper Tax

From 1712 to 1836, Britain (The Original Home of Weird TaxesTM) had a tax on all painted, printed, and patterned wallpaper. The fee could be as much as 1 shilling per square yard of wallpaper. Adjusted for inflation and converted to real money, that's about $4.24 in today's currency. Per square yard. We're guessing that a lot of people at that moment realized that bare walls didn't look that bad, all things considered.
Soap Tax

England (yes, again!) started taxing soap in 1711. By the time the tax was repealed in 1853, it was raking in the equivalent of $125 million a year in today's money. People were already interested in getting clean, but the tax repeal made soap even more popular. Nowadays, if it meant an end to the inane Axe Body Wash ads, we might sign a petition for its reinstatement.
Tea Tax

In 1773, Colonial America was seen as a great market for to unloading the huge surplus of tea that the British East India Company found themselves with. The Tea Act was going to ensure that colonials bought the tea and submitted to England's taxation rules in one fell swoop — two birds with one Earl Grey, if you would. Of course, young Americans balked at it, dressed up, and threw some of that tea into the Boston Harbor. And because of that, we now have a Starbucks on every corner. Thanks, early colonists!
Pee Tax

In ancient Rome (c. 69-79), urine was a necessity in both tanneries (where they made leather) and in laundries (yes, where they cleaned your clothes with it). Before you imagine legions of Roman citizens hopping up and down on one leg, we should point out that the government only taxed those who bought the urine, not those who *ahem* produced it.

OK, you may now resume hastily filling out those 1040EZ forms. Just remember, no matter how much you claim to love it, the government will never agree that your car is a dependent. And if you need some actually useful information about Tax Day, set up an email alert for tax software deals.
Note that this feature has been updated since it was originally published last year.

http://dealnews.com/features/Awful-Hist ... 64445.html
 
No disrespect intended to Native Americans. I just thought that the end of the story seemed spot on.

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.”

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee…..

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling Another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to The waiter: “Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of day.
 
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