For the pet owners among us.

[starcrafttom]

From my mother who is not talking to me because of checkraise.

Letter to My Pets


Dear Cat and/or Dog:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for
it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob or
get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is (1) kiss me, then (2) go smell the other dog or
cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!


To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following 'Rules' on
our front door.


"Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
Pets"

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.


4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy and walks on all fours. Although they doesn't
speak clearly, they communicate extremely well, especially cats.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids ...they eat less, don't ask for
money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called
(this does not apply to cats), never drive your car, don't hang out
with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about
having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't
need a gazillion dollars for college. Also, if they get pregnant, you
can sell the children!!!