Who runs the boat

[Donald Tyson]

There is no doubt that my wife is a better driver, cook, multitasker and overall great person. But, as a guy from the Dark Ages I find it necessary to outsmart her, do all the driving, and shout demands on a whim. I still open the door for her, take the trash out on demand and more. But when it comes to operating the boat and the mechanical things I fall into the old traps.
For those women out there and also Husbands like me. How should I best throw off this mantle of manliness, without ruining my reputation among my buddy's, and let her learn to operate a motorboat better than me as well? Stands to reason, as she is a multitasker, that she could keep all the little details organized in her head. I was thinking about this with regards to Locks...that I wouldn't have to yell at her about how and when do things if it were me, in the driving rain, on deck setting the fenders and roping the next bollard or cable.
Can women actually do all these things, and is there any special way that you would recommend for me to pass the baton?
Truth be told My dear wife is very capable. I just worry about giving up the drivers seat.
How do you divvy up jobs onboard?
I said enough. I'll wait for your responses.

[colbysmith]

Don't, just don't! I tend to do all the driving, but do ask my wife to step up to the helm when I have to leave it. I'll usually prep the boat for docking or locking, and then step back to the wheel, while she handles grabbing the dock cleats. In locks, I pilot from my cockpit helm, grabbing the lines or bollards, while she looks pretty in the cabin. There is a story behind that. A few years back, when we were on the Erie Canal, the lines always seemed to be set up for boats longer than us. Coming into one lock, those lines were even farther apart. I knew I'd have wifey grab the aft line, while I moved forward a bit more to grab the bow line from my cabin helm. I've always told her not to hurt herself. Let go of a line or dock if it becomes unsafe. Just let me know if she does so. Well, she took my comment "make sure to hold on to that line while I pull forward a bit" literally, rather than yes, grab and hold on, but don't hurt your self and let go if you must, standing direction. In that process she got a rope burn on her hand and arm and po'd at me for telling her to hold on to it as we approached. After that I decided it was just easier to do it all myself from the cockpiit helm. So be clear with any before hand instruction and make sure that the man/woman brain thing is coordinated and everything is specifically communicated! I do think it's important, especially at our age, to get the non driving boat partner to learn basic boating skills and docking, in case you are ever incapacitated. With all this being said, I know of several C-Brat couples where the female did most the driving. And didn't think any less of the male. BTW, the wifey does a lot in helping me prep to launch the boat, and also in retrieving.

[ssobol]

You should keep in mind that if the normal driver of your boat becomes incapacitated for some reason that there should be another person on the boat who is capable and competent to be able to get the boat back and docked with minimal assistance.

With increasing age, the greater the chances of sudden incapacitation. And let's face it, most of the members of this forum are not spring chickens.

[Donald Tyson]

It seems that when we explain things to each other we are from different planets as the way I perceive it is the exact opposite as how she perceives it. That being said I believe she should learn everything that interests her for the reasons pointed out...in case I'm incapacitated.
Furthermore, with regards to travel by car, Somehow she gets a great deal of satisfaction and therapy from being the driver and has never had an accident. When she is not driving she has naturally turned into a great navigator. Docking scares her. But in reality it should, right. All those forces have to be experienced and dealt with.

[DayBreak]

It doesn’t matter if a person is male or female, what matters is who is more capable. In our case, Colleen is more capable and does a better job to secure the boat to the dock and handling the anchor and rode. She comes from a sailing background and so I defer much of the work to her in these areas. She is also better at netting a salmon. I drive and park the boat mostly but she does well to do this if she needs to.

[Peter & Judy]

On Mistaya, Judy and I pretty much divide up the driving 50/50. Although the tasks do differ somewhat. When things get rough, I tend to scream less than she does. so I am more often at the helm. But, when it comes to docking and landing the boat on the trailer she is usually at the helm. I weigh almost a hundred pounds more than she does, so my logic is that I can pull the lines at the dock, especially in the wind, better than she can.

Judy's a farm girl and don't dare trying to arm wrestle her, I won't. She was pitching bales before most girls needed to wear a bra. She learned to drive a tractor by the time she was twelve. So whether we are travelling with the camper or the boat she can handle most things.

Now when it comes to the mechanical and electronic end of operating the boat, that is generally my duty as I do most of the maintenance on the boat and I installed all the new electronics. I set up the system and she has learned from me.

The Alberta Motor Association runs a course for female snowbirds on RV's. They found that too often all of the driving, maintenance and other 'Manly' tasks are handled by the man of the household, while the other tasks are handled by the women. Then one day, perhaps in Arizona or Alaska, far from home, something like a health emergency happens to the man and the wife is there with this big rig RV without a clue how to run the thing. Apparently this happens all the time in RV's and I am sure in boats as well. So it is good the get the other half behind the wheel of the RV, tractor or boat on a regular basis. It shares the workload and the fun, but also adds a degree of safety to the trip.

By the way, I do most of the cooking on the boat, in the camper and at home.

[Donald Tyson]

I realize that the division of tasks has historically been very polar opposite for men vs women. These days society is much more forgiving. My sisters could milk the cows but they preferred feeding them and doing field work. One threw bales well and the other drove that old Massey Fergusson. They didn't run Chain saws or rig trees for felling, or Plow. In those days Women nurtured while men would spit and break something. Their approach was very different. I tended to keep it that way for Wife inn that she changed diapers, cleaned house and baked. I would Mow the lawn, plant trees and do vehicle maintenance.
These days My Daughter Would be driving if she were on a trip with us. She does it all, cook, drive, mow and most household tasks. The only thing she does not do is vehicle maintenance. She can back a boat trailer accurately wherever I request
I will strive to bring my wife into the new age and be sure she is doing the tasks that she prefers. Then boating becomes more fun for all.
The wife can not back or dock a boat and I bet I can help her get that.

[Pacificcoast101]

I have a few decades of boating experience over Merry. She will occasionally take the helm if I need to do something else, but never for more than a couple of minutes. At 76, she is 11 years older than I, but she has the primary job of Anchor Girl. She walks out to the bow to secure the anchor before and after our dives. She took the Coast Guard Auxilliary boating course and I'm sure she could pull the boat back into pour slip if I were incapacitated, but she refuses to practice.

[Donald Tyson]

Phil that has been the difference btwn my wife and my daughter. The wife feels rather affirming that there is no need to practice and the 44 yr old daughter beleives in practicing.

[thataway]

I see it as a safety feature. Marie has over 100,000 miles in the boat--She is capable of naviation: paper charts and chart plotter, standing watches, at the hem, even minor engine repairs--bleeding the diesel engine, changing oil, and diagnosis as to why engines are not starting. She had to sai our 62 foot LOA Ketch about 60 to get me to a surgery center when I had a total paralysis of my right leg and dock the boat in a space only a few feet longer than the boat.

In situation where a C Dory member was taken out by lifeflight from a C Brat gathering a Lake Powell. We promised the victim and his wife we would safely bring their C dory 25 to a small dock at Antelope Canyon marine storage. Marie ran our C Dory 22 and I ran the C Dory 25 which belonged to the victim.

There a number of other instances where I am aware of the spouse or friend had to get the boat and a disabled person back to safety, including on ocean passages.

Bottom line-Train your spouse, significant other, or friend to the point they could get that C Dory back to safety, assuming that the boat owner is completely incapacitated. Ideally this would the entire mechanism form leaving a dock or pulling anchor solo, to pulling the boat on its trailer out of the water.

[Donald Tyson]

Baby steps for us. We will practice docking and close quarters maneuvering. We will learn to check and change fuel filter (had trouble with that before). I will teach her about drift. Thats a start. Build from there.

[Foggy]

Who runs the boat? Here's my take. And I've seen plenty of the opposite.
Some don't realize seemingly simple endeavors may have serious consequences.

I call it the invisible 3 "Cs".
The person is COMPETENT; has the skill, knowledge and sense of responsibility
to do so.
They possess the desire and are willing to COMMIT and have the able CAPACITY
(mental, physical, emotional and time) to do the job and do it well.

Come to think of it, not much different than a person I would want to perform
surgery on me.

Aye.
Grandma used to say, "You can't judge a book from it's cover."

[Donald Tyson]

Grandma (my mom) used to say "you hear but you don't listen". She was probably right.
My wife is an overcomer, As an ex-missionary kid in the Philippines during the 70's, she has learned to do whatever it takes to keep going forward in life. She is so frugal that she invented copper wire while haggling over pennies. She has watched over me for 47 yrs. But, though she has never had a car accident, she doesn't seem to want to pilot the boat. It could be because I'm too domineering, so we will test these things. My guess is that she will be the best navigator and will enjoy driving once she gets the hang of it.

[Foggy]

[JamesTXSD]

I will probably regret responding to this thread, but, Donald, you are approaching this situation from the worst angle: if you and your wife are going to run the boat together, no one should be yelling out commands or trying to "outsmart" the other. The most successful boat couples (like Dr Bob and Marie) are a team. Maybe you were joking that you're more concerned about what your buddies think than how you and your wife can run the boat together??

In decades of running boats, RVs, airplanes, cars, and motorcycles, Joan and I have been a team. Even when studying for a commercial pilot's license or a marine master license, I was the one taking the test, but she was right there prepping me and helping me study. We worked together almost all our adult lives... side by side. When we moved up to a twin engine airplane, even though she had no interest in getting a license, she took flight lessons (not from me) for how to prep and land the plane.

I generally drive, she navigates - that's still the way we do these days, in the car or RV. In the boat, I would generally bring the boat to the dock, she would handle lines. That was her choice, but we would talk about the plan before executing it. No hollering, and if any statement between us ends with the word "dammit!", there will be hell to pay later. And the only time we try to "outsmart" each other is if we are playing a game... running a boat isn't a game.

The only time my wife "took orders" from me on a boat was when we were running commercial boats. And I was always respectful of crew (praise in public, correct in private). Colby can tell you about the importance of "cockpit resource management," which comes down to the right person doing the right job, at the right time (communication, situational awareness, decision making, teamwork, barriers).

As has been stated several times in this thread: a couple on a boat should both be able to accomplish any job on the boat, even when there is an agreed distribution of jobs. And, especially being able to work together as a team. When dealing with the boat at the ramp, my wife would usually be the one to back the trailer down, while I would drive the boat onto the trailer - it was the most efficient use of time and effort.

13 years ago, my Mother had a massive stroke; I got on a plane immediately. Knowing we would be away from the boat for a while, Joan said, "You go - I'll get the boat on the trailer and put away." It was a great relief for me knowing she could do all that. She did enlist a friend to drive the truck/trailer to the ramp, but when she got there, she docked the boat, backed the trailer into the water, and loaded the boat. Brought it back to our home where she cleaned and flushed everything. She has saved my life (literally) on more than one occasion.

Next week, we will celebrate 52 years of marriage. We didn't get there by trying to "outsmart" each other; mutual respect and teamwork. We have always known that we have each other's back.

Maybe you were joking... if a spouse or significant other isn't comfortable with any job on the boat, it is up to you to help her gain the confidence. Best done if you work together.

I have a sailing friend whose wife rarely goes out with him. He feels their situation is best if he treats her like "a guest" on the boat, where she doesn't have to do anything (when she does go out with him). I have wondered how they would handle it if he became incapacitated? She doesn't know how to use the VHF radio. I guess we all approach this boat stuff differently.