Daily Laugh 2

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
 
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.

2. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.


3. I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
 
This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade... "My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f**king mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f**king pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f**k did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."
 
The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

*************************************************************************
OK IT'S ANOTHER FUNNY, BUT BOGUS HISTORICAL FACT!
Joe. :teeth :thup
 
A lesser know but equally interesting addition to the above is that the Goldberg brothers had twin sisters named Floor and Defrost.
 
I heard of a guy who dated a third sister, Max(ine) Cold, once, but he didn't pursue her any further, thinking it was going to take too long for her to heat up to anything interesting. :crook
 
CATHOLIC GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making
her rounds visiting home bound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The
attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful ,
Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and
carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from
across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,

"If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
 
lemons

At a bar in New York City the bartender was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron.
Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.
Over the years, many people had tried; weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.
One day, a scrawny little fellow wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came into the bar.
He sat down, ordered a glass of beer, & started looking around.

After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice, "I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok."
He grabbed a lemon and squeezed all the juice he could out of it. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked, "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living?
Are you a lumber jack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."
It’s that time of year, folks, when the IRS wants to squeeze your lemon dry!

Harvey
SleepyC :moon

Friends_Cal_09_10_Oct.thumb.jpg
 
"Have a nice day!"
"No thank you. I have other plans."

"You want to be buried or cremated?"
"Surprise me."

(A)bort (R)etry (I)nfluence with large hammer.

(c) Copywight Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Always forgive your enemies. They hate that!

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!

Ambidextrose: able to put sugar in coffee with either hand.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

* He who hesitates is probably right.

* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

* No one is listening until you make a mistake.

* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

* Two wrongs are only the beginning.

* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

* Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

* A fool and his money are soon partying.

* Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....

* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!

* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

* Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

* Death to all fanatics!

* Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.

* Chastity is curable, if detected early.

* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

* Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.

* Half the people you know are below average.

* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

And finally ...

* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
 
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "So listen, Fred, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Fred replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
 
Spaghetti


For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.’

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.
 
Telephone Poles

Bell needed to hire a team of telephone pole installers for Fort McMurray and the boss had to choose between a team of two guys from Newfoundland and a team of two Irish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Bud and Buddy, the Newfoundland guys came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
Bud, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Buddy and me, we got three in.
"The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Bud, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!"
 
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. It is a simple test of your English language skills.

Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'You must make a sentence using the words yellow, pink, and green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
 
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I was in the Texas Rose Bar and Grill last night, sitting at the bar waiting for a beer, when an unattractive, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the rear.

She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.” I looked at her said,” Have you got a pen.” She said, “I sure do."

I said, “Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”

My dental surgery is on Monday.
 
From Your Quora Digest ·
Re: English (language)
Quest: Will English be made an official language in Germany?
Ans. By: Stefan Pociask
Profile: Stefan Pociask, Veteran. Wildlife research/rehab. Engineer, Humanitarian, Lifelong Wanderer INFP
Written: Apr 21

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.

By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" und similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis und everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KOM TRU!
 
What's That In Your Zip, Miss?

One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long it’s been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Scotsman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Och - in the name of the wee man is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good scotch?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
 
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