Daily Laugh 2
- Thread starter Captains Cat
- Start date
FIRST DAY AT THE SENIOR COMPLEX
On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?
On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?
The Computer Is Gender Confused
A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
'"House" in French, is feminine - "la maison", while "pencil" in French is masculine - "le crayon."'
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher thought it would be a good exercise to have the students decide what they thought the gender should be.
So she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you constantly find yourself spending more money on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model!
A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
'"House" in French, is feminine - "la maison", while "pencil" in French is masculine - "le crayon."'
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher thought it would be a good exercise to have the students decide what they thought the gender should be.
So she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you constantly find yourself spending more money on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model!
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My eight year-old grandson asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said,
"God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why I never!"
Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
After I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my grandson asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul."
Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her:
"Here, this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. Shove it up your ass!"
Kind of brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?
"God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why I never!"
Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
After I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my grandson asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul."
Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her:
"Here, this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. Shove it up your ass!"
Kind of brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?
Wandering Sagebrush
Free Range Human
Today in school my teacher asked what my favorite animal was and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny but I don't think she was right because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. He told me not to do it again.
I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher could be a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too, especially chicken.
Next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
My principal said I'd be moved to a different class.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. He told me not to do it again.
I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher could be a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too, especially chicken.
Next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
My principal said I'd be moved to a different class.
What Do the Amish Think of the Modern World?
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father visited the city for the very first time. They wandered around, marveling at the different sights. Eventually they got to a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but they were especially amazed at two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady passed between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Junior, go get your Mother."
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father visited the city for the very first time. They wandered around, marveling at the different sights. Eventually they got to a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but they were especially amazed at two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady passed between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Junior, go get your Mother."
Noah in the Modern World
In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America
and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me." "Build another ark and save
2 of every living thing Along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the
blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will
start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah Weeping
in his yard - but no ark. "Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to
start the rain! Where is the ark?" "Forgive me, Lord,"
begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a building permit."
"I've been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood by-laws
by building the ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations.
We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a boat load
of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead
obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them
that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl." "I tried to convince
the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
Argued the accommodations were too restrictive and It was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the ark
until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission
on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"The Immigration Dept. is checking the visa
status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have
to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."
"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You
mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
“No,” said the Lord.
“The government beat me to it.”
In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America
and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me." "Build another ark and save
2 of every living thing Along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the
blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will
start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah Weeping
in his yard - but no ark. "Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to
start the rain! Where is the ark?" "Forgive me, Lord,"
begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a building permit."
"I've been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood by-laws
by building the ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations.
We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a boat load
of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead
obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them
that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl." "I tried to convince
the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
Argued the accommodations were too restrictive and It was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the ark
until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission
on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"The Immigration Dept. is checking the visa
status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have
to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."
"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You
mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
“No,” said the Lord.
“The government beat me to it.”
I used to think I was just a regular guy, but I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist. I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist.
I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobe. I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business. I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.
I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a member of the vast gun lobby. I am older than 70 and retired, which makes me a useless old man. I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.
I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe. I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist. I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.
I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant. Please help me come to terms with the new me… because I'm just not sure who I am anymore!
I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking! I just can’t imagine or understand what's happened to me so quickly! Funny …it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years!
As if all this nonsense wasn't enough to deal with… I'm now afraid to go into either restroom!
How are you doin’?
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobe. I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business. I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.
I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a member of the vast gun lobby. I am older than 70 and retired, which makes me a useless old man. I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.
I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe. I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist. I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.
I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant. Please help me come to terms with the new me… because I'm just not sure who I am anymore!
I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking! I just can’t imagine or understand what's happened to me so quickly! Funny …it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years!
As if all this nonsense wasn't enough to deal with… I'm now afraid to go into either restroom!
How are you doin’?
Harvey
SleepyC :moon
The light turned amber, just in front of him.
He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally......
I assumed you had stolen the car.
He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally......
I assumed you had stolen the car.
This Produce Assistant Is Smarter Than He Looks...
A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant told him that they sold only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him and added: "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy: "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said: "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No way!" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant told him that they sold only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him and added: "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy: "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said: "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No way!" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
Pacificcoast101
Member
I absolutely love the jokes. ...guess it's time for me to contribute:
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Scottish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish cop's expense!
Scottish cop says, "License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Scottish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Scottish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Scottish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Scottish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Scottish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down? "
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Scottish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish cop's expense!
Scottish cop says, "License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Scottish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Scottish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Scottish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Scottish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Scottish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down? "
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JUST IN - BREAKING NEWS !!!
The Washington Redskins finally drop offensive name.
Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Washington Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as "The Redskins."
It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington’ imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, graft and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.
***********************************************************************************
JUST IN - BREAKING NEWS !!!
The Washington Redskins finally drop offensive name.
Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Washington Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as "The Redskins."
It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington’ imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, graft and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.
***********************************************************************************
Robert H. Wilkinson
New member
HOW DO YOU SEX ANTS?
YOU PUT THEM IN WATER.
FEMALE ANTS SINK.
MALE ANTS ARE BUOYANT :?
YOU PUT THEM IN WATER.
FEMALE ANTS SINK.
MALE ANTS ARE BUOYANT :?
Taking the Universe Seriously
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
Sherlock Holmes, Watson, funny, stars, camping
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you dunce! Someone has stolen our tent!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
Sherlock Holmes, Watson, funny, stars, camping
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you dunce! Someone has stolen our tent!"