Daily Laugh 2

Just good for a chuckle.
-


Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Com e on in and let me pour one for you!

What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, That?s 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons."
 
Too Funny to Not Post:


THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancee and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
 
It's not funny at all but I just spent 10 days in a hospital due to technology. More to follow. See my previous post concerning switching everything to ATT from Verizon. Beginning to think Pat Anderson was correct but I'm not giving up yet! :cry :mrgreen:

Got a letter telling me I couldn't own or buy firearms. I still have a Remington Defender and a Taurus .45 and a concealed carry permit which is valid. Some parts of the Govmint is more efficient than others. :evil: :wink

More to follow in the Nerd threads as soon as I get everything sorted out.

Charlie

I smell a TUG in Jim B's future, aka Our head Nerd! :mrgreen:

Bet IZZY insisted on a larger, more private cat toilet! :cat :love
 
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

WHEN YOU'RE OLD ,
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man from
Walled Lake, Michigan , was going up
to bed, when his wife told him that he'd
left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light,
but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked
"Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are
breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All
patrols are busy, you should lock your
doors and an officer will be along when
one is available"
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds
ago because there were people stealing
things from my shed.

Well, you don't have to worry about
them now because I just shot and killed
them both; the dogs are eating them
right now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars , a
SWAT Team , a Helicopter, two Fire
Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance
showed up at the Phillips' residence,
and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George,
"I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
( True Story )
Don't mess with old people.


A few chuckles for seniors.
 
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!" "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" "Nothing. She's just having contractions.
 
In a fit of patriotism, I called the Pentagon today. I volunteered to come back on active duty. After talking to about 6 offices, I finally got my answer..

They asked about my experience in my 31 years in the USN. Then politely asked how old I was. I asked when I could come in for a physical... They said they'd have to classify me 4I...

I have heard of lots of draft categories but that was a new one for me. I said at least I'm not 4F, I know what that one means. :thup The officer on the phone patiently explained what 4I was.

He said, "when the Enemy gets to 4th and I street in D.C., we'll give you a call, please give us your cell phone number..."

:roll: :mrgreen:
 
What's in a Name?

A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona." "There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?" The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
 
Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion.

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are
sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.

The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance
floor living it up…..drunk, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks
for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says , "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
 
While we C-Brats are all boat people, I know that most of us are also dog lovers, too. Here is both some humor and a whole lot more of truth!

Dogs have been standing beside us for as long as human memory can recall. They've hunted with us, protected us, warned us and shared their lives with us. In return, we try to do the same for them. They love us without limit and without restrain. It is that pure devotion that makes them our best friends, and it is that unconditional love that makes us love them in return. Along the ages, much has been said about dogs, and so here are some great quotes about our friends.

Don't accept you dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of Pure Love and always have to mix love and hate. - Sigmund Freud
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you that look that says, "Wow, you're right!! I never would have thought of that!" -Dave Barry
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principle difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, and half a cow. They must think we're the Greatest Hunters on Earth! -Anne Tyler
The average dog is a better person than at the average person. -Andy Rooney
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. -Franklin P. Jones
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3 a can. That's almost $21 in dog money. -Joe Weinstein
My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am. -Unknown
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein
If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. -Ben Williams
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous
I wonder if dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult... -Rita Rudner

The reason you're receiving this is that dogs can smell a good person a mile away!
Have fun, hope you enjoyed it! -Joe.
 
“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.” “That’s terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet… What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!” “It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor matter of factly, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”
 
THE CHICKEN GUN

The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share!
Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound
dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and
a gun was sent to the British engineers.

WHEN THE GUN WAS FIRED, THE ENGINEERS STOOD SHOCKED AS THE CHICKEN
HURLED OUT OF THE BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE SHATTERPROOF SHIELD, SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS,
BLASTED THROUGH THE CONTROL CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE ENGINEER'S BACK-REST IN TWO, AND EMBEDDED ITSELF
iN THE BACK WALL OF THE CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW.

THE HORRIFIED BRITS SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THE
EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE U.S SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS.

NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO -- "DEFROST THE CHICKEN."
(TRUE STORY)





This e-mail and any attachments represent the views and opinions
of only the sender and are not necessarily those of
Memphis Light, Gas & Water Division, and no such inference should be made.
 
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
 
DON'T MISS THIS REMARKABLE ANALYSIS OF SPORTS NAMES. IT WILL TRANSFORM ANY ONE'S ATTITUDE!

Native Indian Names

​No matter which side you are on in this matter, this is funny.
This guy is hilarious...
Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune
after an article he published concerning a name change for the
Washington Redskins.

Dear Mr. Page...

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them.
I would suggest, as in an email I received, they change the name to the
"Foreskins" to better represent their community, paying tribute to the
d___ heads in Congress.

I agree with our Native American population.
I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins.
One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans
would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend,
and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians.
If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes
to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks
from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population.
Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No!
There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many
young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our
sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the
Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged.
We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children.
The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits.
Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing
childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates.
Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go.
We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the
government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should.
Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.

As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might
also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams
to something other than "the Beavers."
 
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A "DOG PERSON" TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows
to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"
 
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and yells at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What in the world are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius? I don't think so. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
 
I've shared this with a number of our C-Brats privately, and believe it is clean enough to be non-offensive, and still very funny!

Also, we send out an emphatic "THANK YOU" to all of our military friends, active and retired! Joe.

Subject: Is Sex Work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing - the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of
just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in
favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in
charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.
 
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m
and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
 
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
She let herself go
for an hour or so
and now all her sisters are aunts.
 
Back
Top