Daily Laugh

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I'm with Jim!

I can't stand all these tatoo on all the younger folks, but if I had to have some, i'd put these 45 on my body somewhere I could see them each day!

On second thought, I think I'll just have them printed upside down on a t-shirt so as to be able to read them.....

Joe. :teeth :thup

2035 SBSCBGT:
2010-06-21-11-35-24-3-he-is-so-heavily-tattooed-that-he-even-has-tattoos.jpeg

??? :lol:
 
Truths


1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
 
Good news! You can now embed YouTube videos here.

Here's one of TyBoo in a very compromising position.

NlUVU.gif
 
Works for me if he's going in circles in the dark with a small flashlight on his head... :crook

Charlie
 
Da Nag":3q30j9gp said:
Good news! You can now embed YouTube videos here.

Here's one of TyBoo in a very compromising position.

<video clipped>
Click to expand...

Well here's one of Bill - juggling glow in the dark balls in the dark.
NlUVU.gif


nice animated gif Bill
 
Darn, he looks more like Tyboo every day (In the dark that is...)

Charlie
 
Captains Cat":8pwhyrky said:
Darn, he looks more like Tyboo every day (In the dark that is...)

Charlie
Click to expand...
Yep - they're both VERY handsome in the dark. Faces made for radio and the internet I say. :wink:
 
reposted
Did I Read That Sign Right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In A Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In A Memphis Department Store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In An Office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In An Office:
AFTER COFFEE BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE COFFEE POT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside A Second-Hand Shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice In Health Food Shop Window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted In a Safari Park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a Conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice In A Farmer's Field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message On A Leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On A Repair Shop Door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
_________________
 
A man decided to write a book about Churches around the country. He started by flying to New York and started working west from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the the entrance wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read "Calls: $10,000 a minute". Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone was a direct line to heaven and if he paid the price he could talk to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Chicago, Dallas, St. Louis, Milwaukee, and other cities around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Washington State. Upon entering a large church he saw the usual golden telephone but THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 45 cents". Fascinated, he talked to the pastor. "I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 45 cents a call. Why?" The pastor replied: "Son, you're in Washington State now, the home of Mount Rainier, Puget Sound, The Olympic Peninsula, Starbucks, smoked salmon and the Triton Marine Factory where the famous C-Dory Boat is built. This state has the most beautiful nature and rivers this side of heaven. You're in God's Country - It's a local call".
 
My grandaugher, Nevaeh, is 4 yrs old. This is a true story and just shows you how smart kids can be.

My son is talking to her about college when she gets "older". He asks her is she wants to attend Boise State? Without missing a beat, she replies, "No. I want to go to Girlsy State". :lol:
 
localboy":2jkp155u said:
My grandaugher, Nevaeh, is 4 yrs old. This is a true story and just shows you how smart kids can be.

My son is talking to her about college when she gets "older". He asks her is she wants to attend Boise State? Without missing a beat, she replies, "No. I want to go to Girlsy State". :lol:
Click to expand...

Ask her that same question in a few more years when her hormones start flowing, and she'll answer Boys'ey State!

Joe. :teeth :thup
 
localboy":2awgf8ox said:
My grandaugher, Nevaeh, is 4 yrs old. This is a true story and just shows you how smart kids can be.

My son is talking to her about college when she gets "older". He asks her is she wants to attend Boise State? Without missing a beat, she replies, "No. I want to go to Girlsy State". :lol:
Click to expand...

Ask her that same question in a few more years when her hormones start flowing, and she'll answer Boys'ey State!

Joe. :teeth :thup
 
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls. Could you please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Little Johnny's mother takes him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."

So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

"Take off my skirt..."

Little Johnny takes off her skirt.

"Take off my bra."

He takes off her bra.

"Now, Johnny, please take off my panties."

When Little Johnny is finally done taking off the clothes, she says, "Johnny, Please don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
 
Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just
talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back
on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.
They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand
if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are
staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Harvey
SleepyC :moon
 
Heard this on NPR today. Had to share. It is so true.

“The Health Food Diner.”

No sprouted wheat and soya shoots
And Brussels in a cake,
Carrot straw and spinach raw,
(Today, I need a steak).

Not thick brown rice and rice pilaw
Or mushrooms creamed on toast,
Turnips mashed and parsnips hashed,
(I’m dreaming of a roast).

Health-food folks around the world
Are thinned by anxious zeal,
They look for help in seafood kelp
(I count on breaded veal).

No smoking signs, raw mustard greens,
Zucchini by the ton,
Uncooked kale and bodies frail
Are sure to make me run

to

Loins of pork and chicken thighs
And standing rib, so prime,
Pork chops brown and fresh ground round
(I crave them all the time).

Irish stews and boiled corned beef
and hot dogs by the scores,
or any place that saves a space
For smoking carnivores.
 
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).
If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

ATD:At The Doctor's
BFF:Best Friend Farted
BTW:Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

WTPH: Where's The Preparation H
CFMW: Can't Find My Wallet
WTP: Where's The Phone / Prunes
WDWHTGS: Why Do We Have To Go Shopping
WAMG: Where Are My Glasses

Feel free to add any codes you feel are missing;
 
All that time I wasted working hard!

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. (It also made me Laugh Out Loud.)
Remember, this is a strictly mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.


'REMEMBER: SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM.'
 
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