Daily Laugh

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A little boy returned from the grocery store with his mom. While his mom put away the groceries, the little boy opened his box of animal crackers and spread them all over the kitchen table.
"What are you doing?" asked his mom.
"The box says you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken," said the little boy. "I'm looking for the seal."




A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
 
Walldog":yunvcw4g said:
Captains Cat":yunvcw4g said:
JamesTXSD":yunvcw4g said:
I think you spelled it all just fine. :wink: 8) :mrgreen:
Click to expand...

I did pretty well, except for medication, that one I blame on the iPad!

Thanks Mike, at 70, every day is a :gift We're all trying to do a "DUSTY"... :thup :love

Charlie
Click to expand...

I had to go back and look.....because I read mediation as medication, never noticed. Guess since I am 69, I must suffer from the same malady. Maybe I need some mediation also.
Click to expand...

:mrgreen: Thanks Herb, we all need a little more (of some things) when we get older! :disgust Especially a Daily Laugh...

My cats even figured out how to use the iPad because I got them the GAME FOR CATS...The little buggers got themselves a Gmail account and sent one to Capt. Jim's Izzy. And they told me she answered them.. Their address is SSBCCATS@gmail.com if you have any sort of corresponding critter. I know they'll answer cats, not sure about dogs. Be patient about a response, they hunt a lot (vicariously) on the screened porch and I don't give up my iPad until I go to bed. Wondered why the battery ran down overnight, now I know. :cat :cat :love :cat :cat

Charlie
 
Osama Bin Laden was sitting in his cave wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang. Hallo, Mr. Laden - a heavily accented voice said. This is Archie, down ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada ey? I am callin to tells you dat we are officially declaring war on you ey! Well Archie, Osama replied, This is indeed important news! How big is your army? Right now, said Archie after a moments calculation - there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next door neighbor Mick, and the dart team from the pub. That maked eight! Obama paused, I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command. Holly jeez, said Archie, I'll have to call you back! Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. Mr. Laden the war is still on! We have managed to aquire some infantry equipment! And what equipment would that be Archie?, Osama asked. Well sir, we have 2 combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor. Osama sighed, I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also since we last spoke I've increased my army to one and a half million. Lard Tundering Jaysus, bye said Archie I'll be getting back to ya.Sur enough Archie rang again the next day. Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up and modified Harrigans ultralight wit a couple shotguns in the cockpit, and 4 guys from the Legion have joined us as well! Osama was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser guided surface to air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to 2 million! Jeysus, Mary and Joseph, said Archie I'll have to call youse back. Sure enough Archie called again the next day. Mr., Laden I am sorry to tell you dat we had to call off dis ere war. I'm sorry to hear that said Osama. Why the sudden change of heart? Well sir said Archie we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners! :lol: :lol:

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!
 
GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!


Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if
you love Jesus' bumper sticker .

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had
changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd
never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and
then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach..

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up
in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through
the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for
such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
 
A Dollar per Point

A teacher was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in.

The teacher noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
 
I got an email from American Express last Friday. They were questioning a charge of $8,450,019.66 that was made on my business gold card. And no, I didn't buy another boat! I tried to buy some 47th anniversary Bling for my Bride and the jewelry store in Maine first entered the amount $845.00 followed by the first part of my street address 1966. What follows is my response to their message followed by their note to me. I could not make this up. Fortunately, I managed to get it transferred to Starcraft Tom's Visa card (kidding Tom, call off the moles (private joke, again). They corrected their records.

---------------------------
Thanks for the note. Apparently the store (internet) tried put in the amount and mistakenly put in all or some of my address. This charge has been successfully moved to another credit card. Do not charge the card.

If you need to contact me in person, you may reach me at a temporary homsite (beach vacation house) today before 5PM. The number here is 252.261.6130

Thanks

Charles Vinroot
Capt USN (Ret)
-------------
On Fri, Dec 28, 2012 at 8:57 AM, American Express <AmericanExpress@welcome.aexp.com> wrote:
We Need to Hear From You to Process Your Charge

For your security:
Dear Charles Vinroot,
We'd like to help complete the purchase attempted on 12/28/12 for USD 8,450,019.66. Please call us soon so we can get some additional information from you. We look forward to hearing from you.

If we've already spoken about this, thank you for contacting us.

Sincerely,
American Express Customer Service
Cardmember:
Charles Vinroot

Account Ending:
91001
Contact Customer Service
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View Our Privacy Statement
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Add Us to Your Address Book

Your Cardmember information is included in the upper-right corner to help you recognize this as a customer service e-mail from American Express. Using the spam/junk mail function may not block servicing messages from being sent to your email account. To learn more about e-mail security or report a suspicious e-mail, please visit us at americanexpress.com/phishing. We kindly ask you not to reply to this e-mail but instead contact us securely via customer service.

© 2012 American Express. All rights reserved.

BSTEUICN0002001

--
Charles Vinroot Capt USN (Ret)
CVSI LLC
dba Northern Neck Consulting Group
804.580.0010
Heathsville, VA 22473

------------

And that's all folks, HAPPY NEW YEAR!
 
TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)

:lol: :lol:
 
Ouch!


> A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

> She says, 'Hello.'

> He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

> To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

> Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

> So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

> She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
 
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some very bad news... Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"


Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our VISA and MasterCard bills yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the estimate check to the IRS thisquarter?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us
 
DOG FOR SALE :

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'


'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'


'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'
 

Breaking News: Teacher Arrested at Airport

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

:mrgreen:
 
I can not state if this is true or not but never the less its funny!


Best True Lawyer Story of the Year, Decade, and Possibly the Century

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued — and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the fires.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART. After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest. Only in America. No wonder the rest of the world thinks we're nuts.
 
Great story. I'll check Snopes. My cousin Richard Vinroot is a Lawyer in Charlotte, was Mayor for a couple of terms, ran for Governor at one point but I don't think he smokes. Have not seen him in years!

Funny but SNOPES says its not true. Been around since 1997!
 
Ghost Riders in the Sky? :note *<link!


An old cowboy was riding his trusty horse followed by his faithful dog along an unfamiliar road. The man was enjoying the new scenery, when he suddenly remembered dying, and realized that the dog beside him had been dead for years, as had his horse. Confused, he wondered what was happening, and where the trail was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall that looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch topped by a golden letter "H" that glowed in the sunlight.
Standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like gold.
He rode toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. Parched and tired out by his journey, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.
'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'
As the gate began to open, the cowboy asked, 'Can I bring my partners, too?'
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The cowboy thought for a moment, then turned back to the road and continued riding, his dog trotting by his side.
After another long ride, at the top of another hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a ranch gate that looked as if it had never been closed. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
'Excuse me,' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Sure, there's a pump right over there. Help yourself.'
'How about my friends here?' the traveler gestured to the dog and his horse.
'Of course! They look thirsty, too,' said the man.
The trio went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with buckets beside it. The traveler filled a cup and the buckets with wonderfully cool water and took a long drink, as did his horse and dog.
When they were full, he walked back to the man who was still standing by the tree. 'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'That's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the glitzy, gold street and fake pearly gates? That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you angry when they use your name like that?'
'Not at all. Actually, we're happy they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'
 
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services , when
she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home
of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name
of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained
what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you
just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'
 
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .............

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"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
 
Claude & Char lived by a lake in Northern Minnesota. It was early winter and the lake had frozen over.

Claude asked Char if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to get him some beer. She asked him for some money, but he told her "no, just put it on our tab". So Char walked across, got the beer at the general store, then walked back home across the lake. When she got home and gave Claude his beer, she asked him, "Claude, you always tell me not to run up the tab at the store.. Why didn't you just give me some money?".

Claude replied, "Well, I didn't want to send you out there with some money when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was yet"
 
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
 
The USCG stops a rowboat off the coast of California with 4 Mexicans in it. They had weapons on board. After cuffing them, the OIC of the unit asked them where they were going and what their intent was. They replied that they were going to invade the United States.

Laughing heartily, the Guardsman replied, "With only four of you? :roll: ".

The Mexican leader winked and said, "The rest of us are already there :shock: "

:mrgreen:

Charlie
 
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